procrastinating

YESTERDAY

• was running round like a maniac in the morning trying to get all my shit together for swimming
• got to school and got dress with A and i'm not going to lie we looked hot :D
• went to MSAC and got so many compliments (one of which was really awkward, coz this random girl said i looked really good, to which i said thanks and then A was like "what did she say?" and i didn't want to seem pretentious so i said the chick said we both looked good, so A looks at the chick and smiles and says thankyou and im just like o.O
• cam whored like crazzzzyyyyyy
• there wasn't enough swimmers for the last raced so i got dragged into it, and it was just so stressful coz i only had my bikini and i was scared it would come off, so I had to wear J one piece, which i felt really bad about because she had to wear it straight after for novelties all wet and gross, but hey WE CAME 2ND ON THE RACE! yay ribbon for malshi
• after we were done (oreads came 3rd overall) we headed to southern cross and found some random asian restaurant were we all ate till our stomachs nearly burst
• went to MC and just sat and chilled and planned schoolies with S,N,A,P and G
• and yeah went home uploaded the photos got tons of likes and compliments and what not which was nice (P said i looked "great" and liked it too)

TODAY

• 76% ON MY SPESH TEST BITCHES!! solid 23% improvement
• failed me englang hurdle because i forgot to put line references
• finally starting to make some sort of way with transport plans for ed sheeran
• and no im just wasting time and being completely irresponsible by nit doing work. Like seriously i have hardly done anything this entire week... why am I doing this?

swimming carnival :)

THANK THE LORD HE IS FLIRTING!

its subtle.... very, very, very subtle, but I swear its legit. aeiurt.hkertge so much emotion.

• i tried waxing my snail trail off and ended up with a patchy stomach, and i also tried getting rid of some of the hair on my back, and now im burning all over
• spesh test tomorrow and im fucked, dont have my notes ready even. Like its not like i have no idea whatsoever of what im doing, see if this was methods, my current knowledge would be enough to get me a bit better than average score. But this is spesh. So me only kinda knowing what im doing = fail
• i feel like i've wasted my entire day. Its not like I haven't been working. I've done spesh all day and had umat tutor, but i know the work I did for spesh isnt going to pay off, so it's almost like i've done nothing. Ok malshi get your shit together, you have 3 weeks to prepare for 5 sacs. TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!
• so P's phone died yesterday and he was at a family friends house.... yeah I am just a little to paranoid :/ but omg he apologised and everything, it was just the cutest
• the week hasnt even started and i want the next weekend to come already :/

he's seen the message but still hasn't replied.

so I;m actually talking to P about my eating problems in year 10 and I thought it would freak him out, but he started asking questions so i thought it would be okay, but then he suddenly stopped replying. Yeah I know, replying a couple hours later is what we usually do, but this is a serious conversation we're having, like it is so personal and he just stops mid way? Did i freak him out? ugh this is something i only talk to select people about, does he not realise how much me telling him this stuff means? the least he could do is reply :(

I am just so drained all the time. I just want to be able to sleep and stay in bed a whole day without worrying about school, sacs, exams, fat or calories. I just want to lay for as long as I need to and just feel lively again.

i guess it could be worse.... :/

little prayer

if our chem sac gets pushed back a week, i will have 5 sacs (i.e one for every subject) in four days. I know I can handle it, at the rate I am going now I will probably be able to do each sac at an average level.... but these are sacs. I need to do better than average. I have to get above 90% for all of them (ok maybe not french and definitely not spesh) just like bio. Of course I dont plan on getting a score like i did for bio, for any of my subjects this year, but wow a 40 for methods, chem and possibly englang and in my wildest dreams french would be nice. Just a 40. LOL its as if I'm not asking for much :/ 40 is a damn hard score to get..... ok forget about that PLEASE LORD! keep the chem sac in the scheduled week, please, please , please. As i've heard each sac date fall on the week of the 18th I haven't complained once. Only now, when i might have 5 SACS am i asking for you to help me. please?

today

• gave J her birthday present on our walk to school, becuase she walked to fast behind us and she saw the present -.- I know my birthday is mid exams and all, but I really hope she at least remembers it this year :/
• englang test period 1 - thankyou lord its not graded
• spent my free trying to convince other oreads to dress up as spanish bellas
• went out for lunch wth G dawg, (where i finally tasted a rice paper roll!) and talked about the future and formal partners and P
• chem excursion was so so so boring but we finished an hour early, so i got home early too :D
• had no motivation to do work whatsoever and i even took a 30 minutes nap to try get some energy into me... i think it worked coz i was able too do some spesh and chem for about 2 hours afterwards. Its not much but it was better then the alternative
• LOL talking to D about weed and how much we both want to try it... iking this kid more and more
• P is doing that thing where he looks at my message then waits 20 mins to reply.... WHY?!?

