15 minutes and counting

so I wanted to take a "last day of 2013 selfie" but I look like absolute crap (pepta bright doesn't seem to be working so that was a waste of $30 -.-) so i'm just going to do a "best of 2013" like I did last year.

1) High tea with J and C:
 I have never felt so loved. (Yes this is a different photo, but we didn't actually take one on the day)

2) Nipsican night
When we all came together to help out S when she really needed a hand. Blew of the mhs senior social and had a night in where we bonded over tacos and miss congeniality
 ( there was photos but i have no idea where :/)

3) the back of N's car with P after formal:
I've written about this many a times. Is to this date one of the most perfect moments ever. Thinking about it now hurts alot, but i can't deny that at the time it made me feel so much good that I could barely contain it/

4) The 2nd cricket match of SL vs Aus :
 Again because of P. The flirting, the hand holding, the developing feelings.... when it really all came back. It's so weird to think, that the first match I barely liked him. Well I did... but the escalation afterwards was incredible.

5) A's surprise birthday
When SNAGMS+ PK needed it the most. Everyone was feeling distant and the group was feeling the strain.  But over italian food and talk of Brazilians we bonded again haha

6) French exam/ Surprise birthday
So unexpected. I would have been happy regardless because it was my last exam but having everyone there was just so great. Even J, it was just so lovely :)

7) Seeing Ed Sheeran walk out on stage
From the worst day to the most amazing night, only Ed Sheeran could have evoked such a changed that fast.

8) aths carnival/swimming carnival
I know i'm cheating by grouping two events together, but they were both special to me for the same reason - oread spirit, good photos and P complimented me (the last is pathetic I know)

9) House drama
Wasn't as amazing as last year but still was enough for my toe to start cramping because I was dancing so hard AND we came 2nd!

10) interball
I don't remember the exact details but I know I had fun and that P complimented me

spending the last 2 hours of 2013 watching LOST.
Fair to say this is a pretty low way to end the yeah tbh. ugh

Finally scratched the itch.

Bought shit online!!!! haha
Bought mini red pegs off ebay for my photo clothesline

And supre has a sale where all of these tops are for $5 so I got myself 3, and with N and J managed to score free shipping :)

I haven't had a package in the mail for so long (lol except the interview book) so I really can't wait for these to arrive.

I love J and C so much. so so so so much. Spent a perfect day at chuckle park bar together where J got hit on twice in a space of 3 hours and C told us about her 4 scholarship offers. How even?
My friends are so amazing.

Pretty sure im pmsing but

ugh I just feel awful. I feel so lonely and annoyed with myself, I can't even deal.
I just want to be held

I feel so uneasy but I have no idea why.

Self esteem where art thou?

so P text this morning telling me that "heaps of guys thought you looked mint last night" and he said this a few times. It was so our of the blue. At the actually party I barely spoke to anyone new. Sure kkg tried hitting on me (he had drunk half a bottle of vodka by this point) and J kept switching between falling asleep and asking me to go outside with him (therefore also doesn't count). But in terms of everyone else? I really don't think anyone else gave me a second look. The one guy's attention who I was trying to catch hardly spoke to me so was obviously not interested so how all these other guys are keen I dont even understand. This is going to sound racist but the main reason i don't understand is because i'm curry and the majority of the guys were asian. Don't get me wrong, interracial couples and attraction can occur, but I think this only happens with the best of the best. As in, a curry will only find a really hot asian attractive and vice versa.

but im not hot.

Yes after i pop in my contacts and do my make up I am pretty, yeah i can kinda see that. But to have this reaction. Where at the last 3 parties i have gone to i have been hit on by at least two guys each night? I do not think I'm worth that much. I am not trying to be modest or humble I genuinely cannot see it. I don't understand my L is going to so much trouble or why guys of different races find me attractive. I mean if I really was that good looking, i'd be a real catch right? someone that you would not let go, that you would hold onto and foster a relationship. P did none of these things. He let me go, he sucks at trying to keep the friendship...... if I was really that pretty why would he do that?

I am reading this interview guide and it is freaking me out. LIke freaking me out so much that I don't want to do med, but I don't know if i really don't want to do med or if I'm just scared.
FUCK like it's too late for me to pull out now, i'm in too deep. I can't just say "I don't want to do it anymore" but I;m so scared. So so so scared and I don;t know what to do.
Actually first thinkg would probably be to stop watching Greys Anatomy because it's just showing me how hard it is to be a surgeon (even though medentry described Grey's Anatomy as romanticising the job which again freaks me out because, if I think the romanticised version is shit, imagine the real version). Alright I just need to reassure myself. Why I want to be a doctor.

• help people (duh) : have the ability to tell a family there child, brother, sister is going to be okay.
• money brah
• prestige
• travel opportunities. It's a job I know I will be able to do anywhere in the world
• job security
• so diverse. So many fields and pathways so I will never get bored
• parents would be so so so so proud. Bio results remain to be one of the most happiest days of my life. I have never seen ammi and appachchi so happy. If I get into med, this would even top that.
• I LIKE biology. It's fascinating. I enjoyed learning about it, I mean how else did I do so well? Med would have so much anatomy, dissections and I would learn so much. I would genuinely be interested
• I love meeting new people, this is a job that will allow me to do it

Okay still panicked but calming down. I just need to talk to my GP again. He nearly made me cry the first time, maybe he will help ease my worries this time round.

ugh I don't know what to do.

So I hoped visiting the change of preference expo at monash would help clear up what I wanted to do next year but it has just made things more confusing. I was so adamant on not doing biomed, but biomed really is the best option for me in terms of postgrad med. Then there is physio which is great but apparently low paying (if i even did well on the interview) and radiography which both my parents would be disappointed if I chose because of the low atar despite the practically 100% employment rate.

Monash med interviews come out tomorrow and after seeing that the cut off mark was 175 (i got 177) for umat, I got my hopes raised. However, 175 is the cut off for underprivileged schools. therefore I have no idea whether my mark and atar are good enough. I'm just so annoyed because I had ruled out monash med as soon as i saw my umat mark, and the day before I get or dont get the interview offer, i start to hope again.

Having hope is too dangerous for me. It's an emotion I cannot adequately handle, so I need to avoid it at all costs. Ugh but now I am just left feeling awful about tomorrow.

Okay. So i've decided I a content with my score. I'm annoyed yes. I know I could have cracked 99, been one of the 31 girls in our year level who did. I know I could have done better in some of my subjects, giving me something more exciting to tell all my tutors. But 98.55 is a GOOD score. I am in the top 1.5% of the state. The top 1.5% of all students in Victoria, and that is something to be fucking proud of.
I could have done better yes, but I could have done a lot worse.
Malshi. Accept the score and move on. It'll be okay.

all I ever wanted to do is make my parents proud, and I didn't even do it.

