That time of year

Okay so it's not exactly that time of year, but seeing as i'll be in Vietnam most likely without internet access I'm going to post this a few days early.

BEST OF 2014

1. TOGA PARTY

Where our premed group formed and I felt so loved and so apart of something. I felt included and was just so so so thankful I had found a group of people I could feel comfortable with.

2. FAREWELL PARTY

It had it's ups and downs, but I have never felt so loved or so appreciated. The effort people had gone to just blew me away.

3. GRACE RECOVERY

Ball was ruined by a very bad decision, but recovery was saved by my choice to walk away from conflict and enjoy myself when said bad decision tried to "Gee me up". Alcohol+foam+music = a very good time.

4. THE FIRST DATE

My first proper date, which although now has turned incredibly sour, at the time it made me feel on top of the world.

5.  SYDNEY

Tbh pretty much all of Sydney was fab. Seeing everyone make effort to see us and take us around made me feel so reassured that I had found some genuinely genuinely good friends in QLD. Special mention to the 1 hour and Ivy, the intense 2 hours at Galaxy world and all the awesome food eaten.

6. MY BIRTHDAY

Again no photos for this one, and also had its ups and downs, but I think my friends in qld deserve a round of applause. They went above and beyond and also thankyou to all the freebies redeemed as well as the most fun clubbing experience I have ever had. The RE is always a good idea.

7. RACHEL'S HOUSE PARTY

When the group was starting to get distant, this party really made us feel together again for at least one night. It was messy, it was loud, there was vomit and there was complaints but holy shit it was fun.

8. AWESOME 4SOME

I know I'm being particularly biased but I can't help it. And tbh it's not like everytime the four of us caught up it wasn't fun. I never expected this little gang to form but it did and I'm hella glad.

9. GOODBYE DINS FOR GARGS

It was sad, but it felt like SNAGMS and PK again. They way it used to feel like in highschool.

10. FIRST NIGHT OUT ASIAN CLUBBING

Tbh I don't remember much, but looking back at all the photos, I'm sure it would have been a good night :P

So in a space of 5 minutes i've come down with this complete feeling of sadness. I have no idea what brought it on, but all I know is I don't feel like doing anything, I feel fat and boring.
#pityparty

Please let the Sydney Seige end soon and in a peaceful manner. May no one be hurt, and compromise attained. May this event not spark other attacks or hate, yet be a stepping stone in understanding the thought process of other extremists to prevent and further attacks in the future.

How can so much time have passed and I STILL care about him so much. How can I still be so vulnerable to his actions and words. It has been years. I don't even live in the state anymore, if it didn't happen when I lived in Melbourne, it's definitely not going to happen when I live in QLD. I just don't understand how I can still have so much feeling towards him. It's no wonder I can't move on, everyone I've met, I've always compared to him and no one has even come close. I just want to move on. I just want to be able to love and care about someone who loves and cares about me just as much.

I want to be able to go to Sydney and enjoy myself, not spend the whole time worrying about money and how much im wasting. I've saved heaps of money here in Melbourne by working and not going out so it's okay for me to let loose a bit and enjoy myself. Where possible, yes Malshi, get the cheaper option for food, have water instead of a drink and remember Melbourne shopping is 9/10 times cheaper. Be thrifty but don't be stingy.

Malshi stop doing this to yourself. Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it.

I don't know how to feel anymore.

He has a girlfriend. Get over it. Did you really expect him to have no other girl in his life this whole year? None at all? You suspected it, A confirmed it. Just accept the fact he's moved on and concentrate on being friends. If it were supposed to happen it would have already, its been years and it hasn't so you need to get your shit together and stop closing yourself to all other guys Malsh. There have been so many guys this year and you have not given yourself a proper chance, come on it's time.