• i have done next to no work this entire weekend, like seriously... i did one tutor hw sheet, my french hw, 4o minutes of umat, and a bit of englang revision... I EVEN HAVE A TEST TOMORROW!
• talking to D is actually really nice. Such a genuine guy, he really is one of the nicest guys I know
• i have nothing to look forward to for the entire week. I am actually going to die.
• I have been eating dreadful for the past couple days, so hopefully i can get back into some healthy habit this week
• i feel like were going no where.

why can't I dance like beyonce?

completely failing at her dance tutorials, i just want to dance like a pro and show off at parties -.-

just came back from appachchi's singing show and omg HE WAS SO CUTE!!! he looked so happy on stage and it was just adorable!

ever since yesterday i've been feeling like crap. I know its something to do with P but I dont know what exactly. I just fell so dull and bleh. I'm not eating properly and the only thing i really want is something dense and intensely sweet in my mouth, which the closest I can get to is chocolate but even then it's still not quite hitting the spot.
ugh i just feel like crap :/

this feels appropriate

just let be like this for an hour, and I swear i'll be done being all pathetic and depressing.

If you just asked me to be your valentine, it would be enough.

seeing all the cute photos on facebook and instagram about valentine's days is just so depressing. I've never really cared about not having a valentine before, but today I'm actually feeling lonely. I mean how depressing is it I spent valentine's day with david attenborough, ice- cream and UMAT.

why am i so pathetic?

talk to me talk to me talk to me talk to me talk to me talk to me talk to me talk to me talk to me

today

• thought about him the entire train ride
• had an entirely boring first 2 periods
• 3/4 free were I worked really hard but only managed to finish my french hw and start some chem
• felt all fancy by having crumpets and tea for lunch #havingacommonroomrulz
• Ms Day asked me to come into her bio class and talk to them about bio and being balanced.... i have no idea what im going to say o.O was i even that balanced?
• NO SCHOOL ON THURSDAY YES YES NO DOUBLE SPESH YES YES!
• double methods, with a somewhat nicer than usual chandler
• counted my money  and i have just over $300 which is a lot more than i thought, so i've decided to but the chi chi nude palette tomorrow which is supposed to be a dupe of UD's Naked.
• came back from chem tutor where i did a gavemetric text and got 90%!!!! i only got one mark less than the smartest guy in the class, and its sure a hell of a improvement from my last 7/15
• about read the 3 musketeers in french and make a list of food i might possibly want to have tomorrow.... exciting I know.

yeah I'm procastinating

I can't stop thinking about L. We met Saturday and we totally hit it off, and I am 90% sure he was into me. He is smart, cool and forward and relatively cute AND a year older. I know this makes me seem fickle, or just slut because I am so totally in love with P, but I'm tired of waiting and of mixed signals. I changed my dp facebook, and he said I was "looking good". Yes he could have just ignored it altogether, but he chose to acknowledge it, which is a good sign i know, but "looking good".... really? this was a perfect opportunity for some subtle flirting... "you look pretty", "you look cute" or even "you look really nice" is better than "looking good". Looking good just sounds so.... chummy, like something you would call a friend or a close mate. Seriously what even. I tried searching L on facebook, but I couldn't find him :/ so I guess my only hope is some sort of connection through D, who I think would defs put something together if either I or L were interested enough.
ugh I feel like I'm betraying P or something, but I seriously can't take this floating around anymore. Something needs to happen.

this is odd

I remember a time where I used to cry to god pleading him to make me pretty. No, not even pretty, just not ugly. I remember being called ugly in primary school behind my back and even my own mother telling me "ugly children take ugly photos" when I brought home my school photos. I just can't believe how different things are now, how people think i'm actually somewhat pretty, how even I think i'm pretty sometimes. Yesterday I was able to talk to one of D's friends and we totally hit it off, and I could tell the way he was talking to me, that he was somewhat interested. I've noticed boys at tutor staring at me for a little longer then they should and i don't know why I freak about uploading photo's on facebook... my profile picture has gotten 60+ likes from today alone. I know right now, i sound cocky and so full of myself, but honest to god, i don't mean it with those intentions. I just struggle to come to terms with how much i've changed in the last 4 or 5 years. I know Mac.Rob is a big part of why I am like I am today, and although the school has caused me so much pain, self doubt and "emotional turmoil" I guess I should really just take some time to reflect on all the good things that have come out of my time here. I guess more than anything the main positive (and negative) is my "exposure" to the opposite sex. Coming from an all girl school where my only guy friend was D, i was practically thrown into the real world where contact with boys was inevitable. Looking back now, wow, I was so desperate. Any chance I got to be with boys I took it. Thank-god I've matured and now "boys" are just that... "boys" they are friends, not just potential boyfriends anymore.