5 minutes away.

yesterday.

wow, it was so intense like what even. I can completely understand how so many kids at lyndale get pregnant.

PROS

• Saw S and S for the first time since primary school and it was so great. They remembered me and came up for conversation and it was just really nice
• I know my limits with alcohol (Y)
• MET N FINALLY!!! he is such a cutie, has definitely got number 3
• got hit on by two guys S and L, and gave L my number
• failed slut drop with my new favourite gay person in the world
• did my first tequila shot - salt, shot, lemon
• flirted with a very cute Aussie guy

CONS

• calories calories calories
• did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my whole entire life - got into a care with a sober driver but another 4 drunk teenagers. that could have ended so so so so badly.
• the cute aussie guy has a girlfriend -.-
• my clothes smell like smoke
• I feel kinda guilty even though I haven't really done anything terrible. I mean I didn't get completely drunk (and even if I did, I'm legal anyway) smoke or do weed. I didn't hook up and I didn't really do anything I regret (well I did regret the car thing, but I wasn't going to let J go in by herself). I mean my parents actually KNEW I was going to a party this time (unlike P's) and they knew it was with a lot of people I didn't know. So I really shouldn't really bad, but I think i'm just getting all superstitious because of results tomorrow.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HURTING ME?!?!
I just want to stop feeling, I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to go to sleep crying and wake up feeling awful. I want to enjoy my holidays, I want to be happy and carefree like every other person. I don't want to be sad anymore.

I just want to feel good and loved again. Feel wanted and needed.
why why why why.

I don't know what to do. He isn't helping me at all. He doesn't ask questions, gives short responses... shows little interest. But how do I end it? How do I end a year and a half conversation? How do I end the conversation when I know it will end the friendship?

he didn't even build the fucking crab.

L is growing on me. Maybe not in that way, but the idea of meeting up with him doesn't frighten me as much. The situation would still be very very intimate, but I feel the intimacy wouldn't be much of an issue after the ball starts rolling. It would have to be on my terms though, as in meet up for no more than a few hours, somewhere in the city (ie where i take public transport and he DOESNT pick me up) in a really relaxed and chill environment, preferably with a lot of people surrounding.
I really wish I could stop overthinking. That I could "kick back" and just enjoy and accept everything without getting to emotionally involved.

omfg what am I doing? I AM MAKING UP STORIES TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK COOLER TO P! Never have I sunk so low to make believe, never.
And all this talk about clubbing? Any bets it wont even happen. S is the least reliable, and the one making the plans. I need this so much but fuck I have no idea when i'm going to get it.


and in approximately one week my atar will be known. 1 more week.

MALSHI WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING!?!?!

YOU ARE TALKING TO BOTH OF THEM (LYING AND MAKING STORIES UP TOO) AND THEY ARE HANGING OUT TOMORROW.
TOGETHER.
P AND L. TOGETHER

STOP IT P, STOP IT, STOP MAKING ME LIKE YOU!!!!!

Hi i'm Malshi and I suffer from a severe case of "foot in mouth" disease.

Why do I ruin everything. Always. Always. Always.

I fucked up.

I've done something wrong, I must have, L always replies with the minute. Shit I fucked this one up too.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

i want him to regret it. I want him to regret it so bad that everytime he sees my name he remembers that moment in the back of N's car. That he remembers all the times i've made him laugh or tried to cheer him up when he was sad.
I'm not angry, I just want to be able to feel valued, appreciated and wanted. It's my feelings for him that have stopped me from feeling all of these emotions for the last 3 years til even today. I just want to let go.

day 3

High tea at the windsor then perfume crawling and shoe shopping.

J and C I love you both so much and are so so so so thankful you are in my life.

let day 2 of recovery begin.

Don’t hate him.  You know you don’t.

Don’t hate yourself. You know you fucking rock.

Just hate the universe, and then accept it.  Because the universe is an asshole and always will be. 

so much has happened in the space of one day.
everything i have been scared of

but now is the healing process. Im allowed to be sad. Im allowed to cry and im allowed to hurt but this will not take over my life. P has taken over this whole year already, and now things are clear, things are completely shit - but nevertheless clear, it's time to gain closure.

now for the feelings and shit.

wtf more can i do. Yesterday i made myself look as pretty as I could (and as stuck up as it sounds I think I did a good job) and i talked and socialised really well with all his friends. Yet he barely paid attention to me all night. Yes i know he was the host of the party, and by no means did i expect the same "one on one" treatment i got for formal, but i expected  needed some sort of sign from him to show me whether he was interested or not. Yes a hook up with his parents in the room wouldn't exactly have been appropriate but even if it was a squeeze of the hand, or an arm around the waist for a random hug it would have been enough.
I just dont understand. He's told P that what happens depends on whether i go interstate or not which means he has obviously thought about the future - something i never imagined he would do, but then he doesn't show me anything to tell me he is still interested. i mean for fucks sake, people were asking if i was his girlfriend and apparently S told J that if i wanted to, I could have hooked up with M,L and even K if i wanted to, so obviously I was doing something right. Seriously, if his friends can show interest WHY THE SHIT CAN'T HE?? And although i dont really believe the whole K thing, I just assumed L was somewhat interested because he was drunk, but holy shit he just inboxed me like 30 minutes ago but im too scared to reply because
a) he is trying to get in with me, which i obvs dont want to do thus risks fucking up whatever friendship we formed from our past two encounters which normally i wouldnt care about but he is P's bestfriend
b) trying to wingman P but seems to be very unlikely because of how P has been acting, thus making option a) more likely and well fuck.

im just sick of being the one who always has to bring it up. We both said after exams, and its now after exams. I guess it's my fault for wrongly assuming that his party (aka the first time we've met since formal) would provide me with some clarity with how things are supposed to get started. I know I need to talk to him straight. Ask him would he have cared if I had hooked up with M? Does he care L is trying to get in? (both these facts i find incredibly weird because i hardly find myself attractive and let alone to asian's and white people o.O) Ask him why he hasnt made a move yet and if it is because or uni, why not tell me?

But i'm scared. I know that if the answer isnt one I want to hear, that P well and truly doesnt give a shit if we get together or not, that the only chance i have of getting over him is by stopping all contact and as slutty as it sounds hooking up with as many boys as i can till i find one that i can hopefully learn to like as much as P.

why does he do this to me.

wpoirgjporigtjperiotj[oejkkjklmgvt

fuck me. Okay blow by blow account of yesterday and then thoughts and feelings afterwards.

