So today was umat. Straight after the exam I didnt know how to feel, i was very non chalant about it, but now I dont know, i dont think I did that well...... I didnt get a 'c' for for the last 20 questions!!! Ugh but tbh, i dont know whether this is me actually being realistc and feeling bad, or if ive just let my emotions run amok again. i was really good about stopping any feelings of P from interfering with my headspace before the exam ( which actually was harder than i thought seeing as his dad was with my da AGAIN before the exam and he was all smiley and wishing me luck.... I think he likes me?? :P) but after the exam? Ugh i texted him good luck before and not even 2 secs after we finishe he texted me saying "rapped" (made me laugh :P) but i did end up seeing him for like and awkward 10 secs were we hugged unfront of his dad and banged heads and didnt know what to talk about and omg it was awkward, rethinking about it now is making me cringe :/ ugh byt nevertheless just seeing him made me so unbelievably emotional, like bipolar malshi again. I was so amazingly happy and now i am embarrassed, scared (eng lang sac tomorrow and i dont know if my prep has been adequet..... It doesnt feel like it :/) , worried, rejected, sad, annoyed and jus over it. It's just a whole bunch if shit feeling were i feel fat, not good enough and just plain awful. I just want things to feel okay. To have my emotions be stable again. To not just show 'passive indifference' but feel it too. I just want no feeling for a bit, as bad as it sounds, give me back the grey!

So tomorrow be the umat...

*cue deep frightening end of the world music

LOL but actually i'm feeling okay! A little nervous sure, but I think i've done enough prep, sure i haven't spent the last few weeks pouring over umat like most others, but i'm sure sub conciously the way i've prepared over the last couple of months is more efficient..... Hopefully o.O

I DUNNO, i feel like i have it within me to do well.... I know whether i'll actually do well tomorrow is another thing, but if i can go in with a clear headspace and feelings that arent in the usually depressive pessimistic state, i think i should be okay. I'm avoiding all things med entry or things that will get me upset  and tonight im just going to concentrate on trying to get to my 'prime' - sleep early, sleep in tomorrow, no stalkin of blogs where i know will just get me scared, eating more that usual to avoid the '12.30 grumble' and yeah i dunno just going to try be as positive as i can. Forget formal (mine as well as mhs), forget P (as much as i'm capable of at least) and forget unsurity (is that a word?)  I'm always doubting my ability, but for once I'm going to stop doubting and just start believing, and then, if thats still not enough, if i still dont make it.... Maybe med isnt for me? Maybe the outcome of this test will help me decide exactly whats going on with my future... So if i look at it from that perspective its a win win situation... Kinda :S hahaha well either way, God/s today i pray not that i ace this exam tomorrow, but just that i do as well as i can, in the best mental and physical state that i can be in. And hopefully, that'll be enough to get me over the line, hopefully.

Curious

I woke up today feeling particularily shit. I woke up trying to find something to look forward to and I could actually think of nothing. Despite this, I feel quite content right now :S i mean nothing amazing happened, just a stupid frenh competition where i'm sure i did shit and tutor but I dont't know, I feel ok. I've done like no study, well i kind of have.... Finished an Englang essay this morning (but not really, coz we went thriugh the criteria in class and shit i have work to do), 2 hours french comp, one hour spesh tutor, and like 40 minutes umat checking... I guess considering this should be a 'lazy day' i didn't do tooo bad. And it's also weird, i have eaten so much more fatty food than usual and i dont even care. Like, i just shrugged my shoulders and kept chewing :S AND most importantly im not stressing about P, yes i defs keep thinking about him, but not stressing.... I've decided that i'm going to attribute his lack of replies due to intense umat revision, so O can stop worrying about whether he is just not replying coz he thinks i'm boring but i think the main thing is today I didn't check my messages in the morning, I didnt let him decide my mood for the day. PROGRESS FINALLY!! If i can keep going pike this til' formal maybe I wont go mad