48kg by the end of the week. You can do it Malsh

Last night in Brisbane, holy shit it has been a year. I have never experienced so much, never met so many new people and have never had my liver so tested. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows but fuck it has been great. This year has been amazing and I am so so so thankful I have had the opportunity.
I know I complain about a lot of things but life, thanks for making me move, you did good :)

I'm so excited yet so nervous for tomorrow's exam. I'll finally be done with first year uni and will have the rest of this week to relax and go out but on the other hand I have no idea how i will go. I'e studied a fair bit but none of it seems to resonate. All the reaction mechanisms I learnt an hour ago completely slip my mind as soon as I learn a new one. I just really really really hope tomorrow goes ell. I've been doing well in chem this year so far because i've put in the effort. I now realise that letting it slip up during semester was a bad idea, but if i didn't how else would I have prepared for biol1040. An 80% on this exam, come on Malsh, you can do it.

So today is the day of Obama's speech and I feel like shit. Another reminder of how insignificant I am and how unneeded my presence is despite all my daydreams of being famous and important. I'm isolating myself in my room until brunch and will watch the live stream alone. Staying off snapchat, facebook and away from people who will be bursting with excitement on return from their fabulous opportunity.
ugh.

I need to think about this realistically, yeah it would have been the most amazing thing in the whole entire world to see Obama speak, like best thing in my life. But why me?
I don't study politics
I'm not in a leadership position (nor was I intending to go for one)
I have no idea what is going on in the Asia Pacific
I don't intend on ever going into the UN or doing something that relates to international relations

tbh me going would probably be so unfair, considering how many other girls would be more suited.
Malshi, get over it.

I have never felt so stressed or unprepared for an exam in my life. Its come to the point were I can't concentrate on anything so I'm just going to go to bed and home I'll wake up fresh tomorrow for study in the morning. All I want is 67% please please please just give me 67% and that 6 to keep up my GPA.

but then again why is this number so important?

And today yet again I realise how shit people/humanity can be. It was only a small action, where the boys convinced a stranger that N was interested in him, but this "joke" infuriated me.
why?
What do they have to gain from humiliating this guy? From making him believe that someone is interested in him so he can go and make a fool of himself just for their enjoyment. It is mean. Downright mean and cruel playing with someones emotions and self esteem, both already so fragile without filth messing with them already.
It actually saddens me without measure to know that even we, future doctors, people who are supposed to be spending the rest of their lives devoted to helping people, of feeling empathy and doing good are acting in this way.It makes me so angry that they can easily make a conscious decision not to do shit things but they just choose to do so anyway, because putting someone down is more fun. It really makes me lose hope when this is who I'm surrounded with. Knowing that these are going to be the people that others in society will one day look to for guidance and advice.
People are mean and I need to know that. I get  comfortable and keep forgetting how awful they can genuinely be but nevertheless there is always something that comes back to remind me.

so ungrateful and so fucking unappreciative.

19th

• turned 19 with R which was cute coz I was with her when she turned 19 (but fkn M screwed up interrupted the cute present giving because R was on foyer duty, and M wanted to go to sleep so she kept pushing R to leave quickly)  - she got me mochi, a little miss trouble mug (coz trouble always seems to follow me around) and a cute purse thing from diaso. She also delivered MAC eyelash glue on A's behalf ($$$) that girl

• N and C came over at like 12.15 to wish me happy birthday and we chilled in my room til like 3am
• Gracies woke me up by jumping on my bed at like 9am coz i nearly missed breakky (but they bought me a bagel)
• They got me a tigger onsie, chai tea and strainer, a black clutch and a duffle bag
• A left bagel's at my door (kinda stale coz she bought them two days earlier hahah)
• After lunch went to the city to buy special friend stuff
• Met E, C and N at passiontree where we studied and they shouted me dessert
• met P at southbank for churros where P also stole her hotchocolate mug
• so my "im not going out, i ahve an exam on thursday" mentality went out the window and we went back to grace got D then straight to King's to pre in S's room
• it was actually so chill just hanging out there, really laid back with just P, D, J, T, S, F and me of course
• got some random King's guy to drive us to the RE but when we got there it was so dead omg, but far out I think it was one of my favourite nights out yet. We were all so drunk and F kept buying everyong drinks and we were dancing and just having so so so much fun. (I even snorted salt) haha
• got I to pick us up at like 1, in bed by 2 it was a solid night out hahah

Things I wish were better?

