So today was umat. Straight after the exam I didnt know how to feel, i was very non chalant about it, but now I dont know, i dont think I did that well...... I didnt get a 'c' for for the last 20 questions!!! Ugh but tbh, i dont know whether this is me actually being realistc and feeling bad, or if ive just let my emotions run amok again. i was really good about stopping any feelings of P from interfering with my headspace before the exam ( which actually was harder than i thought seeing as his dad was with my da AGAIN before the exam and he was all smiley and wishing me luck.... I think he likes me?? :P) but after the exam? Ugh i texted him good luck before and not even 2 secs after we finishe he texted me saying "rapped" (made me laugh :P) but i did end up seeing him for like and awkward 10 secs were we hugged unfront of his dad and banged heads and didnt know what to talk about and omg it was awkward, rethinking about it now is making me cringe :/ ugh byt nevertheless just seeing him made me so unbelievably emotional, like bipolar malshi again. I was so amazingly happy and now i am embarrassed, scared (eng lang sac tomorrow and i dont know if my prep has been adequet..... It doesnt feel like it :/) , worried, rejected, sad, annoyed and jus over it. It's just a whole bunch if shit feeling were i feel fat, not good enough and just plain awful. I just want things to feel okay. To have my emotions be stable again. To not just show 'passive indifference' but feel it too. I just want no feeling for a bit, as bad as it sounds, give me back the grey!