now for the feelings and shit.

wtf more can i do. Yesterday i made myself look as pretty as I could (and as stuck up as it sounds I think I did a good job) and i talked and socialised really well with all his friends. Yet he barely paid attention to me all night. Yes i know he was the host of the party, and by no means did i expect the same "one on one" treatment i got for formal, but i expected  needed some sort of sign from him to show me whether he was interested or not. Yes a hook up with his parents in the room wouldn't exactly have been appropriate but even if it was a squeeze of the hand, or an arm around the waist for a random hug it would have been enough.
I just dont understand. He's told P that what happens depends on whether i go interstate or not which means he has obviously thought about the future - something i never imagined he would do, but then he doesn't show me anything to tell me he is still interested. i mean for fucks sake, people were asking if i was his girlfriend and apparently S told J that if i wanted to, I could have hooked up with M,L and even K if i wanted to, so obviously I was doing something right. Seriously, if his friends can show interest WHY THE SHIT CAN'T HE?? And although i dont really believe the whole K thing, I just assumed L was somewhat interested because he was drunk, but holy shit he just inboxed me like 30 minutes ago but im too scared to reply because
a) he is trying to get in with me, which i obvs dont want to do thus risks fucking up whatever friendship we formed from our past two encounters which normally i wouldnt care about but he is P's bestfriend
b) trying to wingman P but seems to be very unlikely because of how P has been acting, thus making option a) more likely and well fuck.

im just sick of being the one who always has to bring it up. We both said after exams, and its now after exams. I guess it's my fault for wrongly assuming that his party (aka the first time we've met since formal) would provide me with some clarity with how things are supposed to get started. I know I need to talk to him straight. Ask him would he have cared if I had hooked up with M? Does he care L is trying to get in? (both these facts i find incredibly weird because i hardly find myself attractive and let alone to asian's and white people o.O) Ask him why he hasnt made a move yet and if it is because or uni, why not tell me?

But i'm scared. I know that if the answer isnt one I want to hear, that P well and truly doesnt give a shit if we get together or not, that the only chance i have of getting over him is by stopping all contact and as slutty as it sounds hooking up with as many boys as i can till i find one that i can hopefully learn to like as much as P.

why does he do this to me.

wpoirgjporigtjperiotj[oejkkjklmgvt

fuck me. Okay blow by blow account of yesterday and then thoughts and feelings afterwards.

• J came and picked me up at around 4ish and took my to N's
• waxed my back so it was silky smooth and N told me that P told her, that P was waiting to see if I was going uni interstate before he tried anything?? :S
• watched the video J made me for my birthday (I think it's her present too? :S) whilst eating timtams and dnming
• got ready for P's and I was actually really really calm, took selfies and tried getting tipsy on beer that tasted like ass
• on the way to P's was having fucking internal panic attacks and any calm feelings I had pretty much evaporated
• got to P's and he was already drunk. His parents were there and were super cute and unbelievably cool with all the alcohol around
• L was so so so friendly and talked to me straight away, P apparently kept looking at me but hardly spoke to me
• it was freezing outside so L gave me his jacket which i woe for a good hour before i realised how slutty i looked and gave it back
• P got more drunk
• met heaps of lovely new people and got hit on by M like 5-6 times
• talked with L heaps and this cool as year 11, N outside with A and P. P was off his face and talking about some journey and crap but he bought me pizza?
• L kept lifting me up :S
• kept trying to talk to P but his attention span was ridiculous and when we did manage to get a good 10 minute conversation it was about him and M's drunk antics which includes him pissing in a sink 
• danced to black music with a tipsy J
• watched P's parents dance which was sososososo cute
• left P'a at like 12.30 after an intense avril lavigne singing sesh with S, being hit on again by M and a tickle/poke fight with L
• went home back to N's having had an amazing night but being so so so disappointed by the lack of closure i recieved
• dnmed about how shit P is until about 3am
• went to bed and woke at like 7 thinking only about P and how frustrating he was
• ammi and appachchi picked me up at 10.30 and started asking all these questions about the party i went to... felt so bad for lying :/
• went dfo and did some serious shopping
• and alas i am here.

wantsss

Today was good :)

