this is odd

I remember a time where I used to cry to god pleading him to make me pretty. No, not even pretty, just not ugly. I remember being called ugly in primary school behind my back and even my own mother telling me "ugly children take ugly photos" when I brought home my school photos. I just can't believe how different things are now, how people think i'm actually somewhat pretty, how even I think i'm pretty sometimes. Yesterday I was able to talk to one of D's friends and we totally hit it off, and I could tell the way he was talking to me, that he was somewhat interested. I've noticed boys at tutor staring at me for a little longer then they should and i don't know why I freak about uploading photo's on facebook... my profile picture has gotten 60+ likes from today alone. I know right now, i sound cocky and so full of myself, but honest to god, i don't mean it with those intentions. I just struggle to come to terms with how much i've changed in the last 4 or 5 years. I know Mac.Rob is a big part of why I am like I am today, and although the school has caused me so much pain, self doubt and "emotional turmoil" I guess I should really just take some time to reflect on all the good things that have come out of my time here. I guess more than anything the main positive (and negative) is my "exposure" to the opposite sex. Coming from an all girl school where my only guy friend was D, i was practically thrown into the real world where contact with boys was inevitable. Looking back now, wow, I was so desperate. Any chance I got to be with boys I took it. Thank-god I've matured and now "boys" are just that... "boys" they are friends, not just potential boyfriends anymore.

Another positive of course is the independence. If I were still at MCC I think the only reason I would ever have even gone to the city would be to go to the airport. Taking the train by myself, going out in the holidays, short dresses, shortshorts, sleepovers and staying out late, I know I complain about curry parents being all tight and all but things could be worse. 

I have a very, very lovely group of friends. My feelings for them are like a double edged sword sometimes, what with the constant comparing and self judgement i give. But some of my fondest memories are due to these girls and without them I know my time at Mac.Rob would have been so so so much worse than I sometimes perceive it as now.

And I guess the most obvious would be how much more intellectually capable i am now. I know I know that the school environment is one of the things I dislike the most, but I can't deny it is what made me get that 49 in bio. Seeing that score, hugging my parents, and telling my friends...it was probably the best feeling I have had in my entire life. I have never been so proud of myself and have never seen my parents so proud of me, it is something I know I will never forget.

I guess there are quite a few things I should be thankful for, and i know that the biggest what if is still "what if I went to Nossal" still gets me down sometimes, maybe its just because I only look at the positive sides that could of occurred there. I mean I know if I went to Nossal, I would have been in the same school as P, but what if spending all that time together just secured my place in :friendzone: at least now, i'm pretty sure he has/is thinking about me as more than a friend..... going to macrob has at least given me that. And i know, going to a co-ed school would have been huge, but still it's not like I don't know any guys now, and in less than a year i'll be going to uni... there will be plenty of time to form closer friendship with guys (and girls alike) so I guess I can tolerate the facade thats occurring at the moment. This year is my last. This year will have its ups and downs but this year I hope I continue to change, but for the better. I've become prettier, I've become more independent, I've become smarter, I've become more confident, I've become somewhat more popular. This year I well become a better person. Be someone that's worth being proud of.