finally have my laptop back.

for 40 minutes, but still.
So today i was supposed to go to the city with J and S, so I could do a little shopping, visit a brunetti's, the waffle place or the crepe place and i guess more importantly meet up with A but they ended up waking up at 12, meaning by the time they actually left for the city it was 1, meaning they would not have gotten home in time for me to go tutor. So no city for Malshi. I was pretty angry at first just because i was so bored, but the boredom led to something productive and useful: cutting up old clothes and making summer outfits! hahah i actually made a very cute pair of highwaisted shorts, and completely mutilated one of J old shirts, to a half decent cropped top (i kinda screwed up the side, but not bad for a first attempt!). I've decided to do something productive each day of the holidays...whether it be cook/bake something different, make something, go out or work out, I don't want these holidays to go to waste!!! which also means I need to start work again soon. I will also watch something french related and knowledgeable everyday. Today was a crash course in the french revolution, which I pretty much have already forgotten (but has sparked interest in Marie Antoinette) and a documentary about Auschwitz.
In other news P is having a birthday party today. He said he would have asked my too come but thought it would have been awkward because I would only know like 3 people there, which is true..but still, I kinda feel shit about it. I seriously need to face the fact that nothing will ever happen between us. There have been so many opportunities yet we are both still floating around each other. Seriously why can't I just feel like this, with any of the guys who have outright told me they are interested in me. I mean A is all for it, yet I still can't make out my feelings :/ ugh stupid adolescent first world problems :/

the awkward moment when P asks me how long my longest crush has ever gone for.
"umm well for about two years maybe?" AND IT WAS/IS YOU!

life's a happy song.

Blow-by-blow account of what has been a near perfect day.
Speech night today, so met G and N at flinder's where we walked in the absolutely pissing rain to the town hall, my shoes were drenched and weather was disgustingly humid, the morale for the day started pretty freakn low. But yeah, once we got inside, I managed to be able to have an hour long dnm with M about her problems with N, which led to hating of all things melbourne high, which then led to the hating of the fact that good looks pretty much controls everything in society which is bloody shit for all of us who have to try so hard. Finally dismissed at 12.30 we ran and got movie tickets, and stressed (and like I mean stressed) about how much time we would have at dfo, because not only were we let out late, THERE ARE NO BLOODY CITY LOOPS BEFORE 2 AT MC! so we ended up taking a train to flinders, another train down to southern cross and then walking to dfo, but coz we were fast we still had about 2 hours for an intense retail therpay session.
and man was it good.
black top for $2, sandles $2 (slightly too small, but fuq dat they were cheap), grey nailpolish, mauve nailpolish and bronze nailpolish (all $1 each), revlon eyeshadow palette $2, AND a body con dress $10.
The dress is something I never thought i'd buy today, something so tight fitting and body hugging...that extenuates my big hips and ass, but I tried it on just for fun, and N,G,P and K probably wouldn't have let me leave dotti without buying it. They kept saying it made me look tiny, but every time I looked in the mirror I just didn't see it. I guess I bought it, because now I kinda understand how disproportionate my view of my body used to be and sometimes still is  so maybe I do, look nice in those type of dresses?? awiroutherjk I don't know, but either way I am ecstatic with everything else I got.
Finished shopping early, so caught the tram down to mc to get food (yeah one thing today I am NOT happy about is how unhealthy I was, the garlic and cheese pizza must have been at least 500 calories, and along with all the other crap i ate :/ #eatcleaneatcleaneatclean). On the tram though P confided in my all her problems with N,M and R which she has told no one else, which I felt really well for lack of a better word honoured by? Just because of the fact of how rocky our friendship was at the start of the year and yeah feels good to know its getting back to a better place :) yeah got off the tram, then went into the cinema and watched Breaking Dawn, LOL so the movie was complete rubbish until the last 20 minutes were they did this whole mindfuck vision thing, but still I'm glad I watched it, just one of those movies you have to see AND it was the last one, so why not? Got changed into uniform in the movie toilets, only to realise K forgot her shirt.So we spent 10 minutes walking round mc trying to find a shop still open, that sold white shirts. As we were doing this, I kinda planted the idea (jokingly) that we should all just go home, and we just legit stopped at the top of the escalator and looked at each other considering whether to do it or not. We were so indecisive that we got K her shirt, walked til we were bout 10 meters from the hall, then decided we would just wag. We were scared we might get caught being in school uniform, so we went to a random dodgey alleyway, stripped down and changed back into casual then went to schnitz so K could get chips then to flinders where we took the glenny line to G's house. I was so surprised my parents didn't care, (lol well i guess fair enough, driving and hour to pick my up at like 10.30 vs. 15 minutes to G's house at 9) and had a great train ride thanks to the man with the gorgeous hazel eyes and long lashes that sat across from me (we were still giggling like 5 year olds after G's dad picked us up- omg were so lame). Once we got to G's house, everyone tried on what they bought and the four of us decided to have our own speech night medley were we sang all the songs and the top of our voices and omg it was just so great, we were laughing and having so so so so so much fun.
now I'm home, showered and all snapchatted out. it has actually been a wonderful day. aside from unwanted calories and drenched shoes