Today I had a shopping date with J to exchange the mimco shoes mum so ungraciously refused to accept and more importantly to get the rest of P's birthday present. I was a complete mess when it came to finding his present, as J managed to convince me out of buying the toilet golf set (lol yes really) saying even though it was funny it was pretty pointless. So, we went of to DFO hardcore dnming about love, marriage, brazilians and the year which was.
Long story short, after a couple hiccups I ended up getting him this cool nano lego block set in which made a crab, a quicksilver wallet and the huge as clock from typo. I just pray to god that he likes it :/
i also got my perfect pair of black heels, $300 down to $40 :)

these weren't the exact ones I bought but they were similar. mine have a skinnier heel abd two buckled straps around the ankle

This is what I got, except it was a crab!

things.

1. trying to be a decent person and help somewhat with yearbook, but even the little i offered to do is making me anxious.
2. P!!!!!!!!! i dont remember ever feeling this distant from him which worries me because what happens on friday will either make or break us.
3. went volunteering for the first time today, it was so lovely and so said at the same time
4. trying to eat healthy and change fat to muscle
5. shopping with J tomorrow to exchange mimco shoes and buy the rest of P's present..... i hope he likes it :/
6. boredom is slowly sinking in
7. i just want to kiss him again.

IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE

elle etait amiable comme un porte de prison
la plus mauvaise semaine que j'aie jamais connue
je savais que... mais je ne pouvais jamais imaginer a qeul point
il va sans dire que
tout le monde s'accord a dire que
en outre
on constate avec inquietude que
etant donne
il faut egalment souligner que
pour courroner le tout
ayant pese le pour et le contre
on a tendance a croire que
d'ici peu
cela peut paraitre idiot mais
exercer une influence sur
en revance
cependant
par contre
tandis que
de nos jours
pour que
bref en un mot
mon petit doigt m'a dit que
se lever du pied gauche
aux anges
tourner autour du pot
pleuvoir de cordes
faire la grasse matinee
pour un bouche de pain
toujours dans la lune
quand les poules auront des dents
basse sur
en faveur de
en tant que
neanmoins

je le deteste, je le deteste, je le deteste.

demain sera mon dernier examen de vce. je me sens prete, mais ca sert rien. je me suis sentie prete pour les maths et voila, il s'est passe vraiment bien n'est-ce pas? je voudrais faire bien, certes je n'ai pas fait beaucoup de revision ce weekend, mais j'espere qu'il se passera sans trop de difficulte. j'ai besoin de finir dans une maniere positif, surtout parce que pendant cette period j'etias vraitment mal a l'aise.
je ne sais pourquoi mais je me suis sentie isolee. tout les personne qui j'aime...J,N,P, M... c'est comme nous avons eloigne. toute la journee j'ai le carfard, qui est bizaare parce que je serai libre demain, quelquechose que je voulais depuis le debut de l'annee.
j'ai peur que le reste de mes vacances passeront comme ca. j'ai aucune idee quoi fair avec P, avec mes etudes et avec mes rapports avec mes amis. Je suis dans un etat perpetual de soucie et tristesse.

il faut egalement souligner - it should be stressed that
tout le monde s'accord a dire que - everyone agrees that
pour coronner le tout - to cap everything
cela peut paraitre idiot mais - it may seem silly that
ayant pese le pour et le contre - having weighed the pros and cons
on a tendance a croire que - we have a tendancy to believe
exercer une influence sur - to have an influence on
on constate avec inquietude que - its a worring fact
il va sans dire que - it goes without saying
imaginez un peu - just imagine
ried d'etonnant que - it isnt surprising that
en outre - moreover
d'ici peu - in the near future
etant donne - given

I am so frustrated, angry and sad and just all these bad feeling that I just want to disappear.

I feel so lonely and awful and just ugh.

I really dont think i can do yearbook. even after exams, when the pressure is over, i dont think i can. The pressure is too much and i just dont think i can handle it all. ugh i have no idea what to do :/

i have french writers block im not even kidding.

3. The truth about love is that someone can love you very much and still be careless or hurtful. Love is not a charm that protects you. Love is not magic. Love is not inherently good.