- if P texted me (to be fair he said he did want to message at 12 but he was working.... but regardless he still just inboxed and made it very clear he wanted to see me...as friends)

 - K's complete lack of effort. I thought we were getting really close but all I got was a "happy birthday malshi" on my facebook wall and a snapchat later on in the night.

- half of premed didn't wish me happy birthday

- neither did J

- or C and J

- N and J was the only midnight message (but D did send me a text at like 1 which was cute)

- That A put in slightly more effort (but true she does have exams)

- if I got mail

them birthday feels

Have now had 5 kings boys asked me to "come over". How am I still a virgin.

I just did my 20 facts on instagram and now am having a social anxiety attack

things i should be grateful for today

• won free underwear for spinning a wheel
• won free money for candy
• got an A for my biol prac
• got 90% for my chem midsem
• had wedges and Caesar salad for dinner
• no more econference ffs
• im going home in two days
• i have no uni tomorrow
• im going home in two days!!!

Its pitiable that my self esteem relies on having at least one guy hit on me on a night out, for me to feel pretty and have a successfully good night

#needybitch

So I wasn't nominated because I have no friends, but fuck it, here's my 20 facts anyway.

1) In year 3 I was still spelling my last name wrong #13lettersguys
2) I absolutely hate anything with parsley or ginger (J knows)
3) My three top places I want to visit are Paris, Santorini and Africa
4) I can twist my wrist 360 degrees
5) I've read every Harry Potter book at least 7 times ( and some of them in French)
6) I've never moved houses my entire life
7) lol but then I moved states to QLD for uni, so now i'm on college
8) My life will be fulfilled if I hug a chimp before I die (hence Africa #3)
9) I have freezing hands like 96% of the time
10) I'm always wearing glasses or contacts, for those who have glasses my eyes are 7.50 and 6.50 for
 those who don't, that means I will walk into a pole even if its 10cm away
11) On that note, I used to be scared of the optometrist because I thought they were going to tell me I was going to go blind everytime I went
12) Defs a morning person, even after a night out i'm up at 7.30am
13) Probably the most technologically challenged teenager you'll ever meet
14) Brunch is one of my most favourite things in the world
15) I've never broken a bone
16) He may have let himself go a bit, but I would still do Leonardo Di Caprio
17) My favourite movie series is the Lord of the Rings
18)  I'm shocking with directions, I make the stereotype
19) When I'm bored at home I go into my brothers room and sit on him will he's sleeping so he wakes up lol
20)  Chronic overthinker

just saw this post on tumblr
"genuinely worried no one will ever fall in love with me"

Not, gonna like I'm more worried that I wont fall in love with someone else. I have someone who loves me and it feels like crap. Knowing how much they care when you barely give a fuck is just not fair on anybody. I'm worried that I wont ever find someone that I think being with will allow me to feel the most I can feel. I'm worried i'll keep saying no, or have too high expectations of what love is supposed to be and end up alone because none of my expectations were ever reached.

I did exactly what I said I wouldn't do, I've been letting my guard down and making myself vulnerable.
I need to get away from college, dad couldn't have chosen a better time to come up. Yes I wish I was going to fresherome, what I really need is a break from this whirlwind world. To be away from any sort of guy who comes from King's and to just get my feet planted on the ground again.
Stop.Losing.Focus

I really don't know what's happening

I feel like after King's everyone over there just likes me way better. People were coming up and hugging me and they knew my name and I dunno, it felt/feels good.
But this is just taking me backwards.
I told myself I would stay away, that to avoid the drama and the bad feelings I need to stop caring and not let me happiness reside on what a group of boys think of me. Yes some of them I have come to realise can be genuinely nice, but it's too much of a risk to let my guard down and let them in any closer.
Don't lack vigilance malsh, don't forget what they can do to you.