• J came and picked me up at around 4ish and took my to N's
• waxed my back so it was silky smooth and N told me that P told her, that P was waiting to see if I was going uni interstate before he tried anything?? :S
• watched the video J made me for my birthday (I think it's her present too? :S) whilst eating timtams and dnming
• got ready for P's and I was actually really really calm, took selfies and tried getting tipsy on beer that tasted like ass
• on the way to P's was having fucking internal panic attacks and any calm feelings I had pretty much evaporated
• got to P's and he was already drunk. His parents were there and were super cute and unbelievably cool with all the alcohol around
• L was so so so friendly and talked to me straight away, P apparently kept looking at me but hardly spoke to me
• it was freezing outside so L gave me his jacket which i woe for a good hour before i realised how slutty i looked and gave it back
• P got more drunk
• met heaps of lovely new people and got hit on by M like 5-6 times
• talked with L heaps and this cool as year 11, N outside with A and P. P was off his face and talking about some journey and crap but he bought me pizza?
• L kept lifting me up :S
• kept trying to talk to P but his attention span was ridiculous and when we did manage to get a good 10 minute conversation it was about him and M's drunk antics which includes him pissing in a sink 
• danced to black music with a tipsy J
• watched P's parents dance which was sososososo cute
• left P'a at like 12.30 after an intense avril lavigne singing sesh with S, being hit on again by M and a tickle/poke fight with L
• went home back to N's having had an amazing night but being so so so disappointed by the lack of closure i recieved
• dnmed about how shit P is until about 3am
• went to bed and woke at like 7 thinking only about P and how frustrating he was
• ammi and appachchi picked me up at 10.30 and started asking all these questions about the party i went to... felt so bad for lying :/
• went dfo and did some serious shopping
• and alas i am here.

wantsss

Today was good :)

Today I had a shopping date with J to exchange the mimco shoes mum so ungraciously refused to accept and more importantly to get the rest of P's birthday present. I was a complete mess when it came to finding his present, as J managed to convince me out of buying the toilet golf set (lol yes really) saying even though it was funny it was pretty pointless. So, we went of to DFO hardcore dnming about love, marriage, brazilians and the year which was.
Long story short, after a couple hiccups I ended up getting him this cool nano lego block set in which made a crab, a quicksilver wallet and the huge as clock from typo. I just pray to god that he likes it :/
i also got my perfect pair of black heels, $300 down to $40 :)

these weren't the exact ones I bought but they were similar. mine have a skinnier heel abd two buckled straps around the ankle

This is what I got, except it was a crab!

things.

1. trying to be a decent person and help somewhat with yearbook, but even the little i offered to do is making me anxious.
2. P!!!!!!!!! i dont remember ever feeling this distant from him which worries me because what happens on friday will either make or break us.
3. went volunteering for the first time today, it was so lovely and so said at the same time
4. trying to eat healthy and change fat to muscle
5. shopping with J tomorrow to exchange mimco shoes and buy the rest of P's present..... i hope he likes it :/
6. boredom is slowly sinking in
7. i just want to kiss him again.

IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE

elle etait amiable comme un porte de prison
la plus mauvaise semaine que j'aie jamais connue
je savais que... mais je ne pouvais jamais imaginer a qeul point
il va sans dire que
tout le monde s'accord a dire que
en outre
on constate avec inquietude que
etant donne
il faut egalment souligner que
pour courroner le tout
ayant pese le pour et le contre
on a tendance a croire que
d'ici peu
cela peut paraitre idiot mais
exercer une influence sur
en revance
cependant
par contre
tandis que
de nos jours
pour que
bref en un mot
mon petit doigt m'a dit que
se lever du pied gauche
aux anges
tourner autour du pot
pleuvoir de cordes
faire la grasse matinee
pour un bouche de pain
toujours dans la lune
quand les poules auront des dents
basse sur
en faveur de
en tant que
neanmoins

je le deteste, je le deteste, je le deteste.

demain sera mon dernier examen de vce. je me sens prete, mais ca sert rien. je me suis sentie prete pour les maths et voila, il s'est passe vraiment bien n'est-ce pas? je voudrais faire bien, certes je n'ai pas fait beaucoup de revision ce weekend, mais j'espere qu'il se passera sans trop de difficulte. j'ai besoin de finir dans une maniere positif, surtout parce que pendant cette period j'etias vraitment mal a l'aise.
je ne sais pourquoi mais je me suis sentie isolee. tout les personne qui j'aime...J,N,P, M... c'est comme nous avons eloigne. toute la journee j'ai le carfard, qui est bizaare parce que je serai libre demain, quelquechose que je voulais depuis le debut de l'annee.
j'ai peur que le reste de mes vacances passeront comme ca. j'ai aucune idee quoi fair avec P, avec mes etudes et avec mes rapports avec mes amis. Je suis dans un etat perpetual de soucie et tristesse.

il faut egalement souligner - it should be stressed that
tout le monde s'accord a dire que - everyone agrees that
pour coronner le tout - to cap everything
cela peut paraitre idiot mais - it may seem silly that
ayant pese le pour et le contre - having weighed the pros and cons
on a tendance a croire que - we have a tendancy to believe
exercer une influence sur - to have an influence on
on constate avec inquietude que - its a worring fact
il va sans dire que - it goes without saying
imaginez un peu - just imagine
ried d'etonnant que - it isnt surprising that
en outre - moreover
d'ici peu - in the near future
etant donne - given

I am so frustrated, angry and sad and just all these bad feeling that I just want to disappear.

I feel so lonely and awful and just ugh.

I really dont think i can do yearbook. even after exams, when the pressure is over, i dont think i can. The pressure is too much and i just dont think i can handle it all. ugh i have no idea what to do :/

i have french writers block im not even kidding.

3. The truth about love is that someone can love you very much and still be careless or hurtful. Love is not a charm that protects you. Love is not magic. Love is not inherently good.

I don't know why the feeling is so intense now, but I just want to be with him so bad.

Like just with him.

im just so ready for this to be over

just so done. like so so so so done. I have no idea how im going to keep going til next tuesday. I just need to stop, like not want, NEED. It
s like a burning sensation in the bottom of my stomach, and I just can't stop thinking about it. I still have englang tomorrow, which i was feeling alright about until about 2 hours ago... Now i'm fucking shitting myself. I haven't been nervous for any of my exams, but now the thought of englang terrifies me. I just have practiced so much, but i know none of that will matter if tomorrow, the right essay topics doesn't come up, the wrong short answer do come up or if time decides to double its speed and I don't end up finishing.
there are just so many variables that can stop from doing my best and doing justice to my englang abilities. I feel like im going to explode with all this emotion, i really do. its like almost unbearable.

exams are not going as planned. they really arent. I just real they are not at all reflective of my capability and its just so unfair. I am smart, I am. I work hard, but those assessors who read and mark my exams wont know that. All they'll see is a bunch of blanks and wrong answers.


