How will I ever know i'm enough? How will I ever know, that what I'm putting in is more than I need to give to succeed and be happy with life? Today I have done nothing but study, around 7 hours and I know there are plenty others who have done nothing because of chorals/lack of commitment. I feel like I'm trying, but at the same time feel like whatever I do, it's not enough. Even now at 9.48, I feel like I should be working even though my brain probably won't even be able to handle anything I try to learn.
How will I know,that I am skinny enough, that I am pretty enough, that I am smart enough, that I am likable enough? How am I supposed to know what I want to do with the future, when I don't even know what I am doing now? I feel like I'm, just constantly surrounded by a sea of uncertainty and although I am one who lives for change, this is an uneasiness I am really struggling to handle. Things have definitely been worse in my life, and although the feelings I have now are an improvement, the plateau I've reached makes me think I will never quite be at ease ever again. At ease with myself, with my ability and my capability. I feel that any sense I had before of who I am has being spun around and twisted leaving me with a completely convoluted shape, that I have no idea how to straighten out.
I just want to feel sure of something again. To have something certain to hold onto that I know will remain the way it is despite the ascertainment that fills every crevice in the room.
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