today.

• got selected as a finalist for alliance..YAY
• got a detention afterschool next tuesday -.-
• cut a birthday cake for gargs at recess
• spent french talking about random crap, and madame's boobs :P
• went to priceline with G afterschool and bought foundation, but now realise I need matching powder too -.-
• booked a hair appointed for next friday $25
• got a free cupcake
• didn't succumb to buying food to Springvale
• made brownies for tomorrow
• called J
• procastinating like fuck
• have approx $165, but -$10 for ed sheeran (J is paying the right amount and I don't have the heart to ask for more), -$12 for powder and -$8 for an eyelash curler = $135....tbh, that isn't too bad :)

PHOTO TIME!!

today.

• now considering just buying my own make up and getting my hair done instead, I went to Revlon and had the lady put some make up on me, but it looked pretty shit, so know I'm considering getting my hair curled for $25 at springy, buying foundation at priceline for about $20 and then getting P or S to do my eye make up at pre's....just need to make sure I get the right color foundation!!!!
• spent an hour talking to K in the mc garden...not awkward one bit, but he totes didn't give me money for tickets -.-
• told ms S about considering dropping spesh, she didn't try talking me out of it which was nice but she didn't encourage me either...she just wanted to know
• breadilicious > breadtop
• Appachchi left home without telling me, so currently home alone
• IM PROCRASTINATING!!!

35. getting a really hard question right

thoughts

• MAN IT WILL BE FREAKN AWKWARD JUST DON'T COME!!!
• I want afters, to be a proper yolo night, I mean come on...we're 17!
• I'm so tired all the time, like I went to bed at 9 yesterday.....9!!!
• N still hasn't talked to me
• had this massive discussion about K and her parents and stuff at lunch today. No matter what anyone says, I know she tries, but sometimes there is just a point where trying isn't going to do anything and you just have to take it upon yourself to feel uncomfortable for a bit, and just lie for a change. We're teenagers, these are the best years of a lives, we can't spend it feeling guilty for things we haven't even done.
• meeting K tomorrow afterschool, hopefully not awkward
• I missed freshly cooked meals :/

34. size 6

33. close relationships

to the chick with the same formal dress as me...

it's on.

stalking year 12 formal photos like crazyyyyyy

awwwww N and stuff got me flowers to make up for missing my house drama rehearsals :D so bloody cute

FORMAL SHOES ARE DONE :D

32. lazy days off

• took the day off because I was tired after house drama and because I had no idea what I was going for my maths task
• made appachchi call the school absence line so I don't have to face Ms Chandler tomorrow, i think he inadvertently left like 3 messages
• watched pretty little liars and suits
• worked out pretty much every answer for my maths task and typed them into my calculator
• had chapathi for lunch nomomomomom 
• went to the doctors to get antibiotics for my throat phlegm crap, got my weight checked...DIDN'T GAIN FROM ALL THE SHIT I ATE YESTERDAY YES YES YES YES, one of the most satisfying feelings isn't losing weight...it's eating shitloads but not gaining :D haha nevertheless I'm detoxing and trying to eat healthy for a couple days
• N called at lunch and I told everyone about how amazing last night was
• Finished my englang essay FINALLY!!
• talked to ammi on the phone for like 2 minutes, was kinda nice

31. OREEEEEEAAADSSSSSS

HOUSE DRAMA!!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH FREAKN FUN!!!
the whole performance went absolutely perfectly and we may have only come 3rd but I still had an absolutely amazing night anyway (we bet nerieds so all good). We had a rave party and I danced and danced and danced so hard I GOT TOE CRAMPS!! and I ate wayyyyy to much shit, now I feel nauseus and yuck but omg it was just so much fun
I've met so many new people...like bec, jazzy, sarah....speaking terms with amandi OMG I JUST HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME. Good job on nat and alice for Dryads win, but seriously this is one of the best nights i've had since central.

oh and I got my statement of mark HOW THE FUCK DID I GET 4 MULTIPLE CHOICE WRONG?!?!?!?!?! but I only got 2 marks off short answer :D so yeah, 69/75.....maybe not a 50 in bio, but i think i can afford to make my aim study score at least 43 now :D

I'm actually hating life atm.

today has been a shit shit day.

what am I even doing.

