15 minutes and counting

so I wanted to take a "last day of 2013 selfie" but I look like absolute crap (pepta bright doesn't seem to be working so that was a waste of $30 -.-) so i'm just going to do a "best of 2013" like I did last year.

1) High tea with J and C:
 I have never felt so loved. (Yes this is a different photo, but we didn't actually take one on the day)

2) Nipsican night
When we all came together to help out S when she really needed a hand. Blew of the mhs senior social and had a night in where we bonded over tacos and miss congeniality
 ( there was photos but i have no idea where :/)

3) the back of N's car with P after formal:
I've written about this many a times. Is to this date one of the most perfect moments ever. Thinking about it now hurts alot, but i can't deny that at the time it made me feel so much good that I could barely contain it/

4) The 2nd cricket match of SL vs Aus :
 Again because of P. The flirting, the hand holding, the developing feelings.... when it really all came back. It's so weird to think, that the first match I barely liked him. Well I did... but the escalation afterwards was incredible.

5) A's surprise birthday
When SNAGMS+ PK needed it the most. Everyone was feeling distant and the group was feeling the strain.  But over italian food and talk of Brazilians we bonded again haha

6) French exam/ Surprise birthday
So unexpected. I would have been happy regardless because it was my last exam but having everyone there was just so great. Even J, it was just so lovely :)

7) Seeing Ed Sheeran walk out on stage
From the worst day to the most amazing night, only Ed Sheeran could have evoked such a changed that fast.

8) aths carnival/swimming carnival
I know i'm cheating by grouping two events together, but they were both special to me for the same reason - oread spirit, good photos and P complimented me (the last is pathetic I know)

9) House drama
Wasn't as amazing as last year but still was enough for my toe to start cramping because I was dancing so hard AND we came 2nd!

10) interball
I don't remember the exact details but I know I had fun and that P complimented me

spending the last 2 hours of 2013 watching LOST.
Fair to say this is a pretty low way to end the yeah tbh. ugh

Finally scratched the itch.

Bought shit online!!!! haha
Bought mini red pegs off ebay for my photo clothesline

And supre has a sale where all of these tops are for $5 so I got myself 3, and with N and J managed to score free shipping :)

I haven't had a package in the mail for so long (lol except the interview book) so I really can't wait for these to arrive.

I love J and C so much. so so so so much. Spent a perfect day at chuckle park bar together where J got hit on twice in a space of 3 hours and C told us about her 4 scholarship offers. How even?
My friends are so amazing.

Pretty sure im pmsing but

ugh I just feel awful. I feel so lonely and annoyed with myself, I can't even deal.
I just want to be held

I feel so uneasy but I have no idea why.

Self esteem where art thou?

so P text this morning telling me that "heaps of guys thought you looked mint last night" and he said this a few times. It was so our of the blue. At the actually party I barely spoke to anyone new. Sure kkg tried hitting on me (he had drunk half a bottle of vodka by this point) and J kept switching between falling asleep and asking me to go outside with him (therefore also doesn't count). But in terms of everyone else? I really don't think anyone else gave me a second look. The one guy's attention who I was trying to catch hardly spoke to me so was obviously not interested so how all these other guys are keen I dont even understand. This is going to sound racist but the main reason i don't understand is because i'm curry and the majority of the guys were asian. Don't get me wrong, interracial couples and attraction can occur, but I think this only happens with the best of the best. As in, a curry will only find a really hot asian attractive and vice versa.

but im not hot.

Yes after i pop in my contacts and do my make up I am pretty, yeah i can kinda see that. But to have this reaction. Where at the last 3 parties i have gone to i have been hit on by at least two guys each night? I do not think I'm worth that much. I am not trying to be modest or humble I genuinely cannot see it. I don't understand my L is going to so much trouble or why guys of different races find me attractive. I mean if I really was that good looking, i'd be a real catch right? someone that you would not let go, that you would hold onto and foster a relationship. P did none of these things. He let me go, he sucks at trying to keep the friendship...... if I was really that pretty why would he do that?

I am reading this interview guide and it is freaking me out. LIke freaking me out so much that I don't want to do med, but I don't know if i really don't want to do med or if I'm just scared.
FUCK like it's too late for me to pull out now, i'm in too deep. I can't just say "I don't want to do it anymore" but I;m so scared. So so so scared and I don;t know what to do.
Actually first thinkg would probably be to stop watching Greys Anatomy because it's just showing me how hard it is to be a surgeon (even though medentry described Grey's Anatomy as romanticising the job which again freaks me out because, if I think the romanticised version is shit, imagine the real version). Alright I just need to reassure myself. Why I want to be a doctor.

• help people (duh) : have the ability to tell a family there child, brother, sister is going to be okay.
• money brah
• prestige
• travel opportunities. It's a job I know I will be able to do anywhere in the world
• job security
• so diverse. So many fields and pathways so I will never get bored
• parents would be so so so so proud. Bio results remain to be one of the most happiest days of my life. I have never seen ammi and appachchi so happy. If I get into med, this would even top that.
• I LIKE biology. It's fascinating. I enjoyed learning about it, I mean how else did I do so well? Med would have so much anatomy, dissections and I would learn so much. I would genuinely be interested
• I love meeting new people, this is a job that will allow me to do it

Okay still panicked but calming down. I just need to talk to my GP again. He nearly made me cry the first time, maybe he will help ease my worries this time round.

ugh I don't know what to do.