indecision

ugh this morning after a long telephone conversation with M and me going round and round in circles in my own head I had finally decided what to do with my whole A situation. I've practiced what im going to say over and over again, but then after a few flirtatious texts, and dozens of pictures of cute couples of tumblr, I don't know what to do anymore. Of course i would like to give it a go. I mean I like him, he likes me and we just want to see what happens. But what if something does happen? what if I really really start to like him and I can't concentrate on work anymore, that i start lying to my parents to see him, waste time to go out on dates when I should be concentrating on the most important year of my schooling life so far. So cliche, but my heart (lolhormones?) say one thing, but my head says another. I'm just hoping when i see him tomorrow, i'll know what to do :/
I also happened to tell P about it :/ he outright asked me if i "got in" which i know he meant as a joke, but how could i lie? his next reply was a bit weird, but know were talking normally again and actually talking pretty deep.
oeurlfkvdlfkvmf i just dont know. I want to go with A but I don't, I want it to be P instead but he doesn't have A's confidence, I know a boyfriend this year would distract me at the start like crazy and make me feel guilty every time I lied...is it worth risking it all for A??
w;erighwtkjgn hfjfkfdkj

So whoever said that as you grow older you grow wiser lied

So yesterday was S birthday party, and I only decided that morning to go.
I was totally freaking out about going and not knowing anyone, but I plucked up the courage at went anyway
went at 7.30 hoping to be fashionably late, but only like 6 people were there, which hence led my to a bit of mingling with randoms.
R came, and he also didn't really know anyone so he sat next to me and we talked
then A came.
and well th party was a complete bust, of the 100ish people who were supossed to come, only about 60 did
and it was just slightly awkward
I felt so sorry for S, she looked so upset
but yeah, to kill the time, we had to make our own fun
So I may or may not have tried smoking with A
and I also may or may not have hooked up with A........twice
omg Malshi, what even.

latest buys :D

what I came home too :D

Dry shampoo

make up brushes

the most eyeliner ever :D

really pigmented blush

the blue is awful, so sheer but the other is ok

sexy new tights ;)

meal plan for tomorrow

breakfast:
- 2 pieces of toast topped with ricotta, with sauteed mushrooms and onions, and half a tomato

or

- 2 weetbix, with almond milk, yogurt (mixture of forme and greek) and rice bubbles

lunch:

-1 and 1/2 dosa, with whatever curries available

or

- salad made with a boiled egg, two mushrooms, tomato and carrots

dinner:

-  whichever i didn't eat for lunch

dessert/snack:

- mugcake

- mango with yogurt

- muesli bar

- almond milk tea

clean eating take #2

todays highlights.

- A+ on englang exam
- $4 tights, 2 nailpolishes and a REALLY pigmented blush from.... ugh Dimmey's
- dandenong bakery FINALLY! Got an apple slice for $2.40
- MY STUFF FROM EBAY CAME!!!! The gel liner palette is just perfect!!! (photos tomorrow)
-laying in bed watching gossip girl knowing I don't have to school tomorrow :)

had an absolutely wonderful day :)