Today was productive

- spesh exercise

- umat exam

- eng lang quotes

- french rev essay

- chem notes

- half checked umat exam

Im suprised how much i got done.... I een have time now to youtube and paint my nails :S I also don't know how I was so productive with P fucking up my feelings the whole day too. Its actually gotten to the stage where im having this near constant feeling of uneasiness. Where my heart beats faster, i struggle to breath and my stomach turns over itself..... Even as i write this now i have the feeling. This just gets me even more panicked for umat..... How can i do this 3 hour exam in this state?? I've got 10 days to try figure out a way to calm myself down, please god make me okay for umat, let me do my best - better than i've ever done (and if thats still not good enough, well maybe med isnt my calling) but yeah, let me freak out as much as you want me too afterwards ( after englang and chem sacs though :P). But no actually, to think that he now has ability to cause physical reactions from me? That's fucking ridiculous. I want to talk to someone about it, but its so embarrasing. Unless someone has gone through what I am going through they wont understand. They will just think i'm overreacting, that this is all in my head and im just being a typical teenage girl. But this is more than that, i wish i were overreacting.... That this was just a fikle crush I could get over as soon as the next good looking guy came along. What's happening to me now scares me. One person shouldn't be able to control me like this. He doesn't even know how vulnerable i am, which scares me even more, because say he does realise that im not good enough for him, or that there really isnt anything that special about me, he wont let go softly. He has the ability to absolutely crush me and leave me a complete mess. He has this power and he doesn't know. I feel so vulnerable. So so so vulnerable. 

from yesterday

Because blogger is being stupid, im just venting here and depending on my mood and laziness, i’ll copy this over.
So tbh, i don’t really know what to write. I want to write something profound and deep but then there is the nagging angsty teenager with too many emotions in the back of my mind that keeps yelling out information i really dont want to remember. But however if i am going to get any solace out of writin my thoughts, i might as well go the whole way.
1) I really would have liked to have been asked…… Honestly i really cant be bothered, and i totally dont have the cash for it…. But still, as much as it shames me to say, this is a but of a blow to the ego…. I mean i havent conpletely changed from year 10 Malshi. I still care about what people think if me, thankfully not as much as I used to, but nevertheless i still do…. And i still worry what they will say about me. I know that it wont be SO bad because i went to formal last week and everyone knows it…. But still, i know there will be talk and even forgetting all that, even me… Myself i can’t help but ask, what’s wrong with me?
2) I’m going to have to tell you soon. I know I keep saying this and keep doing nothing about it, but i think the way you influence my feelings is impacting on how i do umat. I know how lame that sounds, but seeing as how limited my current options are for the future, fucking up umat is has to be avoided at all costs. When you dont talk to me i’m sad, when you do I can’t stop thinking about you….. Both of these situations are far from the ideal headspace i should be in when i do umat. I need my feelings and my mind to be stable when i do this test, and i can’t let you unknowingly ruin my chances of this opportunity.
3) I think If I had gone to nossal i would have been so much happier. Academically i know i would be no where near the level i am now…. But emotionally, mentally and socially i think i’d be so much better off, and in the bigger scheme of things, isn’t that what is really important?? I dont think I would have developed any aversion to food and my body image…. I think i’d overthink less and be more optimistic. Although the one thing I think is weird, is that i dont know if i’d be in love with P. Or if we would even be friends. I see it playing out like a american teenage drama, were if i did happen to fall for him, he would never know until graduation, and when he found out he wouldn’t care and probably just laugh about it with his friends. Its just weird to think, i would have been able to see first hand the things that dive me insane now. P and T, all his girl friends, him at parties…. I wonder how i’d react?? Would i care as much as i do now?? Would i even care at all?? This will forever be my biggest what if.

So much love. So so so so much.













why aren't you in love with me yet?

no, I'm not going to let you do this, not today.