34. computers

• still not feeling 100% better despite being sick for 5 days
• screwed up my one stupid line in house drama for the preview we did at assembly today
• have house drama rehearsal afterschool so I can't catch up with P
• got a detention for going home last friday without telling anyone. Ms Chandler told me off big time and said she would call my parents, I called appachchi beforehand to get him ready but she never called..... got a huge lecture from him about how what I did was wrong and that I should have know better...I dont really care, but I just can't get over the annoying expression Ms Chandler made when she found out I left school...I really don't like her
• N gave N a huge bear hug but didn't even look at me once
• had the worst stomach ache I have ever had, followed by equally unpleasant bowel movements (tmi?)
• writing my englang essay and need one and a bit more paragraphs but have nooo idea what to write.
• having to make subject selections by wednesday but still have no idea whether to drop spesh or not, and what they want uni course selections too?
• the house is eerily quiet without ammi....almost kinda empty
• today would have been a very shit day if it weren't for the fact i got 97% on my first unit 4 bio sac

well done Malsh.

awful awful photo.

but it's still a photo.

ugh spinning a web full of lies.
lying to M
lying to K
lying to C
lies, lies, lies
and I don't even know why. I just don't want any of it.
it makes me feel so bad though. so so bad :/

33. Chocolate

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"

sick days kinda suck :/

32. Medicine

stalkerish?

I love reading other peoples blogs. It's actually quite sad that I check N's blog pretty much everyday and read about people who I've never talked too before, lives. People are just so much more honest and you really get to see what's going on inside there head. It kinda makes me want to follow N aswell, just so someone can appreciate my ramblings, but I am much much to self conscious for that.

Had my bio sac today which I think went really well, but now I'm home I have only done french homework because a) I'm lazy and b) I think i'm coming down with something and I feel like shit. I just want school to be over so bad. I'm sick and tired of it and more than anything I just want to go to uni and be free and have independence and just be able to explore. To have my secret little cafe, to indulge in small shopping sprees, to fall asleep watching movies and reading books. I;m over high school and I cringe at the thought of a whole nother' intense year ahead of me.
just let it be over already.

31.warm food on cold days

• solid 3 and a half hours study, quite proud
• spesh teacher said no one in our class failed the spesh test, which made me amazingly happy, but then I found out the pass mark was 35%
• P is coming to the city on thursday...I'M NOT READY TO SEE HIM SO SOON, at least give me a week, I mean come on!! he also talked to me heaps yesterday bt very little today...I really hate mixed signals.
• finding myself getting a lot closer to A
• found out we have a chem assessment tomorrow, today. Sorry Ms H, but you were asking for the shit mark I'm going to get tomorrow...
• bio sac tomorrow, which I feel readyish for but definitely am not going in overly confident

30. scones with tea

getting my spesh test back tomorrow, ugh I'll be able to see exactly how shit I did :|
and maybe chem, which I hope I managed to at least scrap an A in.
This term so far has not been a good one in terms of results.
shit.

29. Forgive the corniness, but his smile.

thoughts.

• thoughts of P made me giddy all day. Subtle flirting over facebook and an overactive imagination is giving me stupid hope
• stuck in a bit of a conundrum with subjects. If I decide to drop spesh and pick up further I need to get a raw score of 48 to get a 98 atar. I;m good at math, but am I that good? I know I will probably enjoy further alot more than spesh, but apparently spesh in year 12 helps heaps with methods, so if I drop spesh will I compromise my score in methods?? But I have no idea if i'll be able to get a 35 in spesh, whether i'll be able to deal with the emotional stress or whether i'll be able to devote enough time to learn the stupid subject with all its stupid physics. lwefuhvlsjdkfvlkvs so torn.
• gaining confidence with talking with N and M. Not afraid to express an opinion as much, and am able to joke around with them too.
• suits is freakn awesome
• I think i'm starting to lose my uncontrollable sweet tooth..or rather take control of my sweet tooth. Yesterday at the party, I said no to cake, and ate no dessert (despite eating hardly any dinner, or snacks) and today although I ate ice cream after lunch and a scone with some tea, I didn't have anything sweet after dinner...quite an achievement I say.
• I like him so much,so so so much.

