from yesterday

Because blogger is being stupid, im just venting here and depending on my mood and laziness, i’ll copy this over.
So tbh, i don’t really know what to write. I want to write something profound and deep but then there is the nagging angsty teenager with too many emotions in the back of my mind that keeps yelling out information i really dont want to remember. But however if i am going to get any solace out of writin my thoughts, i might as well go the whole way.
1) I really would have liked to have been asked…… Honestly i really cant be bothered, and i totally dont have the cash for it…. But still, as much as it shames me to say, this is a but of a blow to the ego…. I mean i havent conpletely changed from year 10 Malshi. I still care about what people think if me, thankfully not as much as I used to, but nevertheless i still do…. And i still worry what they will say about me. I know that it wont be SO bad because i went to formal last week and everyone knows it…. But still, i know there will be talk and even forgetting all that, even me… Myself i can’t help but ask, what’s wrong with me?
2) I’m going to have to tell you soon. I know I keep saying this and keep doing nothing about it, but i think the way you influence my feelings is impacting on how i do umat. I know how lame that sounds, but seeing as how limited my current options are for the future, fucking up umat is has to be avoided at all costs. When you dont talk to me i’m sad, when you do I can’t stop thinking about you….. Both of these situations are far from the ideal headspace i should be in when i do umat. I need my feelings and my mind to be stable when i do this test, and i can’t let you unknowingly ruin my chances of this opportunity.
3) I think If I had gone to nossal i would have been so much happier. Academically i know i would be no where near the level i am now…. But emotionally, mentally and socially i think i’d be so much better off, and in the bigger scheme of things, isn’t that what is really important?? I dont think I would have developed any aversion to food and my body image…. I think i’d overthink less and be more optimistic. Although the one thing I think is weird, is that i dont know if i’d be in love with P. Or if we would even be friends. I see it playing out like a american teenage drama, were if i did happen to fall for him, he would never know until graduation, and when he found out he wouldn’t care and probably just laugh about it with his friends. Its just weird to think, i would have been able to see first hand the things that dive me insane now. P and T, all his girl friends, him at parties…. I wonder how i’d react?? Would i care as much as i do now?? Would i even care at all?? This will forever be my biggest what if.