I care about you so much, like you don't even understand. All I want to do is talk to you, be with and just love you with every ounce of being I hold within me. I know we said we would wait til the of the year, but this is just so hard. Its so hard not knowing how invested you are. How much "us" means to you. Everything you say makes me feel like you only just give a fuck, and I honestly can never tell what you are feeling. You don't like talking about your feelings I know, but keeping them to yourself makes me go insane.
All I do now is imagine you with your arms around me, holding me, with your face close to mine. I keep reliving that care ride, over and over again. I was in bliss, and it was perfect. We were perfect.

A left on wednesday and omg it was just so sad. He started crying in his goodbye speech, and all the french students hijacked form so we could cam whore, and at the end we had this massive group hug. I'm actually going to miss him so much.
LOOK WHAT HE SENT TODAY :'D

it actually made my day :D
and i guess its another sign that my perception of myself is skewed, because I have had 3 people come up and tell me that there MUM'S saw the photo and said i was ridiculously pretty (wow that felt so full of my self to write :S) and the number of people who have told me at school is even more. I still dont understand it tbh. I look at photos from formal and all i see is arm fat, messy hair and a weird shaped face o.O ugh i wish i could see myself from somebody else's point of view.

the ultimate.

spam.

FORMAL

wow and wow
- K worked her magic again, made me look pretty AND convinced me to have an updo. Tbh I don't think I looked THAT great on the night, i didn't really like my hair or my dress, but the amount of genuine compliments I got makes me think that it really is just me and my inability to see myself in a posistive light
- had a freak out coz we were half an hour late to G's and I thought P was there by himself, but as we turned into the court, K, N with P, and P and his dad had just arrived
- pre's was pretty bad, everything was so hectic coz everyone's parents was talking photos and yelling and it was just so crazy and overwhelming, and P looked like he felt pretty out of place
- limo was also shit because the music wasn;t working for the first half of the ride, and when it did no one was getting into it, but alas thank god for alcohol. N,S,P and I drunk a little more than we should have but fuck did it make our night good.
- THEY HAD A PHOTOBOOTH, week took my most favourite SNAGMS+PK photo ever, and i got some cute ones with P and MAN
- felt like i spent the whole night taking photos but actually have nothing to show for it, except that i felt really bad for having to keep ditching P.
- we danced so much, and took so many photos together and we kissed. P and I kissed. we fucking kissed.
after it happen I asked him "so what does this mean" and he just shrugged. I was a little taken aback but didn't push it, and just kept dancing, but when we sat down he wouldn't look me in the eye. I started freaking out. What if it was a shit kiss? There wasn't the fireworks he was expecting, What if he regrets it? but then he started talking normally again and was fine, but still I had this underlying uneasy feeling.
- after formal was done N's brother came to pick us up and i volunteered for P and I to go in the very back (yes i had a cute romantic car ride in mind) and that's exactly what happened. We were just talking like normal with everyone else, but then he took my hand, HE made the first move, he took my hand and tried to pull me over, so I unbuckled my seatbelt and I went to him, where he pulled me close and put his arms around my waist and his face close to mine. He kissed me again, and maybe another time after that. Tbh I don't really remember, anything but the fact my heart was absolutely burning, and i had never felt so at ease in my entire life.
- once we got to N's, we cut K a birthday cake, and chilled and played scattergories for an hour and it was nice. It was cute with just MAN and the partners, and I am really glad we didn't go to M's for afters. When the boys were about to leave, N and P left the room so they could hook up in private, leaving me and P. We gave each other a reallllly long hug and again, he kissed me. This wasn't anything romantic or anything like in the car, but just a quick unexpected peck that totally caught me by surprise.
- after they left i stayed at N's for about 20 were we just talked, and N was wondering why i was not jumping around with joy. I was pretty surprised to. I mean 3 years of feelings with this boy and we finally kiss? I think I was to shocked to be happy. I thought if anything did happen it would be at his formal, not at ours, definitely not, but hey...there you go :S

so much has happened in the space of one week it is fucking crazy so now coz I have nothing better to do i'm going to spend my friday night rewriting it all.

At least it doesnt hurt anymore

Well if im being honest it does, but its almost like the feeling of sadness has reached a point it has been so low for so long, its not sad now? Now im just at a point where underlying sadness is masked by aloofness and lack of care. Formal has just been a load if rubbish from the start, with one thing after another just tumbling down. I'm at rhis point where im certain tomorrow is going to be shit, so as long as i know beforehand, and brace myself, there will be no calateral damage to my feelings afterwards. I've even stopped worrying whether P is going to have a good time or not. He'll just have to enjoy a sober time with me whether he likes it or not.

So God, i've accepted that tomorrow isn't going to be amazing. But can you please help me out with these things to at least make to bareable?

- v and k actually manage to make me look really pretty, like nice hair and stuff, with make up that makes me stand somewhat out? (I dont need any awards or something, just so i feel nice in photos at least)

- P wins his hocky final

- J feels good, has a great time, realises that there are plenty of happy things in her life

- S has a good time and forgets about T

- a photo with A

- a limo that does not let down

- a cute ride home

I dont know if im asking for too much, if even these 6 things are out of reach. I just dont want to dampen everyones spirits... I really dont.