So he is good.

and King's ball is actually happening.
Holy shit

but first my chem exam which I just cannot study for. I feel as though I'm ready for it but i'm not sure whether i'm just being complacent or distracted by King's ball. I've done the pass sheets, i've read the text book, done all my notes and looked at past exams.... i've even youtubed! What is there left for me to do? I started my study early, so I should feel confident right?

please make me do okay, chem is the only subject i feel i can get a 7 in right now.

I think he may actually be good....maybe

I'm really really hoping you won't hurt me.

Please.

I'm trusting you even though I told myself I would never trust one of your type  again. Please prove me wrong and please don't hurt me. I really don't think i'd be able to handle it.

I must be getting my period because everything I am thinking right now is probably bitchy enough to send a grown man off in tears.

When people follow you until you follow back then unfollow you

i've got the app you fuckers

I know he's a good guy and before R opened his stupid immature little mouth I was perfectly fine with who A was and even enjoyed the flirting. Now all I have radiating in my mind is "he's a loser", "everyone will judge if you go with him, "you'll have a shit time" etc. It's so high school but I can't help it. I thought I had gone over this stage, that I was mature enough to stop giving a shit about what those kinda guys thought. I got nothing from them and except pain and hurt so why the fuck am I letting them ruin something that could actually be good? A is a nice guy. He is a really nice, DRAMA FREE guy. He is the exact kinda guy I need right now to help me restore trust and friendship in the male kind. I NEED to forget about R, I need to not let him psych me out. He was speaking out of passive aggressiveness and I know that. He was hurt and I understand why. Let him be petty, let him be immature but Malshi DON'T let him ruin something that could be a really good thing for you.

ok so just let me be a little petty bitch alright?

ugh so I just saw the dancefest groups and I didn't make any of the medium/hard groups which has me really really REALLY annoyed. I know i'm not an amazing dancer but i'm sure im better than some of the girls who did make it (namely P and H who were chosen i think purely because they have friends on the committee) This means i'm chucked to the side in the easy group and i'm not sure if I even want to do it anymore. I know that is so stupid and immature, but dance fest seems like a bit of a commitment and it will require me spending 3 days less in melbourne so I can make the dancefest camp. Do I really want to put that much in, when i will most likely be bored and uncommitted to the whole production? But that said, over half the college is participating ugh. I can't really talk to anyone about it because I will sound so petty and up myself, but I'm actually in a really dilemma :/

I don't know what i'm doing wrong

After moving to QLD i've made conscious effort to try be a better person. To keep my mouth shut when I have something mean to say, to take the high road in a debacle and to not get angry when I have effort right to be furious. I've been trying to consider the consequences of my actions before every move I make in order to protect the feelings of others but despite all of this why am I still the one getting hurt? I'm the one left with no ball date less than a week before ball because of meddlesome friends that i've actively chosen not to be mad at. I'm the one left feeling like absolute shit because i'm letting something as trivial as a ball make me upset and i'm the one left wanting more than anything to go home to Melbourne where I don't have to worry about uni, making effort with friends or being excluded.
Being in a situation like this a year ago would have had me just so so stressed, but now rather than stressed i'm just tired and upset. I'm not panicked about ball, I'm just really hurt that i'm in this situation when all i've been trying to do this whole time is the right thing to spare everyone's feelings and cause the least drama. Does this mean i'm supposed to revert back? When I'm angry shout, when i'm mad at someone be bitchy, spread gossip. Stop being Switzerland and start taking sides over petty drama. I really don't know what to do.

ugh im just so over it all. I wish I could just not care. About college, about the premeddies, about boys, about grades and about calories. I'm just so tired and all I want to do is stay in bed and avoid it all, but that doesn't solve any of the things I am worried about. I'm just exhausted and want to go back to holidays in melb where it was perfectly acceptable to stay in my pj's the whole day doing nothing but eating and watching movies.
I said this sem would be different. That by being more involved these feelings would occur less and would be replaced with ones that make me feel loved and included. Everything is just so stupid, none of it matters, it's all superficial and fucking pointless.

ba-gel

The cravings are real.