• took the train with A (hugged at the station ;P)
• methods exam: shit hard but YES last exam :D
• french assessment thingo
• went shopping on Bourke and bought a chiffon shirt/dress from cotton on for $10, the guy at the store was super friendly :)
• FINALLY WENT TO NAM LOONG!! the reason I couldn't find it the other day with C is because there are two restuarants with the same name!! They turned out to be a lot smaller than I thought, so I only bought one red bean bun, not to waste the visit. The bun was delicious though, so smooth and soft.
• went to mc and got appraoched by one of those sales ladys (she had an accent!) for some cleanser thing, which she actually convinced me to want, but not buy because it was $70 dollars :/
• helped K, get froyo and talked to her about my party problems :/
• met up with G,P and N at the tram stop and went to JOCKS! Its was absolutely stunning weather and we had 8 different flavours among the 5 of us (we couldn't finish it though :P) : hazelnut praline, hokey pokey, lime sorbet, rasberry sorbet, baked apple, chocolate, white choc and ameretti, and smoked almond. I think I have probably had over half the flavours of ice cream in that shop.
• walked down to the beach were we took selfies, walked on the pier and made more plans for the holidays
• caught the tram back to mc, were P and G bought LOTF (so I tasted it too!!) and we went to the garden and just sat and chilled
• caught the normal train home, watched gossip girl ate chapatti and gingerbread

now to start french oral practice :/

quiz i got off N

• 1. First thing you wash in the shower?
• my hair?
• 2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
• neither.
• 3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
• as pathetic as it is, yeah I probably would.
• 4. Do you plan outfits?
• yep, always the night before.
• 5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
• pretty indifferent, but I know there is a whole bunch of crap just bubbling under the surface.
• 6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
• 5 gum
• 7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?
• Probably scream and run away, then call my mum, then call the police
• 8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
• i don't even know, but I really wish I did remember my dreams
• 9. Three of your current feelings?
• guilt, indifferent, lazy
• 10. What are you craving right now?
• maccarooooonssss
• 11. Turn ons?
• cute smile, makes me laugh, ruffled hair, subtle tankess, sweaters and chinos, plays with little kids, bit of a prankster, just a fun guy
• 12. Turn offs?
• intense swearing (here's looking at you M), homophobia, rudeness, being a smartass, know it alls, stockyness
• 13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
• coleslaw 
• 14. When was the last time you cried? Why?
• yesterday when i felt like crap and yeah lets not go into detail
• 15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be?
• does hermione count?
• 16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?
• tbh I don't think i've lived enough to be hurt that much.
• 17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
• Lick it, my teeth can't handle the cold
• 18. Favorite movie ever?
• Not sure, I usually get sick of movies, but I guess you can't go wrong with the lord of the rings trilogy?
• 19. Do you like yourself?
• Its weird, i have this self confidence which makes me think I'm better than everyone else, but then I can't understand how anyone would find me attractive or a good person. Its like on the inside I guess I really don't.
• 20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
• nope :(
• 21. Could you handle being in the military?
• No way
• 22. What are you listening to right now?
• one direction - little things.......ed sheeran should have sung it
• 23. How many countries have you visited?
• only 3 :(
• 24. Are your parents strict?
• I'd say so, but I know there are a lot worse out there
• 25. Would you go sky diving?
• YES, coz if I die, i'll have someone to die with me (Y)
• 26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
• if he was paying (Y)
• 27. Whats on your mind right now?
• ed sheeran really could have done this song amazingly...oh but 1D are so cute :D
• 28. Is there anything you want to say to someone?
• DO YOU LIKE ME OR WHAT?!?!
• 29. Have you ever been in a castle?
• well apparantly it was a "castle" that we visited in paranella park in QLD, but it looked nothing like a castle...still pretty though?
• 30. Do you rent movies often?
• its called the internet.
• 31. Whats your zodiac sign?
• scorpio
• 32. When was the last time you had sex?
• does mind sex count???
• 33. Name five facts about yourself.
• I'm 5'4
• my favourite colours are blue and purple
• I avoid my problems
• contrary to many people, I like methods
• I'm completely talentless
• 34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?
• I told you I haven't lived
• 35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?
• I used to be a big believer in karma, like seriously a believer, but after year 10 (i.e hardest year of my life so far) I kinda just stopped believing. I think it was coz I didn't really understand why so many bad things were happening to me, when I didn't do anything wrong?
• 36. Brown or white eggs?
• free range.
• 37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
• what is hot topic
• 38. Ever been on a train?
• lol how'd you think I get to school?
• 39. Ever been in love?
• Not yet, but I think I had "pre-love" feelings, if that makes sense :S
• 40. Who do you admire and why?
• Jane Goodal, because she took her love and made it her life and changed the world along the way
• 41. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol?
• "yolo" night....ugh that is depressing, or that one time I was home alone and got tipsy on whiskey, haha that was fun :P
• 42. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol?
• yet to be experienced
• 43. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
• again yet to be experienced