I just want it to be over already :/

so he hasnt spoken to me in two days. Officially the longest we've gone without talking since I don't even know when.... It's funny... I thought we had been getting closer these past 2 weeks. I had started seeing his more...."in tune with his emotions" side. I dont even know, he is just too much sometimes.

so methods did not go as planned.
It was a lot harder than it was supposed to be, and even though everyone found it hard, i don't think I did well in general. I've had a pity party for myself and I've barely studied today so i need to get my shit together and take tomorrow head on.

fingers crossed ey? (yn)

And so it begins.

Tomorrow is methods. I'm scared but I'm not scared.
I know my shit, I know i do... methods is my jam, it's been my favorite subject, and I just need to get into that zen mode tomorrow and i'll be fine. I say zen mode, but it really is just this positive vibe.. where things just make sense and it's like calming at the same time. If i could do that I will be forever thankful.
Please Lord, God, Buddha, Allah and Ganesh I just need tomorrow to go well. To start the period of well. To do well and not blow my chance of the interview at UNSW. To make all the puja's and prayers and hours my parents have dedicated to me and my performance not go to waste.

I take this promise. If I do well, I mean well enough to get the same pride I got from my parents after bio, I promise to give back. I promise to do the volunteering, the caring and all I can to be a good person and a community member that serves others. I swear that whatever good fortune comes to me, I promise to use it to help others. This is a promise, a vow almost. Please, I mean every word.

ugh im not doing well on practise exams.
well not well enough. I need over 40's and A's are just not good enough.
stupid stupid stupid mistakes all te fucking time and thinking i have the wrong answer but then second guessing myself and not changing it with a different answer i've gotten then getting it wrong.
God. please please please. I think I can do decent if i just make no sill mistakes whatsoever on the papers this year. yeah sure there will be a couple i wont know, but please dont let me screw up on question i know i can do. i just want to do well and i just want me hard work to pay off.

please please please :'(

10 Reasons Being Intelligent Is Difficult

 8. You’ll always feel like you’re supposed to do great things and feel worthless when you don’t. Intelligent people can be successful people but not always; maybe not even often. Sometimes they just don’t have the motivation. Many times, the pressure is just too much to bear and you’d just rather lie in bed all day and think about things – imaginative, cryptic things.

oh wow so this is working again

fuck the inconsistency of this website shits me.

but update:
OFFICIALLY A LEGAL ADULT NOW!!
hah so yesterday was my birthday, and considering how it is smack bang in the middle of exam period, i wasn't expecting much so it was slightly better then i expected :)
- messages at midnight from, S,N,K and P :) (P's message was the cutest thing in the world, so awkward, but so so cute)
- $300 from appachchi and $100 from J and a box of macaroons, yeah I asked for the macaroons, but whatevs
 - got about 10 messages during chem tutor, and am actually improving on unit 4
- called me which was really sweet and unexpected and we talked for ages till he found out i wasn't on 3 and hung up :P
- G left cupcakes at my door :')
- phone calls from aunty D and S
- got me notes bound and exam stationary
- temple
- talked to J after AGESSSS, so much catching up

I can't even do a bit of work

Today was my last day of highschool ever. Holy Shit. How is this even possible. I have so much to write but I just can seem to articulate it, so so so so many feelings. Happiness, sadness, guilt, anxiety... so much anxiety but fuck. like what the actual fuck.

FUCK IM SO NERVOUS

french oral tomorrow and im shitting my pants. Like i have two sacs within the next 2 days that i NEED to study for, but i can't because im just so so so nervous.
please god please let me do my best. Just let me speak as well as i know i can and i will be forever grateful. Please just make these next two days pass without a hitch. That senior cup and both my sacs are alright too.
please please please. Im sorry if im asking for to much but i swear i will appreciate it and be so unbelievably thankful if you can help me out a bit.
please?

I want to stop feeling bad.

I think I had a revelation today at temple (lol not enlightenment, just a consequence of not understanding a word of what the monk is saying, so over thinking to pass the time). P and I aren't ever really going to be together. I know it sounds almost melodramatic, but when I look at the situation realistically, I just don't see anything. There is no way a long distance thing would happen. I can not deal with what I'm going through right now, for the rest of my uni life. I feel like we're stuck in this rut, and the only way to get out of it is just to stop it altogether or see each other more often, and if i end up living in sydney or queensland next year, that doesn't seem likely to happen.

The other situation is if I stick it here in Melbourne. I'd be going to monash... the one place I didn't want to go... that i wanted to get away from... but we could try it. It would still be long distance or sorts if he goes to bundurra, but we could make it work. But still, how invested would each one of us be?? Scratch that, how invested would he be.I keep replaying the phone conversation in my head. How it reminded me so much of the conversation I had with A. They were so similar but the situations couldn't be any more different. I didn't love A. So it hurts. It hurts like fuck that he doesn't care but I can't do anything about it. What really confuses me though is how similar I thought we were. I mean we are to an extent, but now I notice little things here and there were we disagree. We are not so different where "opposites attract" but we're not so similar that we're "soul mates". 

Another reason I feel so bad about it all is that conversations haven't gotten any easier. As in we talk fine and about the most random things in the world, but talking to P isn't like talk to D or M. I'm not at that stage where I'm comfortable enough to tell him anything and let me see me at my worst. I had this feeling before.. and I had always just blamed it on the fact there were too many secrets between us. That because he didn't know how I felt, and because I couldn't be completely honest with him, that of course we weren't going to be each others "no.1". But he knows, I know we both know how the other person feels.... yet I still can't talk as freely as I want to, and it's the same with him. He makes fun of me and feels the need to apologise, or clarify that he is joking... he stays on really safe topics of conversation....I just really thought things would have been different now.

I don't even know how but in the space of half an hour my complete mood just plummeted.
I feel so ridiculously uneasy about everything, and I feel myself stressing internally. I have no idea what even brought this on... I think it's P? but I was also talking about senior cup and now when i think about it, I feel like crap but I was also watching a video on youtube about anorexia (why I do this to myself I dunno). All I do know is I feel crap about everything right about now, and I don't know what to do about it as it eats way inside of me.

wow it's been awhile

shit I don't know why i've stopped writing. I mean there has been multiple occasions where i've just wanting to vent and vent but for some reason I kept think that something was wrong with this blog and it wouldn't work :s

anyway dot point recap

• fucked up pro lipsynching, but came 2nd in year 12 :) BY FOUR POINTS!
• got into senior cup
• had my first bagel
• C's party first day of holidays, wasn't amazing but wasn't awful BUT I got to taste pho
• feeling worse and worse about the situation with P. Our "future" is looking dimmer and dimmer.
• VTAC,SATAC,UAC,QTAC all applied for, only the atar gods can decide my fate now
• well into practice exam mode, oh those poor poor trees
• finally shits happening with yearbook, have started profiling and boy it takes yonks
• gained a kilo by the lack of physical activity i've done these holidays and the amount of shit i've eaten - i keep reassuring myself i'll get fit after exams
• nominated for "selfie queen" and "nail maniac" for yearbook
• had an amazing amazing night for A's surprise dinner last night. Was exactly what the girls and I needed to bond again. I stole for the first time (it was just the Parmesan shaker lid for my memory bucket but still) and we talked about EVERYTHING and like I ean everything. And food. so so so so so much food
• I really need to get my shit together for this last week and hardcore hard for french, englang and spesh.