I said yes to going to ball with him and I really don't know if I should have. More than anything I just want to be honest as to why I was so hesitant but considering my ball is in two weeks I can't risk causing any drama.
This is what makes me want to leave college after a year.

So homesick and I haven't even left yet.

ugh I really don't want to go back. I am so touched when I get snaps of girls from Grace saying they miss me, but all the partying and drama is not something I am quite ready for again just yet. I'm not ready to jump into 3 very intense subjects as well as the try improve all the other things I wanted to this semester.

I take back everything I said last post.

I haven't felt this uneasy in a long long time. Thinking about next sem just makes me feel so uncomfortable. Ball, Grace, phys, premeddies, socy1030, chem..... there are just so many things I am uncertain about and feel unsure about and just don't want to deal with. This month at home may have been lacking the excitement I get back in QLD but the comfort of home and the expected is something that I have been unknowingly missing for a very long time. I feel so sad about how little time I have left but rather than going out and making the most of it all I want to do is stay at home and mope.

I have reached the point.

I am at the point where I'm ready to go back to QLD. So I now know 3 weeks is the ideal time for me to be back at home lol. I think from now on, I wont be thinking about how little time I have left in melb, but rather how little time I have to wait to go back to independence.

It's so frustrating. I can't trust him at all. I know what his friends are like and I know that despite being different in QLD he is no different to the shit guys he hangs out with here. I hate the fact that they think of me as a slut when they don't know how much I've had to change to fit in and not be stereotyped. They have no right judging me when they have no idea what my situation is and what I have to deal with. For God's sake, I can't fucking win, they think I'm a slut, while in QLD I've been called frigid. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Despite all this though, there is still something about him. Something that makes me want more but I know will never happen because lol it's him. If he gets with any girl I would be so upset, even though I know I have no right too considering he's already walked in on a date with R. Ugh the situation just gets messier and messier because now having time apart I am 99% sure that i'm not into R, also talking to S has reminded me of the fun you can have with subtle flirting and who knows what can happen there?

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANKYOU

please please please please let me have passed everything with a 5
please please please
i swear I will try harder in uni next sem, this semester was such a huge change and it took me by surprise. So much freedom at once and I really didn't know how to handle it. I swear I will try, but PLEASE you know I studied, I did try. No more parties before exams, less shitty eating and less feeling bad about missing out. Im in qld to study and its something I will really try to remember next sem,
Please help me out.

dance.

Just came home from V's dance graduation and omg WOW. The performances were so so so so amazing, and I couldn't have been more prouder of the girls. Tbh, the fact that the show went for about 5 hours had everyone a little drained, but I honestly don't think anyone would say that these girls were fabulous dancers. There stamina and energy was so impressive and they put on such a good show.

Also saw P's family today. His dad kept looking me up and down because I was wearing a sari (not for kicks, i was helping out with the show) and I think he was impressed. Ugh it's annoying how in with the parents I was..... :/

REH4B

I'm really not good and keeping up to date am I?

dot points because there is much to talk about but fkn cbs.

