I want to stop feeling bad.

I think I had a revelation today at temple (lol not enlightenment, just a consequence of not understanding a word of what the monk is saying, so over thinking to pass the time). P and I aren't ever really going to be together. I know it sounds almost melodramatic, but when I look at the situation realistically, I just don't see anything. There is no way a long distance thing would happen. I can not deal with what I'm going through right now, for the rest of my uni life. I feel like we're stuck in this rut, and the only way to get out of it is just to stop it altogether or see each other more often, and if i end up living in sydney or queensland next year, that doesn't seem likely to happen.

The other situation is if I stick it here in Melbourne. I'd be going to monash... the one place I didn't want to go... that i wanted to get away from... but we could try it. It would still be long distance or sorts if he goes to bundurra, but we could make it work. But still, how invested would each one of us be?? Scratch that, how invested would he be.I keep replaying the phone conversation in my head. How it reminded me so much of the conversation I had with A. They were so similar but the situations couldn't be any more different. I didn't love A. So it hurts. It hurts like fuck that he doesn't care but I can't do anything about it. What really confuses me though is how similar I thought we were. I mean we are to an extent, but now I notice little things here and there were we disagree. We are not so different where "opposites attract" but we're not so similar that we're "soul mates". 

Another reason I feel so bad about it all is that conversations haven't gotten any easier. As in we talk fine and about the most random things in the world, but talking to P isn't like talk to D or M. I'm not at that stage where I'm comfortable enough to tell him anything and let me see me at my worst. I had this feeling before.. and I had always just blamed it on the fact there were too many secrets between us. That because he didn't know how I felt, and because I couldn't be completely honest with him, that of course we weren't going to be each others "no.1". But he knows, I know we both know how the other person feels.... yet I still can't talk as freely as I want to, and it's the same with him. He makes fun of me and feels the need to apologise, or clarify that he is joking... he stays on really safe topics of conversation....I just really thought things would have been different now.