I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but I can only do so much. With lipsynching, with EngLang, with you, I am putting in my all but feel like I'm getting nothing in return. I have written maybe 5 practice sacs and plans and just paragraphs, but have maybe only gotten feedback on one or two of these things. I've emailed and emailed and have gotten no response, and I just don't know what to do. I know you're going through a hard time atm, but the least you could do is email and tell me you can't help me instead of leaving me anxiously waiting with parents who constantly remind me that I failed and if I don't get help I will fail again. Lipsynching is never consistent, no one comes and I'm left guessing numbers and trying to imagine positions in my head because we don't have enough people to do it at actual rehearsal, I've made the dance, I've tried teaching the dance, what else can I do?
And you. We have gone as far as too "friends" can go. I've pushed the conversation, taken you out of your comfort zone for 10 minutes, and instead of pushing the boundaries of that zone to try and get closer to me, you just retreated straight back into your comfortable little shell.
I tried, and I'm still trying. I just don't know how long I can go before the disappointment gets too much for me to handle.

Je veux un vrai raison pour mes mauvaise sentiments. Je me sens comme un trou qui n'a jamais fini. Je veux etre plus. Je veux etre plus belle, plus maigre, plus aimable, plus intelligente et plus parfait, mais comment est ce que je deviens plus, quand je ne suis assez avec qui je suis maintenant. Je ne suis pas un dancer magnifique, ou assez belle ou intelligente. Comment est ce que je vuex plus quand je lutte de maintenir tous mes niveaux comme ils ont maintenant. Je ne peux pas devenir plus parce je ne suis pas assez maintenant. Je ne suis jamais assez, j'ai flemme d'essayer. Je suis fatigue et isolee. Tous ce que je veux est l'aimite et quelqu'un qui peux m'aider a trouver la motivation encore. Je suis perdu.

"Perception is reality. If everyone thinks you’re an asshole, you will be treated like one even if “deep down” you’re the nicest person around"

I have so many feelings inside of me, that are being mixed together so I can no longer identify which is which, except for when something unpleasant reminds my and makes one of the bad feelings more stronger and stand out.
- I wish I went to M's but I don't
- I wont to drop out of pro, but I don't
- I want to write a practice french essay, but I don't
- I want to be apart or yearbook committee, but I don't
- I want to give up on lipsynching, but I don't
- I want to apply for uni's, but I don't
- I want to be with you, but..... no, I just really want to be with you. But I know it's not the same for you. Yes you like me, but it's not the same. It's not the same distracting, hopeless type of like that makes me feel empty and sad 99% of the time. I thought things would be better. I thought everything would be okay, but I still feel like this, still feel this bad. I know love is supposed to hurt, but this isn't fair. I still haven't properly loved enough for it to make me feel this much.

did the fun run afterschool today, and I'm actually so surprised how much my fitness has improved compared to last year. Although I only bet my time by 2ish minutes, I can clearly remembered how much i struggled on the run, and this year although it wouldn't have been easy, i think I could have pushed myself to run further than the 5kms we had to.
My feet are sore, but my moral is good (Y)

• 3ish practise exams
• englang essay
• started JC application
• volunteer work sorted
• french general convo
• french revolution reading

does this count as a productive day off? I honestly can't tell anymore.

what's wrong with me?

I don't know whats happened to me. I'm always anxious. Like a near constant underlying sense of worry, which I can't precisely figure out why it's there. I never watch T.V anymore, I try to, but I never get past half an episode. I don't feel like reading, searching the internet or just anything. The only think I feel like doing is talk to him. I feel pathetic about it and it scares me so much, but is it really possibly for him to make me change this much? I feel so emotionally different but I don't know how. My motivation for everything is just lacking, and I just want everything to be over. Everything feels at disarray and I don't know how to set it right. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to do a video, i don't want to do yearbook, I don't want to do lipsynching, or job apps, or uni apps, or any more sacs. I just can't concentrate on anything anymore and I honestly think i could just sit on my bed for hours doing nothing but staring and thinking. I don't know how much I'll have to push to make things okay again, or even worse if they can be okay again before exams come round.

dying on the inside for not being good enough.

all i really want to do is have a real profound conversation with somebody, but I feel like nobody wants to talk to me :/

I care about you so much, like you don't even understand. All I want to do is talk to you, be with and just love you with every ounce of being I hold within me. I know we said we would wait til the of the year, but this is just so hard. Its so hard not knowing how invested you are. How much "us" means to you. Everything you say makes me feel like you only just give a fuck, and I honestly can never tell what you are feeling. You don't like talking about your feelings I know, but keeping them to yourself makes me go insane.
All I do now is imagine you with your arms around me, holding me, with your face close to mine. I keep reliving that care ride, over and over again. I was in bliss, and it was perfect. We were perfect.

A left on wednesday and omg it was just so sad. He started crying in his goodbye speech, and all the french students hijacked form so we could cam whore, and at the end we had this massive group hug. I'm actually going to miss him so much.
LOOK WHAT HE SENT TODAY :'D

it actually made my day :D
and i guess its another sign that my perception of myself is skewed, because I have had 3 people come up and tell me that there MUM'S saw the photo and said i was ridiculously pretty (wow that felt so full of my self to write :S) and the number of people who have told me at school is even more. I still dont understand it tbh. I look at photos from formal and all i see is arm fat, messy hair and a weird shaped face o.O ugh i wish i could see myself from somebody else's point of view.

the ultimate.

spam.