lol my fingers look weird, but pretty nails :D

its late and im tired

but I have to get this out. Just came back from Kush's 21st, and my what a times. It was great and so so so awkward at the same time. Did our stupid dance, and sat around for the first 2 hours making small chit chat then tried to get the dancing started (cue the awkward) but my spent like 20 minutes talking to P :D I went to talk to his friend instead, and took his chair by accident (lol no purpose)  so we ended up sharing the chair I was sitting on. We talked for ages and his dad kept trying to take photos of us and then handed the camera to K who took more photos, while P kept trying to put P's arm around me for the photo (he didn't though :/). You think it would be awkward having all his friends AND BROTHER kind of hinting at us  but it wasn't!! We took it lightly and the memory makes me smile everytime.....but the smile is quickly wiped of and replaced by a grimace by what happened next. I got up to go to V and............I tripped. I fucking tripped coz my foot got caught in someones jacket and I tripped. I also swore quite loudly in the face of some uncle who probably thinks I'm a trashy teenage girl now, but fuck, everything would have been perfect if I didn't bloody trip. fuck. Afterwards though I talked to Y's brother for the first time and we did get on relatively well...he got me jello shots (YOLO) and is kinda cute too :P But nah, P came on to the dance floor with the rest of us and wow he dances weird....like REALLY weird, but it was adorable and at least he danced!!! And K kept trying to push him next to me when we were dancing, again the situation should have been awkward, with all his friends AND BROTHER again just laughing in the background, but it wasn't!!!! hahah I tried my best sexy PG rated dancing (appachchi was sitting in the table right in front -.-) and I'm just hoping I caught his eye more than a few times.... I did catch him looking a time or two :P
Only kind of regret I have from tonight is not hugging him goodbye. I was talking to him right before I left (can i just add K tried pushing him into me AGAIN) and all we did was an awkward wave goodbye, and I swear I would have hugged him if appachchi wasn't there...even if he was a couple of metres away, but no. He was standing right.in.front.of.us. ughhh A genuine hug would have made this night extraordinary, it really would have. I just can't get over him. And I know after today if I told him how I feel there is a good chance he would feel the same, but I just don't know how it would work!! we would never get to see each other, our mutual friends consist of P who is never going to help the situation except make it awkward, so other parties are out of the question...it really makes me sad that I have no idea when the next time I will see him, what if its month again?? If we were able to catch up just a couple more times in the next few weeks I know things would start "rolling" for lack of a better word. I know that if we just got to know each other more, something could definitely happen. Ughhh I know it, but there is nothing I can do. I like him so so so much. I don't know why but I do, and I wish more than anything it could work, but I know that it can't. love freakn sucks.

28. deep hugs.

just came back from 2 and a half hours of dance rehearsal for a surprise performance we're doing at kush's 21st tomorrow. It only took so long because Udumbara aunty's chosen song was about disney princess's -.- so we had to find and change the song and make up a whole new dance. What we have now isn't too bad, but it's only very basic and pretty repetitive...I don't want P to see me dance such  stupid routine!!!
I also think I legit failed my spesh test today...despite waking up at 5 this morning just so I can fit in some extra study, I still managed to not completely answer half the short answer questions and guess like 4 multiple choice....did i mention it was only out of 26?? again, I legit think i failed this test.
Had my Alliance Francais competition today, although im relatively sure I will most definitely not become a finalist it was a great experience just to see what a general convo would be like..the lady was actually so lovely!
i've got to stop eating.

27.ED SHEERAN TICKET'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

26. seeing friend's who have had it tough, happy for once.

completely fucked up my chem test today, have no idea what the hell I'm doing for my spesh test, barely can utter some responses in french for my alliance francais oral and french pronoun test too???
shit shit shit shit

25. Ed sheeran

3 things

1. yes to ed sheeran concert - now just need to get tickets
2. A+ on bio, hard work paid off
3.K is paying for his own ticket :D

24. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU

23. rainbows where you can see the start and end

50 shades of awkward

Udumbara aunty called me up to tell me not to lend M my dance skirt if she asks. She said something about not minding if if was girls from dancing performing outside, but she doesn't want randoms wearing our costumes and other stuff. I would have been fine giving M my dance costume, but I definitely don't want to get on their bad side so I just shut my mouth and agreed.
But fuck it was awkward with M. She was so damn persistent and I had to blurt out lie after lie, I felt so uncomfortable and ended up telling her it was udumbara aunty who had a problem with everything and hung up. I felt really bad, because she was really pressed for time, and we had so many awkward silences on the phone after I told her, just like ugh
not a good feeling.

oh and I think I might open my results at home tomorrow or in the car....just not in front of my school friends, I don't want them to see me cry or have to hide my happiness for protection of someone elses feelings. I'm so scared.