• ordered ball dress! wasn't the one i wanted from tobi, but tobi doesnt do paypal -.- this one is slightly more....sultry, red bodycon with mesh near the boobs.... yeah hoping i dont need to get it adjusted so ammi never has to see it :P also ordered makeup brushes FINALLY
• said bye to G :( it wasn't as heartbreaking as i thought it would be but i think its because it hasnt really sunk in, i still feel like she'll be here next time im down
• went to dodgeball on friday to watch all my frainds play, they didnt win but they certainly put up a decent fight. I saw so many people i hadnt seen since last year which was absolutely great. It was hella weird to see all my different circles become... one circle? Also made me feel slightly annoyed if im being honest. I used to be the binding link between these different groups, but now those groups have meshed and everyone has become closer friends than what I have. I know its stupid for me to feel jealous, but I miss feeling like i was needed #selfabsorbediknow
• so discovered i am pretty much 50kgs now. I didnt expect at all to put on weight. I knew i had eaten a lot over the second half of semester, but i have also exercised just as much. I think i can rightly say at least 1kg is due to muscle but even so, ive had people tell me i've put on weight. (both were compliments, but yeah no, dont like it)
• so the above ^ has lead to me only eating two meals a day. I've also joined the local gym but i really dont like it there, its so stuffy and hot and there are so many people. BUT results are showing, in the week i've been home, ive already lost about 1kg. I'm hoping to go back to qld weighing 46-47kgs which at the rate im going seems perfectly doable
• seeing J and C tomorrow! so excited because i finally get to meet A, the lesbian lover :P hahaah, we're going to very overpriced brunch place, and i really want to do my best not to be stingy, but we'll see how that goes
• rehab is on wednesday and although I am so keen to go out, I am also getting so frustrated. I know it's unfair for me to get annoyed but A not knowing what happy hour is? K getting picked up early from the venue? Having to convince parents to sleep over? it feels like highschool all over again. The "entourage" are pre-ing at mhs, and N has to go over to grab her ticket. She wasn't supposed to bring anyone (sounds like a fkn cult) but they said if she had to I was the only person she was allowed to bring. SO the both of us are ditching the group pre's half way to go get her ticket, and then swigging vodka there or travelling from there to trak. LOL let's see how well this goes down
• J and I have had our first contact via snapchat in about 3 months?
• also meeting with L next wednesday to do weed. Malshi wtf have you gotten yourself into/

Back.

Fair to say it's been awhile?
So much has happened, so much has changed. If I tried to write about all my experiences since my last post, I really do think I'd be writing forever. So i'm going to start afresh from today, because today ironically I'm not feeling so fresh, and really need to let it all out, and once upon a time, here is where I used to do it.
I'm miss having a small group. Knowing what was happening in everyone's lives, knowing who people were talking about. I hate having to struggle to keep up in conversation because I don't know who or what people are saying or referring to. I'm used to be one of the main member's in a friendship group and now, I feel like I only just belong. I miss the stability and I hate how it's making me choose between trying to make friends and studying for exams (which are tomorrow btw)

I just want to go home ugh.

So it's been a wile since i've had time to write anything. There is just so much that has been going on, so much to write down, to remember, to tell, but i just find i dont have the energy or motivation to do it. What i will say is, i find that people don't really like me. Or rather they like me but don't want to go the extra mile to become a good friend and this is what worries me. What if all i find in QLD is a number of friends who are nothing more than the type of friends you leave behind after a subject or a year at uni is done. What if  i dont find another snagms and pk. ugh

six word stories

He bottle-feeds his wife’s killer.

Cancer. Only three months left. Pregnant.

My Dads met at Bible Camp.

Imagined adulthood. Gained adulthood. Lost Imagination.

I just really really really don't understand how I can go from feeling so loved, to so alone so quickly. Feeling like i'm about to explode with emotion to feeling like i'm collapsing internally.

I know in reality Valentine's Day is really lame and just a way for all the big corporations to make billions and jillions of money but damn, I really hope I have a valentine next year.

lol biggest fail of a games night (played cards for 10 minutes and one round on uno) but omg I love my friends so much.

also why not just reply to my fucking message homg

foodie date with mah friendsssss

ugh I want to find new friends tbh.

feeling kinda unloved tbh. I'm only here for two more weeks and no one wants to meet me :/

two things

1. I just really want someone to talk to me and be all cute and make me life like an idiot
2. I am such a fucking stalker it even freaks me out o.O

why look at the message if you'r not going to reply to it -.-

I had the most amazing day with J and C and words can never express how much I love them and how much I will miss them. I'm not worried about our friendship fading or losing contact because I honestly do think we will last because of how diverse our friendship is. But nevertheless I did almost tear up on the train ride home when I thought about how much they mean to me.