FORMAL

wow and wow
- K worked her magic again, made me look pretty AND convinced me to have an updo. Tbh I don't think I looked THAT great on the night, i didn't really like my hair or my dress, but the amount of genuine compliments I got makes me think that it really is just me and my inability to see myself in a posistive light
- had a freak out coz we were half an hour late to G's and I thought P was there by himself, but as we turned into the court, K, N with P, and P and his dad had just arrived
- pre's was pretty bad, everything was so hectic coz everyone's parents was talking photos and yelling and it was just so crazy and overwhelming, and P looked like he felt pretty out of place
- limo was also shit because the music wasn;t working for the first half of the ride, and when it did no one was getting into it, but alas thank god for alcohol. N,S,P and I drunk a little more than we should have but fuck did it make our night good.
- THEY HAD A PHOTOBOOTH, week took my most favourite SNAGMS+PK photo ever, and i got some cute ones with P and MAN
- felt like i spent the whole night taking photos but actually have nothing to show for it, except that i felt really bad for having to keep ditching P.
- we danced so much, and took so many photos together and we kissed. P and I kissed. we fucking kissed.
after it happen I asked him "so what does this mean" and he just shrugged. I was a little taken aback but didn't push it, and just kept dancing, but when we sat down he wouldn't look me in the eye. I started freaking out. What if it was a shit kiss? There wasn't the fireworks he was expecting, What if he regrets it? but then he started talking normally again and was fine, but still I had this underlying uneasy feeling.
- after formal was done N's brother came to pick us up and i volunteered for P and I to go in the very back (yes i had a cute romantic car ride in mind) and that's exactly what happened. We were just talking like normal with everyone else, but then he took my hand, HE made the first move, he took my hand and tried to pull me over, so I unbuckled my seatbelt and I went to him, where he pulled me close and put his arms around my waist and his face close to mine. He kissed me again, and maybe another time after that. Tbh I don't really remember, anything but the fact my heart was absolutely burning, and i had never felt so at ease in my entire life.
- once we got to N's, we cut K a birthday cake, and chilled and played scattergories for an hour and it was nice. It was cute with just MAN and the partners, and I am really glad we didn't go to M's for afters. When the boys were about to leave, N and P left the room so they could hook up in private, leaving me and P. We gave each other a reallllly long hug and again, he kissed me. This wasn't anything romantic or anything like in the car, but just a quick unexpected peck that totally caught me by surprise.
- after they left i stayed at N's for about 20 were we just talked, and N was wondering why i was not jumping around with joy. I was pretty surprised to. I mean 3 years of feelings with this boy and we finally kiss? I think I was to shocked to be happy. I thought if anything did happen it would be at his formal, not at ours, definitely not, but hey...there you go :S

so much has happened in the space of one week it is fucking crazy so now coz I have nothing better to do i'm going to spend my friday night rewriting it all.

At least it doesnt hurt anymore

Well if im being honest it does, but its almost like the feeling of sadness has reached a point it has been so low for so long, its not sad now? Now im just at a point where underlying sadness is masked by aloofness and lack of care. Formal has just been a load if rubbish from the start, with one thing after another just tumbling down. I'm at rhis point where im certain tomorrow is going to be shit, so as long as i know beforehand, and brace myself, there will be no calateral damage to my feelings afterwards. I've even stopped worrying whether P is going to have a good time or not. He'll just have to enjoy a sober time with me whether he likes it or not.

So God, i've accepted that tomorrow isn't going to be amazing. But can you please help me out with these things to at least make to bareable?

- v and k actually manage to make me look really pretty, like nice hair and stuff, with make up that makes me stand somewhat out? (I dont need any awards or something, just so i feel nice in photos at least)

- P wins his hocky final

- J feels good, has a great time, realises that there are plenty of happy things in her life

- S has a good time and forgets about T

- a photo with A

- a limo that does not let down

- a cute ride home

I dont know if im asking for too much, if even these 6 things are out of reach. I just dont want to dampen everyones spirits... I really dont.

I just had an epiphany. What if the only reason i feel this shit about formal is because its the last sure time i know ill see P. At least, untill exams are over, i know we will defs not see each other, and who knows what will happen after? Maybe these sad feelings are just a subconcious way of dealing with other feelings about P?

Fuck my life really does revolve around him.

Im so stupid sometimes, like honestly i just need to keep my mouth shut. I knew i shouldnt have told C what was going on with J but i did anyway and it resulted in her  having a an anxiety attack. Like actually im such an idiot sometimes, C is so fragile and so unbelievebly empathetic  that anything that makes me feel shaky would just absolutely tear her to pieces. Keeping my mouth shut from now on and keeping a closer eye on her. She doesnt talk to anyone about it but she is struggling, struggling with all the worry she has for te future and all the worry she has for her friends. She just cares and thinks way too much, more of an overthinker than i am believe it or not. I just want all the best for her, for her and J. They are both such amazing, inspiring, strong people and I just don't understand how life can treat them so unfairly. I just hope and pray that the future works out for them.

Please

I just want her to feel better. I want the feelings to leave and for her to feel while again. I want her to enjoy life, to live the way she wants to and dreams to without having depression creating a cloud over her being. I just want her to be alright. I don't want to hear her say that she wa going to kill herself. That she was going to lie down on the train tracks and and wait for it to be over, for the pain to vanish. I don't want her to ever, ever say or think it again. Please god, please, please help J.

Im so over everything

The shit feeling have returned, fucking shitter than ever

- yay guess whose gained weight?

- and also has pimples all around her mouth (double yay)

- formal is just one problem after the other. Some always has to disagree or have an opinion and i am just at the point where im almost dreading the day. 

- j's in hospital and i have no idea how she is

- need to volunteer but cant find anywhere to volunterr

- ugh lipsynching

- need to work but can't work coz i feel shit

- i know he has sacs this week but he is barely talking. Not one message the whole day.

I just want to lie in bed and never leave.

I feel like im being pulled and stretched from all different directions. There is so much to do and not enough of me to do it. I took it fairly easy this weekend with minimal work and maximum procrastination but i still feel so mentally exhusted, and i know it will only get worse.

- yearbook committee

- lipsynching

- lipsynching pro (possibly)

- year 12 video

- spesh sac

- uni applications

- formal

- french detail study

- birthday presents

Only a couple things that are giving me anxiety attacks. I just feel like im moving at 100 km/h but going nowhere like stuff i have done this weekend

- french tutor

- methods notes

- chem notes

- chem tutor

- 3 methods exercises

- spesh notes

- started my detail study

- job apps

- went for a run

- nearly finish lipsynching

- nearly have v's present down

For an 'unproductive weekend' i didn't do too bad did i?? But why do i still feel so drawn out? Like im tumbling from this huge pile of stuff to do, that no matter how much i try, i can't seem to make smaller. I think I need a little help, a little help before things actually start spinning out of control.

