Today was productive

- spesh exercise

- umat exam

- eng lang quotes

- french rev essay

- chem notes

- half checked umat exam

Im suprised how much i got done.... I een have time now to youtube and paint my nails :S I also don't know how I was so productive with P fucking up my feelings the whole day too. Its actually gotten to the stage where im having this near constant feeling of uneasiness. Where my heart beats faster, i struggle to breath and my stomach turns over itself..... Even as i write this now i have the feeling. This just gets me even more panicked for umat..... How can i do this 3 hour exam in this state?? I've got 10 days to try figure out a way to calm myself down, please god make me okay for umat, let me do my best - better than i've ever done (and if thats still not good enough, well maybe med isnt my calling) but yeah, let me freak out as much as you want me too afterwards ( after englang and chem sacs though :P). But no actually, to think that he now has ability to cause physical reactions from me? That's fucking ridiculous. I want to talk to someone about it, but its so embarrasing. Unless someone has gone through what I am going through they wont understand. They will just think i'm overreacting, that this is all in my head and im just being a typical teenage girl. But this is more than that, i wish i were overreacting.... That this was just a fikle crush I could get over as soon as the next good looking guy came along. What's happening to me now scares me. One person shouldn't be able to control me like this. He doesn't even know how vulnerable i am, which scares me even more, because say he does realise that im not good enough for him, or that there really isnt anything that special about me, he wont let go softly. He has the ability to absolutely crush me and leave me a complete mess. He has this power and he doesn't know. I feel so vulnerable. So so so vulnerable.