Today is Aunty B's funeral, and I'm not going to be upset over you. I'm not going to waste my feelings on your and your lack of ability to even try make me feel better. Today is not the day to think endlessly about why you comforted her, but make no such effort with me and "hope your doing well" doesn't fucking count. I don't need you to make me feel better, Aunty is gone and I fucking know that, not even you can make me feel better about it..... I just wanted to know you that you cared. That you care about what's going on with me, and that you're willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone to at least try be there for me.

well fuck you.

wow

so its been a while ey?
not been posting for almost a month mainly due to the fact that my laptop was fucked up and i ceebs posting on the downstairs computer BUT yesterday was formal (with P yes) so i feel that this very signeficant day has to be recorded. The good and the bad.
So before I had a chance to have a full blown panic attack we got a phone call from uncle S that ammi and apachchi should come visit aunty B. Of all days, all fucking days. My hair appointment was at 1.30 and J came to pick me up, so my emotions were going all over the place, i was excited, then guilty, then upset, and then nervous, it was just so fucking draining. So my hair didn't look amazing and she had to fixed it quite a bit before I was even semi happy (plus she charged $40 -.-) but when the makeup and dress came on, i didn't look half bad.
Went to P's late because of appachchi and traffic but it wasn't too bad coz a few other girls were late too. Pre's was awkwardish. I tried and failed at small talk. I stood awkwardly around.there was a very very awkward moment when we were doing shots and there wasnt enough for me and ugh just the thought makes me cringe,and the one photo i did see that P's dad took, i looked so fucking fat :/ I was actually shaking during the photos just because my emotions were just everywhere.As bad as pre's was (and tbh, it probably wasn't even that bad...im just overanalysing it), P's dad was really adorable and friendly, and i even kissed his mum hello who was nothing at all of what i expected she seemed so nice!
The limo was mint. like omfg so much fun, more shots and P got drunk and he was singing and laughing and just so much fun. I got to know his best mate L a bit who i think might like me despite all the disgusted looks he gave me because of my lack of knowledge in shm and cars. But yeah i was slightly tipsy too, and with P was just racing and it was just so funny.
When we did get to brighton the boys finished off the drinks so P was even more drunk but oh he was so funny. He was talking at like 100km/h introducing me to everyone we passed (yeah they could tell P was drunk). He started getting really personal and stuff too.He told me about this huge fight with his mum and brother and that he cried about it and wow he really opened up.
WE SLOW DANCED!! haha and he was the one who asked me to as well!! but it was all romantic or anything, we were really chill about it and we just talked and he mentioned my formal and how he was nervous for it and stuff.... (this was the moment i decided i will get him drunk at our pres). this was about 2/3 through the night? and for the last bit P turned into the complete opposite. All his energy was zapped out of him and he just looked so tired and even though we dance it was kinda boring dancing and i dunno, it was great BUT i had such a good time with drunk P it kinda made up for it.
End of the night, i kissed him on the cheek...had he still been slightly tipsy i think it would have been a proper kiss but it was too bad. We hugged alot, and held hands a lot and he put his arms around my waist alot and it was nice....i dont really see a kiss happening at my formal either but if he at least has fun it will be ok.
ok the worst bit of the night. P left before my coz whitney called her mum late, so we ended up having to wait an hour. i didn't hear my phone at all but P had left 2 missed calls and a text, because apparently he and his dad drove back to get me (his dad called my dad to make sure i was okay). Ugh i only saw the call half an hour after he made it, so who knows how long they waited for me!! i just felt so so so so so awful :/
Turns out not only W's mum came but her dad and ammi and appachchi too. they had all been at aunty B's house so after getting picked at 12, we went back to W's house got change, then went home. The whole time i was texting P apologizing and just talking about the situation with aunty B and he tried comforting me in a weird way i think, which was nice BUT alas it was a freindsy text message again. ugh i dont even know.
Now for the few photos i did take.