I haven't had these bad feelings in a while. The sort that appear out of no where and just make me feel awful about myself.

As much as I like this new independence that has fallen upon my shoulders after turning 18 and leaving school, I have had to start thinking and making decisions i never thought I"d have to make.
I have my eye on a ridiculously cute boy who pretty much ticks all the boxes (loves kids, isn't homophobic, subtle tankness, introvert but friendly GOOD LOOKING) but isn't Sri lankan but and Indian. Tbh that isn't the part that worries me. It's the fact he is muslim. Although after the whole J fiasco I'm not so keen on the religion, I would never be prejudice or discriminate a person on their beliefs but I definitely cannot say the same for my parents. If they knew about how i feel about him and his religion they probably wouldn't let me move to Queensland with him. I know we only just went on a first date and that there is a huge possibility that even if we do get to get eventually it will be nothing serious, but there is also a very real chance it could be. I feel like i'm digging my own hole by maybe starting something with him, but ugh i really really like him and ugh he is just so perfect after P. Fuck im so torn.

today was so good like omg, im like the pathetic teenage girl you see in movies that makes you cringe at how much of a hopeless romantic she is but omg i am so smitten and its like killing me

I CAN'T HANDLE THIS OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg I am so so so nervous for tomorrow like holy shit so nervous. GAHHHHH
What if it is unbelievably awkward??? especially with the whole "who pays for lunch thing" omg omg omg omg.
I even got my eyebrows done and painted my nails like pokeballs.
fuck im so pathetic
omg omg omg

please just be a typo please just be a typo please just be a typo please just be a typo please please please

15 minutes  left  before I can access my fate.

My life can completely change if tomorrow and feb 4th don't work out. It can be completely turned around on the basis of one email, a whole life I never imagined before laid out in concrete before me.

I know it's over but they way you act with me still hurts.

MALSHI STAHHPP IT!!!

TOO INTENSE TOO FAST TOO INTENSE TOO FAST.
you CANNOT scare him away too.
This conversation can go two ways from that last message, w=ether terribly awkward or terribly cute.

Please be the latter (Y)

I'm such a needy little shit.

YAYAYAYAYAYAAY

he inboxed me he inboxed me hahahaha yayayayayayaayayay


yay for immature malshi

"post new year/pre uni party"

or as I like to call it "an excuse for school leavers to come together and get wasted harmoniously".
I felt so self conscious on the train though, the most body hugging outfit i have ever worn. And watching a guy follow me up the stairs after going in the toilet with one decent outfit and out looking like a slut pretty much just escalated the shame. (I should also mention going into the toilets at dandy station got me so scared i was legit praying i wouldn't get raped)
Took about 2ish hours to get there and when we did arrive we were super early so we went and hid in B's outdoor house thing for a bit because it was too awkward. His back yard is absolutely amazing and the house was then used to half the people who stayed over and all the munters haha.
The party only really started going off when the drinks came out at like 9.30 and then it was pretty much one shot after the other. I did drink a little more than I usually do at parties but stayed within my limits (just). Well I guess the main thing that had my attention was getting A's attention and that I did. When we first saw each other we hugged (sightly awkward simply because I wasn't expecting it coz he is so shy, but definitely a good sign) then some talk about the med interview with the other when we were hiding out waiting for people to come. How I ended up dancing with him multiple times and laying on his chest infront of others and talking alone for another hour I seriously can't eve remember. I really have no idea how we got into the position but fuck we were there for a while ( 100% sure this would have NEVER happened if we were both sober). Then he went with N for a maccas run and I went with my instincts and didn't go when they asked me (yes I learned from S's but a small part of me does wish I went with them) so I was left on the couch with a pillow for my head instead of A's chest until i spent 20 minutes on P's legs seeping til he pushed me off onto the floor -.-
Out of the party hype and our own stupid drunken state N and I (and then S because she had no way of getting home) texted J and said he didn't need to come pick us up because N's brother was doing it. However, in reality we were just staying over at B's. Yeah it seemed like a good idea at the time but when I woke up this morning i regretted it so much. Not only would we have been sleeping on a bed at S's (the original plan) but I suddenly felt really unsafe, dirty and so so so guilty for doing something my parents in 100000000 years would never allow me to do.I had already worn a slutty outfit, drank, spent ages lying on a couch with a boy, lied about how I was getting to the party and then to top it off  slept over there to. From the moment I woke up I wanted to leave. But seeing as I woke up at 6am I knew I had to wait so I sat there for an hour and at 7 got S up and then N and P and discussed how we were getting home and the stories we were going to tell our parents.
P hated me for waking him up so early but tbh he owed me that much for kicking me off the couch and then not even using it and we left B's at around 8 saying bye to his parents (who are actually the cutest human beings alive) and got pick up by N's mum at dandy station at around 10. Everyone's stories worked out fine - I didn't even have to use one, neither parent asked me anything about yesterday and now I'm getting ready to go to the city again to have dinner with J and his friends.

