I felt so self conscious on the train though, the most body hugging outfit i have ever worn. And watching a guy follow me up the stairs after going in the toilet with one decent outfit and out looking like a slut pretty much just escalated the shame. (I should also mention going into the toilets at dandy station got me so scared i was legit praying i wouldn't get raped)
Took about 2ish hours to get there and when we did arrive we were super early so we went and hid in B's outdoor house thing for a bit because it was too awkward. His back yard is absolutely amazing and the house was then used to half the people who stayed over and all the munters haha.
The party only really started going off when the drinks came out at like 9.30 and then it was pretty much one shot after the other. I did drink a little more than I usually do at parties but stayed within my limits (just). Well I guess the main thing that had my attention was getting A's attention and that I did. When we first saw each other we hugged (sightly awkward simply because I wasn't expecting it coz he is so shy, but definitely a good sign) then some talk about the med interview with the other when we were hiding out waiting for people to come. How I ended up dancing with him multiple times and laying on his chest infront of others and talking alone for another hour I seriously can't eve remember. I really have no idea how we got into the position but fuck we were there for a while ( 100% sure this would have NEVER happened if we were both sober). Then he went with N for a maccas run and I went with my instincts and didn't go when they asked me (yes I learned from S's but a small part of me does wish I went with them) so I was left on the couch with a pillow for my head instead of A's chest until i spent 20 minutes on P's legs seeping til he pushed me off onto the floor -.-
Out of the party hype and our own stupid drunken state N and I (and then S because she had no way of getting home) texted J and said he didn't need to come pick us up because N's brother was doing it. However, in reality we were just staying over at B's. Yeah it seemed like a good idea at the time but when I woke up this morning i regretted it so much. Not only would we have been sleeping on a bed at S's (the original plan) but I suddenly felt really unsafe, dirty and so so so guilty for doing something my parents in 100000000 years would never allow me to do.I had already worn a slutty outfit, drank, spent ages lying on a couch with a boy, lied about how I was getting to the party and then to top it off slept over there to. From the moment I woke up I wanted to leave. But seeing as I woke up at 6am I knew I had to wait so I sat there for an hour and at 7 got S up and then N and P and discussed how we were getting home and the stories we were going to tell our parents.
P hated me for waking him up so early but tbh he owed me that much for kicking me off the couch and then not even using it and we left B's at around 8 saying bye to his parents (who are actually the cutest human beings alive) and got pick up by N's mum at dandy station at around 10. Everyone's stories worked out fine - I didn't even have to use one, neither parent asked me anything about yesterday and now I'm getting ready to go to the city again to have dinner with J and his friends.
I don't really know what to say to A. I mean if he asked to go out I would definitely say yes but I don't think a sober A would. But what if we both do med? Yes it would be perfect but although I was subconciously confident, that confidence is wavering now that I know he also is probably higher up in the rank compared to me. I dunno, I guess i'll just have to see how things play out.
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