I should be doing french

Gahhh procrastinating like crazy. French sac on friday that i dont want to study for coz I know its going to be too hard, so I'm just avoiding the practise sac be doing spesh (lol what?). Anyways today was alliance and although i was so nervous HOLY SHIT THE GUY WHO TESTED ME WAS THE MOST GORGEOUS THING EVER!! Like okay, when i first saw him, i wasnt taken aback or anything, but when we started talking... His voice... It was just so soft and smooth and calming and omg im getting all giddy just thinking about it now :P the actually competition part wasnt too bad. I probably didn't do that well in general convo coz i didnt elaborate much but i just spoke and spoke for the french rev part so he didnt even have tome to ask questions! It was obvious i was just reciting something, but my accent was almost as good as it is when i talk french to myself and i dunno, our conversation just seemed to flow..... God he was so beautiful. At lunch we had our first lipsynching rehearsal and we had about 12 girls which is pretty good for a first rehearsal turn out, aparantly 25 girls confirmed they want to do it :D 

Afterschool i went and bummed around in priceline were i bought a gold eyeliner and a pink lipliner (tried on so many lip products, my lips were dying) and then found formal earrings for $2 (hope they match) and got a little bit of breadtop before going home. 

P asked me a question about my formal for the first time today and it was about pre's, so i finally told him about the fact that we can pick him up and stuff, so now all the 'components' of my plan are actually aware of my plan :P hopefully it goes alright on the day though. I'm stocked about the hummer limo (hope its worth the $70) but am still so unsure about afters, everything is still so up in the air :/

Finally!

So today was monash open day, and i went down to check out the med and radiography and medical imaging course too finally start making some proper decisions. Talking to the radiography people didn't exactly perk up my interest too much, but he did say that i could master and become a radiation therapist or sonographer anTHAT got me interested. It made me think of aunty bubi, and both just seem like such fulfilling jobs. Then i went to a med lecture, where believe it or not i got slightly motivated to want it. Although they all mentioned the negatives and stuff, they all seemed to genuinely, genuinely enjoy the course. I dunno, they all just seemed to have no regrets or anything, which is pretty much my biggest fear. But i think i now kinda have a plan sorted. If i can't get undergrad med, here or interstate (except adelaide) i'll do medical imaging course, whilst in the course if i really enjoy it and want to continue, i'll master as a sonographer or radiation therapist, but if it's not or me, i'll try post grad med and got from there.

I know ive made some pretty big decisions based on only a few hours of information, but this sounds okay to me... Hopefully everyone else is cool with it too o.O

Everything just feels so shit.

So today was umat. Straight after the exam I didnt know how to feel, i was very non chalant about it, but now I dont know, i dont think I did that well...... I didnt get a 'c' for for the last 20 questions!!! Ugh but tbh, i dont know whether this is me actually being realistc and feeling bad, or if ive just let my emotions run amok again. i was really good about stopping any feelings of P from interfering with my headspace before the exam ( which actually was harder than i thought seeing as his dad was with my da AGAIN before the exam and he was all smiley and wishing me luck.... I think he likes me?? :P) but after the exam? Ugh i texted him good luck before and not even 2 secs after we finishe he texted me saying "rapped" (made me laugh :P) but i did end up seeing him for like and awkward 10 secs were we hugged unfront of his dad and banged heads and didnt know what to talk about and omg it was awkward, rethinking about it now is making me cringe :/ ugh byt nevertheless just seeing him made me so unbelievably emotional, like bipolar malshi again. I was so amazingly happy and now i am embarrassed, scared (eng lang sac tomorrow and i dont know if my prep has been adequet..... It doesnt feel like it :/) , worried, rejected, sad, annoyed and jus over it. It's just a whole bunch if shit feeling were i feel fat, not good enough and just plain awful. I just want things to feel okay. To have my emotions be stable again. To not just show 'passive indifference' but feel it too. I just want no feeling for a bit, as bad as it sounds, give me back the grey!

So tomorrow be the umat...

*cue deep frightening end of the world music

LOL but actually i'm feeling okay! A little nervous sure, but I think i've done enough prep, sure i haven't spent the last few weeks pouring over umat like most others, but i'm sure sub conciously the way i've prepared over the last couple of months is more efficient..... Hopefully o.O

I DUNNO, i feel like i have it within me to do well.... I know whether i'll actually do well tomorrow is another thing, but if i can go in with a clear headspace and feelings that arent in the usually depressive pessimistic state, i think i should be okay. I'm avoiding all things med entry or things that will get me upset  and tonight im just going to concentrate on trying to get to my 'prime' - sleep early, sleep in tomorrow, no stalkin of blogs where i know will just get me scared, eating more that usual to avoid the '12.30 grumble' and yeah i dunno just going to try be as positive as i can. Forget formal (mine as well as mhs), forget P (as much as i'm capable of at least) and forget unsurity (is that a word?)  I'm always doubting my ability, but for once I'm going to stop doubting and just start believing, and then, if thats still not enough, if i still dont make it.... Maybe med isnt for me? Maybe the outcome of this test will help me decide exactly whats going on with my future... So if i look at it from that perspective its a win win situation... Kinda :S hahaha well either way, God/s today i pray not that i ace this exam tomorrow, but just that i do as well as i can, in the best mental and physical state that i can be in. And hopefully, that'll be enough to get me over the line, hopefully.

Curious

I woke up today feeling particularily shit. I woke up trying to find something to look forward to and I could actually think of nothing. Despite this, I feel quite content right now :S i mean nothing amazing happened, just a stupid frenh competition where i'm sure i did shit and tutor but I dont't know, I feel ok. I've done like no study, well i kind of have.... Finished an Englang essay this morning (but not really, coz we went thriugh the criteria in class and shit i have work to do), 2 hours french comp, one hour spesh tutor, and like 40 minutes umat checking... I guess considering this should be a 'lazy day' i didn't do tooo bad. And it's also weird, i have eaten so much more fatty food than usual and i dont even care. Like, i just shrugged my shoulders and kept chewing :S AND most importantly im not stressing about P, yes i defs keep thinking about him, but not stressing.... I've decided that i'm going to attribute his lack of replies due to intense umat revision, so O can stop worrying about whether he is just not replying coz he thinks i'm boring but i think the main thing is today I didn't check my messages in the morning, I didnt let him decide my mood for the day. PROGRESS FINALLY!! If i can keep going pike this til' formal maybe I wont go mad

Today was productive

- spesh exercise

- umat exam

- eng lang quotes

- french rev essay

- chem notes

- half checked umat exam

Im suprised how much i got done.... I een have time now to youtube and paint my nails :S I also don't know how I was so productive with P fucking up my feelings the whole day too. Its actually gotten to the stage where im having this near constant feeling of uneasiness. Where my heart beats faster, i struggle to breath and my stomach turns over itself..... Even as i write this now i have the feeling. This just gets me even more panicked for umat..... How can i do this 3 hour exam in this state?? I've got 10 days to try figure out a way to calm myself down, please god make me okay for umat, let me do my best - better than i've ever done (and if thats still not good enough, well maybe med isnt my calling) but yeah, let me freak out as much as you want me too afterwards ( after englang and chem sacs though :P). But no actually, to think that he now has ability to cause physical reactions from me? That's fucking ridiculous. I want to talk to someone about it, but its so embarrasing. Unless someone has gone through what I am going through they wont understand. They will just think i'm overreacting, that this is all in my head and im just being a typical teenage girl. But this is more than that, i wish i were overreacting.... That this was just a fikle crush I could get over as soon as the next good looking guy came along. What's happening to me now scares me. One person shouldn't be able to control me like this. He doesn't even know how vulnerable i am, which scares me even more, because say he does realise that im not good enough for him, or that there really isnt anything that special about me, he wont let go softly. He has the ability to absolutely crush me and leave me a complete mess. He has this power and he doesn't know. I feel so vulnerable. So so so vulnerable. 