So I hoped visiting the change of preference expo at monash would help clear up what I wanted to do next year but it has just made things more confusing. I was so adamant on not doing biomed, but biomed really is the best option for me in terms of postgrad med. Then there is physio which is great but apparently low paying (if i even did well on the interview) and radiography which both my parents would be disappointed if I chose because of the low atar despite the practically 100% employment rate.

Monash med interviews come out tomorrow and after seeing that the cut off mark was 175 (i got 177) for umat, I got my hopes raised. However, 175 is the cut off for underprivileged schools. therefore I have no idea whether my mark and atar are good enough. I'm just so annoyed because I had ruled out monash med as soon as i saw my umat mark, and the day before I get or dont get the interview offer, i start to hope again.

Having hope is too dangerous for me. It's an emotion I cannot adequately handle, so I need to avoid it at all costs. Ugh but now I am just left feeling awful about tomorrow.

Okay. So i've decided I a content with my score. I'm annoyed yes. I know I could have cracked 99, been one of the 31 girls in our year level who did. I know I could have done better in some of my subjects, giving me something more exciting to tell all my tutors. But 98.55 is a GOOD score. I am in the top 1.5% of the state. The top 1.5% of all students in Victoria, and that is something to be fucking proud of.
I could have done better yes, but I could have done a lot worse.
Malshi. Accept the score and move on. It'll be okay.

all I ever wanted to do is make my parents proud, and I didn't even do it.

5 minutes away.

yesterday.

wow, it was so intense like what even. I can completely understand how so many kids at lyndale get pregnant.

PROS

• Saw S and S for the first time since primary school and it was so great. They remembered me and came up for conversation and it was just really nice
• I know my limits with alcohol (Y)
• MET N FINALLY!!! he is such a cutie, has definitely got number 3
• got hit on by two guys S and L, and gave L my number
• failed slut drop with my new favourite gay person in the world
• did my first tequila shot - salt, shot, lemon
• flirted with a very cute Aussie guy

CONS

• calories calories calories
• did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my whole entire life - got into a care with a sober driver but another 4 drunk teenagers. that could have ended so so so so badly.
• the cute aussie guy has a girlfriend -.-
• my clothes smell like smoke
• I feel kinda guilty even though I haven't really done anything terrible. I mean I didn't get completely drunk (and even if I did, I'm legal anyway) smoke or do weed. I didn't hook up and I didn't really do anything I regret (well I did regret the car thing, but I wasn't going to let J go in by herself). I mean my parents actually KNEW I was going to a party this time (unlike P's) and they knew it was with a lot of people I didn't know. So I really shouldn't really bad, but I think i'm just getting all superstitious because of results tomorrow.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HURTING ME?!?!
I just want to stop feeling, I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to go to sleep crying and wake up feeling awful. I want to enjoy my holidays, I want to be happy and carefree like every other person. I don't want to be sad anymore.

I just want to feel good and loved again. Feel wanted and needed.
why why why why.

I don't know what to do. He isn't helping me at all. He doesn't ask questions, gives short responses... shows little interest. But how do I end it? How do I end a year and a half conversation? How do I end the conversation when I know it will end the friendship?

he didn't even build the fucking crab.

L is growing on me. Maybe not in that way, but the idea of meeting up with him doesn't frighten me as much. The situation would still be very very intimate, but I feel the intimacy wouldn't be much of an issue after the ball starts rolling. It would have to be on my terms though, as in meet up for no more than a few hours, somewhere in the city (ie where i take public transport and he DOESNT pick me up) in a really relaxed and chill environment, preferably with a lot of people surrounding.
I really wish I could stop overthinking. That I could "kick back" and just enjoy and accept everything without getting to emotionally involved.

omfg what am I doing? I AM MAKING UP STORIES TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK COOLER TO P! Never have I sunk so low to make believe, never.
And all this talk about clubbing? Any bets it wont even happen. S is the least reliable, and the one making the plans. I need this so much but fuck I have no idea when i'm going to get it.


and in approximately one week my atar will be known. 1 more week.

MALSHI WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING!?!?!

YOU ARE TALKING TO BOTH OF THEM (LYING AND MAKING STORIES UP TOO) AND THEY ARE HANGING OUT TOMORROW.
TOGETHER.
P AND L. TOGETHER

STOP IT P, STOP IT, STOP MAKING ME LIKE YOU!!!!!

Hi i'm Malshi and I suffer from a severe case of "foot in mouth" disease.

Why do I ruin everything. Always. Always. Always.

I fucked up.

I've done something wrong, I must have, L always replies with the minute. Shit I fucked this one up too.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

i want him to regret it. I want him to regret it so bad that everytime he sees my name he remembers that moment in the back of N's car. That he remembers all the times i've made him laugh or tried to cheer him up when he was sad.
I'm not angry, I just want to be able to feel valued, appreciated and wanted. It's my feelings for him that have stopped me from feeling all of these emotions for the last 3 years til even today. I just want to let go.

day 3

High tea at the windsor then perfume crawling and shoe shopping.

J and C I love you both so much and are so so so so thankful you are in my life.

let day 2 of recovery begin.

Don’t hate him.  You know you don’t.

Don’t hate yourself. You know you fucking rock.

Just hate the universe, and then accept it.  Because the universe is an asshole and always will be. 

so much has happened in the space of one day.
everything i have been scared of

but now is the healing process. Im allowed to be sad. Im allowed to cry and im allowed to hurt but this will not take over my life. P has taken over this whole year already, and now things are clear, things are completely shit - but nevertheless clear, it's time to gain closure.