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fuck me. Okay blow by blow account of yesterday and then thoughts and feelings afterwards.

• J came and picked me up at around 4ish and took my to N's
• waxed my back so it was silky smooth and N told me that P told her, that P was waiting to see if I was going uni interstate before he tried anything?? :S
• watched the video J made me for my birthday (I think it's her present too? :S) whilst eating timtams and dnming
• got ready for P's and I was actually really really calm, took selfies and tried getting tipsy on beer that tasted like ass
• on the way to P's was having fucking internal panic attacks and any calm feelings I had pretty much evaporated
• got to P's and he was already drunk. His parents were there and were super cute and unbelievably cool with all the alcohol around
• L was so so so friendly and talked to me straight away, P apparently kept looking at me but hardly spoke to me
• it was freezing outside so L gave me his jacket which i woe for a good hour before i realised how slutty i looked and gave it back
• P got more drunk
• met heaps of lovely new people and got hit on by M like 5-6 times
• talked with L heaps and this cool as year 11, N outside with A and P. P was off his face and talking about some journey and crap but he bought me pizza?
• L kept lifting me up :S
• kept trying to talk to P but his attention span was ridiculous and when we did manage to get a good 10 minute conversation it was about him and M's drunk antics which includes him pissing in a sink 
• danced to black music with a tipsy J
• watched P's parents dance which was sososososo cute
• left P'a at like 12.30 after an intense avril lavigne singing sesh with S, being hit on again by M and a tickle/poke fight with L
• went home back to N's having had an amazing night but being so so so disappointed by the lack of closure i recieved
• dnmed about how shit P is until about 3am
• went to bed and woke at like 7 thinking only about P and how frustrating he was
• ammi and appachchi picked me up at 10.30 and started asking all these questions about the party i went to... felt so bad for lying :/
• went dfo and did some serious shopping
• and alas i am here.