from yesterday

Because blogger is being stupid, im just venting here and depending on my mood and laziness, i’ll copy this over.
So tbh, i don’t really know what to write. I want to write something profound and deep but then there is the nagging angsty teenager with too many emotions in the back of my mind that keeps yelling out information i really dont want to remember. But however if i am going to get any solace out of writin my thoughts, i might as well go the whole way.
1) I really would have liked to have been asked…… Honestly i really cant be bothered, and i totally dont have the cash for it…. But still, as much as it shames me to say, this is a but of a blow to the ego…. I mean i havent conpletely changed from year 10 Malshi. I still care about what people think if me, thankfully not as much as I used to, but nevertheless i still do…. And i still worry what they will say about me. I know that it wont be SO bad because i went to formal last week and everyone knows it…. But still, i know there will be talk and even forgetting all that, even me… Myself i can’t help but ask, what’s wrong with me?
2) I’m going to have to tell you soon. I know I keep saying this and keep doing nothing about it, but i think the way you influence my feelings is impacting on how i do umat. I know how lame that sounds, but seeing as how limited my current options are for the future, fucking up umat is has to be avoided at all costs. When you dont talk to me i’m sad, when you do I can’t stop thinking about you….. Both of these situations are far from the ideal headspace i should be in when i do umat. I need my feelings and my mind to be stable when i do this test, and i can’t let you unknowingly ruin my chances of this opportunity.
3) I think If I had gone to nossal i would have been so much happier. Academically i know i would be no where near the level i am now…. But emotionally, mentally and socially i think i’d be so much better off, and in the bigger scheme of things, isn’t that what is really important?? I dont think I would have developed any aversion to food and my body image…. I think i’d overthink less and be more optimistic. Although the one thing I think is weird, is that i dont know if i’d be in love with P. Or if we would even be friends. I see it playing out like a american teenage drama, were if i did happen to fall for him, he would never know until graduation, and when he found out he wouldn’t care and probably just laugh about it with his friends. Its just weird to think, i would have been able to see first hand the things that dive me insane now. P and T, all his girl friends, him at parties…. I wonder how i’d react?? Would i care as much as i do now?? Would i even care at all?? This will forever be my biggest what if.

So much love. So so so so much.













why aren't you in love with me yet?

no, I'm not going to let you do this, not today.

Today is Aunty B's funeral, and I'm not going to be upset over you. I'm not going to waste my feelings on your and your lack of ability to even try make me feel better. Today is not the day to think endlessly about why you comforted her, but make no such effort with me and "hope your doing well" doesn't fucking count. I don't need you to make me feel better, Aunty is gone and I fucking know that, not even you can make me feel better about it..... I just wanted to know you that you cared. That you care about what's going on with me, and that you're willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone to at least try be there for me.

well fuck you.

wow

so its been a while ey?
not been posting for almost a month mainly due to the fact that my laptop was fucked up and i ceebs posting on the downstairs computer BUT yesterday was formal (with P yes) so i feel that this very signeficant day has to be recorded. The good and the bad.
So before I had a chance to have a full blown panic attack we got a phone call from uncle S that ammi and apachchi should come visit aunty B. Of all days, all fucking days. My hair appointment was at 1.30 and J came to pick me up, so my emotions were going all over the place, i was excited, then guilty, then upset, and then nervous, it was just so fucking draining. So my hair didn't look amazing and she had to fixed it quite a bit before I was even semi happy (plus she charged $40 -.-) but when the makeup and dress came on, i didn't look half bad.
Went to P's late because of appachchi and traffic but it wasn't too bad coz a few other girls were late too. Pre's was awkwardish. I tried and failed at small talk. I stood awkwardly around.there was a very very awkward moment when we were doing shots and there wasnt enough for me and ugh just the thought makes me cringe,and the one photo i did see that P's dad took, i looked so fucking fat :/ I was actually shaking during the photos just because my emotions were just everywhere.As bad as pre's was (and tbh, it probably wasn't even that bad...im just overanalysing it), P's dad was really adorable and friendly, and i even kissed his mum hello who was nothing at all of what i expected she seemed so nice!
The limo was mint. like omfg so much fun, more shots and P got drunk and he was singing and laughing and just so much fun. I got to know his best mate L a bit who i think might like me despite all the disgusted looks he gave me because of my lack of knowledge in shm and cars. But yeah i was slightly tipsy too, and with P was just racing and it was just so funny.
When we did get to brighton the boys finished off the drinks so P was even more drunk but oh he was so funny. He was talking at like 100km/h introducing me to everyone we passed (yeah they could tell P was drunk). He started getting really personal and stuff too.He told me about this huge fight with his mum and brother and that he cried about it and wow he really opened up.
WE SLOW DANCED!! haha and he was the one who asked me to as well!! but it was all romantic or anything, we were really chill about it and we just talked and he mentioned my formal and how he was nervous for it and stuff.... (this was the moment i decided i will get him drunk at our pres). this was about 2/3 through the night? and for the last bit P turned into the complete opposite. All his energy was zapped out of him and he just looked so tired and even though we dance it was kinda boring dancing and i dunno, it was great BUT i had such a good time with drunk P it kinda made up for it.
End of the night, i kissed him on the cheek...had he still been slightly tipsy i think it would have been a proper kiss but it was too bad. We hugged alot, and held hands a lot and he put his arms around my waist alot and it was nice....i dont really see a kiss happening at my formal either but if he at least has fun it will be ok.
ok the worst bit of the night. P left before my coz whitney called her mum late, so we ended up having to wait an hour. i didn't hear my phone at all but P had left 2 missed calls and a text, because apparently he and his dad drove back to get me (his dad called my dad to make sure i was okay). Ugh i only saw the call half an hour after he made it, so who knows how long they waited for me!! i just felt so so so so so awful :/
Turns out not only W's mum came but her dad and ammi and appachchi too. they had all been at aunty B's house so after getting picked at 12, we went back to W's house got change, then went home. The whole time i was texting P apologizing and just talking about the situation with aunty B and he tried comforting me in a weird way i think, which was nice BUT alas it was a freindsy text message again. ugh i dont even know.
Now for the few photos i did take.