I don't know why the feeling is so intense now, but I just want to be with him so bad.

Like just with him.

im just so ready for this to be over

just so done. like so so so so done. I have no idea how im going to keep going til next tuesday. I just need to stop, like not want, NEED. It
s like a burning sensation in the bottom of my stomach, and I just can't stop thinking about it. I still have englang tomorrow, which i was feeling alright about until about 2 hours ago... Now i'm fucking shitting myself. I haven't been nervous for any of my exams, but now the thought of englang terrifies me. I just have practiced so much, but i know none of that will matter if tomorrow, the right essay topics doesn't come up, the wrong short answer do come up or if time decides to double its speed and I don't end up finishing.
there are just so many variables that can stop from doing my best and doing justice to my englang abilities. I feel like im going to explode with all this emotion, i really do. its like almost unbearable.

exams are not going as planned. they really arent. I just real they are not at all reflective of my capability and its just so unfair. I am smart, I am. I work hard, but those assessors who read and mark my exams wont know that. All they'll see is a bunch of blanks and wrong answers.


I just want it to be over already :/

so he hasnt spoken to me in two days. Officially the longest we've gone without talking since I don't even know when.... It's funny... I thought we had been getting closer these past 2 weeks. I had started seeing his more...."in tune with his emotions" side. I dont even know, he is just too much sometimes.

so methods did not go as planned.
It was a lot harder than it was supposed to be, and even though everyone found it hard, i don't think I did well in general. I've had a pity party for myself and I've barely studied today so i need to get my shit together and take tomorrow head on.

fingers crossed ey? (yn)

And so it begins.

Tomorrow is methods. I'm scared but I'm not scared.
I know my shit, I know i do... methods is my jam, it's been my favorite subject, and I just need to get into that zen mode tomorrow and i'll be fine. I say zen mode, but it really is just this positive vibe.. where things just make sense and it's like calming at the same time. If i could do that I will be forever thankful.
Please Lord, God, Buddha, Allah and Ganesh I just need tomorrow to go well. To start the period of well. To do well and not blow my chance of the interview at UNSW. To make all the puja's and prayers and hours my parents have dedicated to me and my performance not go to waste.

I take this promise. If I do well, I mean well enough to get the same pride I got from my parents after bio, I promise to give back. I promise to do the volunteering, the caring and all I can to be a good person and a community member that serves others. I swear that whatever good fortune comes to me, I promise to use it to help others. This is a promise, a vow almost. Please, I mean every word.

ugh im not doing well on practise exams.
well not well enough. I need over 40's and A's are just not good enough.
stupid stupid stupid mistakes all te fucking time and thinking i have the wrong answer but then second guessing myself and not changing it with a different answer i've gotten then getting it wrong.
God. please please please. I think I can do decent if i just make no sill mistakes whatsoever on the papers this year. yeah sure there will be a couple i wont know, but please dont let me screw up on question i know i can do. i just want to do well and i just want me hard work to pay off.

please please please :'(

10 Reasons Being Intelligent Is Difficult

 8. You’ll always feel like you’re supposed to do great things and feel worthless when you don’t. Intelligent people can be successful people but not always; maybe not even often. Sometimes they just don’t have the motivation. Many times, the pressure is just too much to bear and you’d just rather lie in bed all day and think about things – imaginative, cryptic things.

oh wow so this is working again

fuck the inconsistency of this website shits me.

but update:
OFFICIALLY A LEGAL ADULT NOW!!
hah so yesterday was my birthday, and considering how it is smack bang in the middle of exam period, i wasn't expecting much so it was slightly better then i expected :)
- messages at midnight from, S,N,K and P :) (P's message was the cutest thing in the world, so awkward, but so so cute)
- $300 from appachchi and $100 from J and a box of macaroons, yeah I asked for the macaroons, but whatevs
 - got about 10 messages during chem tutor, and am actually improving on unit 4
- called me which was really sweet and unexpected and we talked for ages till he found out i wasn't on 3 and hung up :P
- G left cupcakes at my door :')
- phone calls from aunty D and S
- got me notes bound and exam stationary
- temple
- talked to J after AGESSSS, so much catching up