I don't really know what to say to A. I mean if he asked to go out I would definitely say yes but I don't think a sober A would. But what if we both do med? Yes it would be perfect but although I was subconciously confident, that confidence is wavering now that I know he also is probably higher up in the rank compared to me. I dunno, I guess i'll just have to see how things play out.

retail therapy.

lawl I really need to start saving my money.

chiffon dress from valley girl $10 I really liked this in the store but I'm not so sure now.. perhaps it's just my mood

plain white camisole from kmart $6 for the dress I bought above.

Loose fitting muscle top for Supre $5, this is so comfortable but I have no idea how to wear it

really pretty skater skirt from Supre $5

Stretchy bodycon dress from deborah K only $3!! it is a bit loose though

jean shorts from JayJays got this one from stephy!!

Aztec crop top from supre $5

Stripped bodycon tank dress from cotton on $5

correlated pencil skirt from cotton on $10

I feel like im losing my best friend

I was always wary that J was converting for the wrong reasons. That subconsciously it is for N and N only. I know he isn't pressuring her in any way and that all the choices she is making are her own but I feel like she is changing so much and it scares me to death. No drinking, no parties, no hugging boys and not even telling me what's going on with her a N. Her blind and unwavering devotion to a god she only discovered 3 months ago? I don't want to lose her. I can't.

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THE FUCKING FRUSTRATION!!! the frustration he still causes me. He makes me want to explode with anger and feeling.

fkjjrirrkrfkrfkfokfkorfklrfikrfkrkrfkklr

I still don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about tomorrow. The idea of med excites me and absolutely terrifies me at the same time and all the conflicting emotions are just doing me head in.
I want to be a doctor, make a difference, have a stable job, the opportunity to work overseas and have a career that merits respect and gratitude. However, I don't want to destroy myself in the process. To crack under the pressure, the stress and lose the m\best years of my life to studying and work.
I want to get into monash just so the indecision can be over. So I finally know exactly what's going on with something in my future. I have been uncertain pretty much every step of the way and can't bare to think it can carry on well after the 17th of Jan. And the guilt too. Parents having spent over $1000 on interview prep and depending if I move interstate having to withhold from retirement just so they can support me financially? It's a lot of pressure.


fuck i dont even know.

Moral dilemma

I told J about my interview training with G. I know by rights I shouldn't have said anything - medicine is a competitive field. But I just felt so guilty seeing how worried she is.
And tbh I think I have the underlying motivation of maybe trying not to get in because im scared. Everyone I have talked to who is doing undergrad med at monash just talks about how hard and stressful it is and it is so so so scary. In one way I kind of hope I don't get in so then not doing med is out of my control but in the other when I see how disappointed my parents are I can't even imagine how I would feel.
I feel torn, ugh can we please just fast forward to results to see how everything turns out?