So I have a french assessment and a methods exam tomorrow but I just can't study. So  I'm going to devote some quality time to my blog instead (yolo).
But saying this, I'm kinda doing  a half ass job because instead of writing about the things I should be writing about (the uneasy feeling I have within my stomach), I'm doing the typical Malshi coping mechanism by repressing everything that makes me feel uncomfortable and only dealing with them until I absolutely have too. Like legit, I'm not even letting myself think about it, even though I really should be.
Anyways, decided I want to chalk my hair just for the heck of it (I am actually loving my natural hair right at this moment, I can't stop looking at it in the mirror #lolvainmalshi)

like that, but on just a bit of my hair, so the parents don't notice. It's summer, think its time to expand my "hair horizons"

can't tell whether I look nice in this photo or not :S

belated birthday presents courtesy of V

ate it before i remembered to take a photos :D

comfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcaloriescomfortcalories

Having another "omg-my-life-is-so-pathetic-and-boring" night again.
ugh i would write more but I don't really want to wallow in more sadness
fuck me :(

life update.

was supposed to make a post yesterday but Javindu paid me 10 buck for my laptop, what of it?
ok latest developments.

• chem exam: was hard, but i think i did better than a lot of other people.... like I thought it was challenging but not as bad as what others made it out to be.... not as bad as spesh to say the least! hopefully I did ok (yn)
• got froyo with kuki after the exam (went slightly overboard and went over $5.00 :S) OMG SHE BOUGHT ME A MACAROON SHE IS JUST THE CUTEST!!!!!!!
• trains stopped at oakleigh so had to wait there for 20 minutes before appachchi could pick me up, ran into S, D and D and talked a bit and despite me not knowing them all that well it was good...NOW I REALLY WANT TO GO TO S's PARTY!!!! which may or may not also be due to the fact A is now also going so confused as to what to do....just hoping N will agree to being my +1 and that S will let me bring a +1
• about to do my stupid french assessment but going an hour early so i can go to the south yarra store so try find a dress in case i do go to the party
• not studying at all for my french or spesh exam....WHAT ARE YOU DOING MALSHI!
• am actually starting to get sick of all this online "window" shopping i've been doing. I've wasted so much time, I just want to buy something and get it already
• eating clean hasn't been going very well the past couple of days :/ 

yeah think thats it :D

56. being able to eat comfort food and not caring about the calories

I just want this week to be over. Stupid exams, stupid assignments, no concentration whatsoever............ I feel absolutely awful. Had spesh today - which I actually studied for, but of course being spesh I still did shit. Tomorrow's chem and I am just PRAYING it will go ok. Practise exam wasn't too good, but I did do it a bit dodgey, and I;m just counting on everyone else having not studied very much :S
ugh I just feel so so shit. even worse about the french exam which I have barely studied for (to busy on spesh: fat load of good that did :/) ersiughsljfvb,sf ok let spesh be my shitty subject...I don't even care anymore, but PLEASE let the others be okay..... please?

stoopid

I can't believe I forgot to check ebay for makeup brushes!!! they have whole sets for under $5, yes the quality will be questionable, but hey, its not like I know what I'm doing atm anyway.... I'm a beginner!!

I'm done with trying to buy make up online, its just to fucking hard. I have spent HOURS trying to do this and its not freakn working.

SCREW YOU DRUGSTORE.COM...get my hopes up and everything :/

I need to kick my sweet tooth, seriously it's getting out of control. After tomorrow (we still have crumpets!) I am going to really try. No more overly sweet breakfast. That means, no more yoghurt and weetbix everyday, trying toast and eggwhite omelet, toasted sandwiches, baked beans etc.
No desserts at home, so anything sweet will be clean or fruit....even muesli bars everyday will be phased out. And hopefully, i'll be able to eat whole eggs again!!!

this is the dodgiest thing I have ever written :S

why are my boobs so small but my ass+thighs so big, like seriously if i could shove some of the fat from my lower body to my boobs, I would actually love my body.

wants.

jam packed.