Another positive of course is the independence. If I were still at MCC I think the only reason I would ever have even gone to the city would be to go to the airport. Taking the train by myself, going out in the holidays, short dresses, shortshorts, sleepovers and staying out late, I know I complain about curry parents being all tight and all but things could be worse. 

I have a very, very lovely group of friends. My feelings for them are like a double edged sword sometimes, what with the constant comparing and self judgement i give. But some of my fondest memories are due to these girls and without them I know my time at Mac.Rob would have been so so so much worse than I sometimes perceive it as now.

And I guess the most obvious would be how much more intellectually capable i am now. I know I know that the school environment is one of the things I dislike the most, but I can't deny it is what made me get that 49 in bio. Seeing that score, hugging my parents, and telling my friends...it was probably the best feeling I have had in my entire life. I have never been so proud of myself and have never seen my parents so proud of me, it is something I know I will never forget.

I guess there are quite a few things I should be thankful for, and i know that the biggest what if is still "what if I went to Nossal" still gets me down sometimes, maybe its just because I only look at the positive sides that could of occurred there. I mean I know if I went to Nossal, I would have been in the same school as P, but what if spending all that time together just secured my place in :friendzone: at least now, i'm pretty sure he has/is thinking about me as more than a friend..... going to macrob has at least given me that. And i know, going to a co-ed school would have been huge, but still it's not like I don't know any guys now, and in less than a year i'll be going to uni... there will be plenty of time to form closer friendship with guys (and girls alike) so I guess I can tolerate the facade thats occurring at the moment. This year is my last. This year will have its ups and downs but this year I hope I continue to change, but for the better. I've become prettier, I've become more independent, I've become smarter, I've become more confident, I've become somewhat more popular. This year I well become a better person. Be someone that's worth being proud of.

feeling prettier than usual :P

I started talking about weed and I totally freaked him out.
I've fucked it up again.

it is actually ridiculous how much anxiety I feel for posting a status on facebook. I haven't done a status in months and am totally freaking out about the number of likes I may of may not get

greatest moment of my life so far

beauty is pain

got my eyebrows threaded for the first time, but fuck it hurt.

ugh i have a methods test tomorrow and a spesh one on friday and I have hardly studied, methods ok i'll do decent in (hopefully) but spesh..... MALSHI WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU DOING! get.your.crap.together. tomorrow l'll only have like an hour for revision... oh please let me do okay god :/

I think this is the 4th time where i've been in bed ready to sleep, when he messages and makes me stay up for another 2 hours -.-

So today was the first official day of year 12 and lucky me with all 5 subjects on the one day with no frees -.- it wasn't too bad because trenchy was away so I did get a period off, but man i can tell these periods are going to kill me when the year goes on. I think i'll be right for englang - Ms Howe seems like a great teacher AND is going away to camp next week which means i get 4 extra frees :D, Ms Chandler is a bitchy tight ass, but seems like a good methods teacher, so i just need to make sure i don't get on her bad side, Mr. Campbell scares me with his intensity but he really seems devoted to his class, and genuinely willing to do whatever it takes to make sure we get through the year and Ms Harvey seems pretty alright too... no complaints yet!
So i survived the first day, only 200 or so more to go.

i swear im bipolar

I just don't want to start the year. First day of year 12 tomorrow, and I feel like crap. Everything feels like crap. Not being smart enough feels like crap, having a fat ass and thighs feels like crap, not knowing if P likes me feels like crap, not knowing which chem tutor will make me less stupid feels like crap and knowing that this year is going to be so unbelievably hard feels like crap.
crap
crap
crap

what is my life

• 5 hours of chem today
• the 5 hours didn't make me feel any less stupid in tutor though ( yay 7/15)
• 61th percentile on my first section 2 exam paper for umat :( (i did get 96 for section 3 though)
• too tired from chem and feeling like a leaking tank (yes i have my period....tmi?) so i didn't go dancing and probably wont this whole month....yeah muscle my ass
• trying to eat less sugar, and is going somewhat okay.... i;ve only sligghhhhhttly cut down, but still its better than nothing (we have chocolate croissants in the pantry though a;euirgh;ejg)
• how can he flirt with me so much in person, but seem so distant online? I keep checking facebook for his messages like every 5 minutes, its pathetic

yeah im in a shit mood.