I think I'm legit friends with N and M now. I sat next to N at tutor today and we talked quite a bit, and I noticed M is quite touchy feely, he kept poking me saying I was so skinny (not that I'm complaining) and even touched my lips when he was talking about giving K gobs. But still, it's great knowing I'm on their good side :)
Oh I'm so damn nervous for tomorrow, bio results come out and I just want an A+ so so so so so badly. I worked so hard and more than anything I just want to make Dr.Perera proud. I don't want to boast, or wave around my intelligence, I just want to be able to send my dedicated tutor a text saying "it's an A+ Dr.Perera, thank you so so much" I want to show him that all his hard work has paid off, and that I am eternally grateful. Please God, whichever one you are, please, do this for me...I'm not asking for a miracle, I just want my semester's effort shown, and to know that I can achieve my goals if I really try. Please.

22.making someone smile

formal nails and my first attempt at curling my hair
ew, glasses

I know I shouldn't

but I need to know I can still do it. I need to know that I have the power to take control again.

21. The quiet makeshift garden at mc

House drama rehearsal was cancelled (oh I have now become gangster 2, so have two lines :P) , and trenchy was away, so effectively I only had to two periods of class today (I was all rebdog and wagged spesh). Went to the body shop and asked about make up for formal, and I found my perfect colour of foundation (EVM liquid 405) BUT ITS $45 FREAKN DOLLARS!! That's more than the bloody make over :/

20. rice cakes nom nom nom nom :D

A thankyou can go a long way.

spent an entire englang period talking to the french exchange girl, I think we really bonded :D
today was relatively uneventful, had the maths competition in the morning - i think this is the year were I will finally break my distinction record...it was so hard and I just really couldn't be fucked trying. Oh and I got my methods test back, which was an A, so I'm not disappointed but I again have broken my A+ record for my methods tests :/
I have so much french to do it's ridiculous, alors, a tout a l'heure!

19. lovable Asian friends that make your day that much better, creds to chloe <3

not again

How can I feel this way about him again. It has been two years, and I'm still not over him, he still gives me butterflies, the thought of him still makes me smile. JUST TELL ME IF YOU LIKE ME DAMMIT!!! ugh I just hate not knowing were we are, does he or doesn't he like me?? It has been so long, and I feel I finally have got the courage or just can't be fucked not knowing anymore  to ask him, but what about our friendship. I can handle the no. I can handle him telling me he just wants to be friends, but I know that won't be the case. Well talk normally for a while, then he will start acting differently in case he feels like he is leading me on, and because he has to act differently and can't be his normal self in fear, he will start getting tired of acting then eventually stop replying to my messages. Then the next time we meet, we'll exchange a smile and have an awkward conversation and rush in opposite directions as soon as we can, and cringe later on about the whole situation.  I don't want to risk it.

todaayyyyy

• wasn't planning on catching the train with P this morning, because of the pure lack of info he decided to give me last night, but then he decided he text me this morning and say he would wait for whatever train I was on (even though I was the one taking the later train), so this resulted in me feeling bad and slightly special, and waiting for half an hour in the freezing cold at Springvale. I bought a escargot and FINALLY a choc croissant from that french/Asian bakery (calories, calories, calories) and read a bit off 50 shades before I got on a very packed train with N, P and P. P kept making comment about me and P but surprisingly neither of us made it awkward so it was alright. But seriously...fuck he is cute.
• M told me that N is angry at me, which I released because when I got on the normal train this morning to get off at springy A gave him a shifty look when I got on, and he totally greased me off....wtf did I do???
• I think I'm going to have to attempt to do my own hair for formal, but maybe get my make up done at myer
• had an awesome chem class with C were all we did was camwhore and talk, I love that girl <3
• had the alliance francais comp afterschool til' four. fuck it was hard  
• registered for umat...UNSW HERE I COME!