I know I really should have made this post yesterday but by the time I remembered I had already put my laptop away and it was 1.30 in the morning, so here is a blow-by-blow recount.

• woke up earlier than expected, and found a birthday text from J....was still tearing up in the morning about aunty linta
• got the train and many cute as texts: favourite by far will be the one from P, even remembering what it said now makes me smile, it was just so so so cute. But am beyond disappointed M didn't text or even wallpost me on facebook. EVEN M AND N DID!!!! some bestfriend he is :/
• Got to the lockers and N mad me a poster and got me a cupcake from 7/11 coz noone was at school to celebrate with me (made up for the fact she didn't hang out with me afterwards...kinda)
• BIO EXAM!!!! was harder than I would have liked...but for some reason I don't feel bad about it?? which isn't a good sign because i thought I did well in the chem comp but ended up getting a participation :/
• didn't stay and do my french assessment #lolfuckthat
• bought a chiffon navy blue collared chirt from the south yarra shop
• got FROYO!!! omg 3 types were burnt caramel, belgian chocolate (tasted like chocolate mouse soft serve!!) and organic coconut (my favourite) topped with nuts, coulis, muesli and a wafer.... and i managed to control myself too, the whole thing was under $5 :) 
• WENT HOME AND FOUND THIS GUY ON MY BED!!!

•  talked to J on the phone and thanked her for the amazing present
• A, Irani akki, Kanthi nanthi all called
• ate sugar for lunch
• watch V.diaries, revenge, modern family and talked to P :)
• went to temple and had this pooja thing
• went out to this amazinggggg Jap restaurant with J (made up for him not giving me a present) were things were a little more pricier than usual, but was so so so good!! I got a pork bento box and we even had wine :D it was actually just so lovely (lol J even said "for the lady: ) :P I ate so much because I didn't want to waste anything, that I'm still full now!
• the rest of the fambam went to uncle E and I stayed at home watching the amazing spiderman (omgomgogmogmogm andrew garfield <3) and spending ages deciding what I want from drugstore.com (so so so much makeup)
• got over 100 fb posts (self esteem still there) and even N texted too...also a bit disappointed A didn't though :/

 overall not too shabby a birthday, considering :)

We cry.

Just came back from Aunty Linta's funeral. I didn't think it would affect me that much, because compared to everyone else we weren't that close, but seeing as she is the closest person I've ever lost, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. The speeches, the tears, the memories just were all so so so sad, it's just so hard to believe she really is gone.
We all went back to her house after the funeral, and all the kids went to the nearby park. This too was oddly sad, we were talking about all the memories we had of things we used to do when we were younger, and just being all nostalgic, and it was just sad to see how much time has passed and how much we've changed.
On top of all this, tomorrow is my bio exam, and my birthday. I have been looking forward to this day for so long, I was so excited but now its all faded. as well as doing the bio exam, my french teacher wants me to do a french assessment, I have to go to some pooja, I thought that N might have wanted to spend the day with me, because well she is the only one who can coz everyone else has exams, but she wants to stay back at school after the exam (probably so she can see P) so i'm pretty much going to be alone on my birthday, wanted to get froyo but the weather is going to be at most 16 degrees tomorrow, I have to do a stupid dance that none of my friends are in just because ammi and appachchi wanted me too, and yeah...aunty linta's gone. Safe to bet, the only good thing about tomorrow will be no more 3/4 bio...but even then...what if I do bad???

ok with everything that's going on, all I ask to whoever is out there (lolreadingmyblog?) please let tomorrow's exam go well, please as a birthday present let me crack 70/75, I really have tried, I mean, I've read notes 1 hour a day for a month, I've done over 40 practise exams, spent hours and hours making notes and I have spent the last 2 days listening to biology podcasts. I've put in enough effort right? please all i'm asking is for it to pay off. If anything is to go right, just make it that (yn) oh and just make sure aunty linta finds heaven ok. as kiddish as that sounds I really mean it, rip.