I just had an epiphany. What if the only reason i feel this shit about formal is because its the last sure time i know ill see P. At least, untill exams are over, i know we will defs not see each other, and who knows what will happen after? Maybe these sad feelings are just a subconcious way of dealing with other feelings about P?

Fuck my life really does revolve around him.

Im so stupid sometimes, like honestly i just need to keep my mouth shut. I knew i shouldnt have told C what was going on with J but i did anyway and it resulted in her  having a an anxiety attack. Like actually im such an idiot sometimes, C is so fragile and so unbelievebly empathetic  that anything that makes me feel shaky would just absolutely tear her to pieces. Keeping my mouth shut from now on and keeping a closer eye on her. She doesnt talk to anyone about it but she is struggling, struggling with all the worry she has for te future and all the worry she has for her friends. She just cares and thinks way too much, more of an overthinker than i am believe it or not. I just want all the best for her, for her and J. They are both such amazing, inspiring, strong people and I just don't understand how life can treat them so unfairly. I just hope and pray that the future works out for them.

Please

I just want her to feel better. I want the feelings to leave and for her to feel while again. I want her to enjoy life, to live the way she wants to and dreams to without having depression creating a cloud over her being. I just want her to be alright. I don't want to hear her say that she wa going to kill herself. That she was going to lie down on the train tracks and and wait for it to be over, for the pain to vanish. I don't want her to ever, ever say or think it again. Please god, please, please help J.

Im so over everything

The shit feeling have returned, fucking shitter than ever

- yay guess whose gained weight?

- and also has pimples all around her mouth (double yay)

- formal is just one problem after the other. Some always has to disagree or have an opinion and i am just at the point where im almost dreading the day. 

- j's in hospital and i have no idea how she is

- need to volunteer but cant find anywhere to volunterr

- ugh lipsynching

- need to work but can't work coz i feel shit

- i know he has sacs this week but he is barely talking. Not one message the whole day.

I just want to lie in bed and never leave.

I feel like im being pulled and stretched from all different directions. There is so much to do and not enough of me to do it. I took it fairly easy this weekend with minimal work and maximum procrastination but i still feel so mentally exhusted, and i know it will only get worse.

- yearbook committee

- lipsynching

- lipsynching pro (possibly)

- year 12 video

- spesh sac

- uni applications

- formal

- french detail study

- birthday presents

Only a couple things that are giving me anxiety attacks. I just feel like im moving at 100 km/h but going nowhere like stuff i have done this weekend

- french tutor

- methods notes

- chem notes

- chem tutor

- 3 methods exercises

- spesh notes

- started my detail study

- job apps

- went for a run

- nearly finish lipsynching

- nearly have v's present down

For an 'unproductive weekend' i didn't do too bad did i?? But why do i still feel so drawn out? Like im tumbling from this huge pile of stuff to do, that no matter how much i try, i can't seem to make smaller. I think I need a little help, a little help before things actually start spinning out of control.

I should be doing french

Gahhh procrastinating like crazy. French sac on friday that i dont want to study for coz I know its going to be too hard, so I'm just avoiding the practise sac be doing spesh (lol what?). Anyways today was alliance and although i was so nervous HOLY SHIT THE GUY WHO TESTED ME WAS THE MOST GORGEOUS THING EVER!! Like okay, when i first saw him, i wasnt taken aback or anything, but when we started talking... His voice... It was just so soft and smooth and calming and omg im getting all giddy just thinking about it now :P the actually competition part wasnt too bad. I probably didn't do that well in general convo coz i didnt elaborate much but i just spoke and spoke for the french rev part so he didnt even have tome to ask questions! It was obvious i was just reciting something, but my accent was almost as good as it is when i talk french to myself and i dunno, our conversation just seemed to flow..... God he was so beautiful. At lunch we had our first lipsynching rehearsal and we had about 12 girls which is pretty good for a first rehearsal turn out, aparantly 25 girls confirmed they want to do it :D 

Afterschool i went and bummed around in priceline were i bought a gold eyeliner and a pink lipliner (tried on so many lip products, my lips were dying) and then found formal earrings for $2 (hope they match) and got a little bit of breadtop before going home. 

P asked me a question about my formal for the first time today and it was about pre's, so i finally told him about the fact that we can pick him up and stuff, so now all the 'components' of my plan are actually aware of my plan :P hopefully it goes alright on the day though. I'm stocked about the hummer limo (hope its worth the $70) but am still so unsure about afters, everything is still so up in the air :/

Finally!

So today was monash open day, and i went down to check out the med and radiography and medical imaging course too finally start making some proper decisions. Talking to the radiography people didn't exactly perk up my interest too much, but he did say that i could master and become a radiation therapist or sonographer anTHAT got me interested. It made me think of aunty bubi, and both just seem like such fulfilling jobs. Then i went to a med lecture, where believe it or not i got slightly motivated to want it. Although they all mentioned the negatives and stuff, they all seemed to genuinely, genuinely enjoy the course. I dunno, they all just seemed to have no regrets or anything, which is pretty much my biggest fear. But i think i now kinda have a plan sorted. If i can't get undergrad med, here or interstate (except adelaide) i'll do medical imaging course, whilst in the course if i really enjoy it and want to continue, i'll master as a sonographer or radiation therapist, but if it's not or me, i'll try post grad med and got from there.

I know ive made some pretty big decisions based on only a few hours of information, but this sounds okay to me... Hopefully everyone else is cool with it too o.O

Everything just feels so shit.