new goal: will learn how to shuffle



and also try not to have dreams about P asking me to formal.

why am I awake?

the party yesterday ended at four, and my body clock woke me up at eight
its the 3rd day of holidays
why.

the deets

YESTERDAY

- spent 45 minutes looking for wonderbao, when I found it, I bought Da pork bun - totally worht the 45 minutes

- went to the MC garden and worked for 1h30 then got distracted when all these macrob/mhs year 9 kids came along.... I could smell the hormones coming from them

- went back to school and helped with chorals make up

- WATCHED CHORALS!

- would have had the most amazing amazing night BECAUSE WE FUCKING WON!!!! BUT A made me, P and N leave early because she was going to get fucking in trouble with her parents and her sister had some stupid meeting and since she was our ride we had to go. WE DIDNT EVEN SEE K DANCE!! and I didn't get to hug T or H :(

TODAY

- had my french oral..... I think it went ok??

- had french convo class were we corrected our essays.... P had like 3 mistakes in her whole essay.... I had 7 in just one sentence -.-

- was supposed to go to Lindt with G and P and others but i cbs so i got breadtop and went home in a somewhat shitty mood

- been procrastinating the whoooollle night

- found out appachchi was made redundant.... he seems fine with it, but I find it pretty scary

- ate subway and a muesli bad for dessert and now i feel like im going to explode

You suck and I hate you








why do you make me feel this way.

ugh no no no no

- why did i say that

- its happening again

- i'm going to screw it up

- why am i not you

- you're a lot better at it than i thought

bad feels. really bad feels.

HAHAHAAH THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER

- just came back from J's concert and omg she was so so so so so so so amazing, like I was so proud and so jealous at the same time, I also realised I actually miss dancing
- saw K there and somehow the topic of asians came up and he was like "what is with all these curries into asians now, P, my brother...." ugh I really really reallyyyyy dont like the sound of that :/
- have done next to nothing this weekend in terms of work, despite the fact i have a sac this thursday and a realllly hard chem test wednesday
- K called me and she is still so indecisive about taking a partner to formal, i swear if she doesn't im going to like defriend her.
- I just really want to see him/

today.

Pros

• french excursion, at the crepe place QUARMA won the french game so we got a really fancy delicious crepe
• englang all we did was scattergories and eat chocolate
• saw M and N and they were nice
• good train ride, like super talkative and stuff
• P's house were we made pizza's and bruchetta and had choc ripple pudding, played more scattergories and taboo with her mum who is just the cutest
• P got snapchat and we were vibering and stuff after he shaved his head today for world's greatest shave and he actually doesnt look THAT bad, like just a lot older and really hardcore

cons

• the movie was so fucking confusing and just boring
• A wasn't allowed to come to P's
• M said my glasses looked shit
• i've eaten so much shit today and i feel the fat just growing on my body
• i look shit in most of the photos

i think the pros outway the cons :)

today was my last sac (well i have one next week too but it feels like this is my last one) for the term, and I wish I could say it went amazing but I can't. It didn't go awful thankfully, but it didn't go really great either. I just hope the lucky streak I've had with englang in the past is still with me this year (yn)
So I think i have talked to P today, more than i have in the past week, we were texting, fb messaging AND vibering at the same time. I had planned on doing all this work tonight, to make up for the lost time this weekend and all the work I neglected due to sac prep....lol no. Ah well at least I tried.
P also wants me to wag spesh with her tomorrow to grab breakfast with N, I want to but I have this really stupid feeling if I go, karma will get me and I will get a low mark for englang :/  I dont even know -.-

today

• french sac done
• methods sac done
• yo and me after school where i got a cup of frozen yogurt which both looked and tasted like icecream...
• new glasses
• englang revision, tbh, im not even revising properly.... i dont think anything i do will help, its more of a "wing it" situation :S

lol what? :P

I'm so disappointed by him. I completely trusted him with something that was obviously making me anxious and scared, and he pretty much brushed it off. I confided in you for a reason.
ugh I feel shit, and I have two sacs tomorrow, and i haven't finished my practice englang sac and omg, I'm so tired. fml

ugh trenchy just sent me back my marks for my practise sac, i got 15.5/20. So close to an A, man that is all I want, but I dunno if i can get it. I was really happy with the essay I sent her, and I dont know whether i can write any better. i now feel stupid and like crap. I havent been working hard enough, i know i havent. I dont know whats wrong with me, i try studying but i just feel like im fluffing around and getting distracted all the time. God please just get me through this week please. A's in every subject (expect spesh) and i swear i will be eternally grateful. Please let me feel good about something.

I feel like writing something deep and meaningful

How will I ever know i'm enough? How will I ever know, that what I'm putting in is more than I need to give to succeed and be happy with life? Today I have done nothing but study, around 7 hours and I know there are plenty others who have done nothing because of chorals/lack of commitment. I feel like I'm trying, but at the same time feel like whatever I do, it's not enough. Even now at 9.48, I feel like I should be working even though my brain probably won't even be able to handle anything I try to learn.
How will I know,that I am skinny enough, that I am pretty enough, that I am smart enough, that I am likable enough? How am I supposed to know what I want to do with the future, when I don't even know what I am doing now? I feel like I'm, just constantly surrounded by a sea of uncertainty and although I am one who lives for change, this is an uneasiness I am really struggling to handle. Things have definitely been worse in my life, and although the feelings I have now are an improvement, the plateau I've reached makes me think I will never quite be at ease ever again. At ease with myself, with my ability and my capability. I feel that any sense I had before of who I am has being spun around and twisted leaving me with a completely convoluted shape,  that I have no idea how to straighten out.
I just want to feel sure of something again. To have something certain to hold onto that I  know will remain the way it is despite the ascertainment that fills every crevice in the room.

t'day

• caught the train with P, N, K and A. Its kinda sad how much distant A and I have gotten, over that whole hook up fiasco, we used to be such good friends
• trenchy had to leave P2 halfway, so i was able to ice P's cake and write "shitty" on it with chochips, but it was really sad coz you could barely see them, coz the icing was brown too :(
• Bitched about S and K during form, because K came late to recess and didn't put up P's poster til' like half way throught the day and S wasn't even there for the cake. Both of them had no excuse, and i just think its a shit think to do for you friends birthday, especially since its the last one we'll have together
• had a meeting with ms howe,and i was slightly nervous if it would be awkward at all (i've never really done the whole one on one thing with school teachers) but it was fine. I also discovered that she has the lightest eye's i have ever seen
• had this curriculem reviewl think at lunch with N and after we went to the common room where everyone was. Toally awkward between me and S, and we both knew it.
• decided im going to do my all to stop myself and others from using "gay" and a negative adjective
• did like 3 1/2 hourish of maths, so quite happy
• had pizza for dinner, and don't even feel bad about it
• it has been above 30 for like 10 days in a row, i feel so bad, for having the air con on 24/7 :/

ok so this long weekend I have stayed at home the whole time and studied, but it was the type of study that i feel productive after you know? the weather has been so hot these past couple of days, so even doing one thing takes me hours. About 4 hours ago, I felt somewhat ready for all my sacs (except spesh) and now for some reason, I don't feel ready for any one them, I've done 2 practice sacs for French both im sure are littered with mistakes, but hopefully are okay content wise. I have done so so so much englang in the past 2 days, and I feel like i understand what most of the terms mean, but i still feel unsure about when to apply them. Everyone else seems to have a good idea what they about what they are doing, but i still feel lost. I wish we were given a practice sac so i can kinda imagine how things are going to go, but by the looks of it, the first sac is going to be my first attempt, and therefore im expecting an awful score :/ Methods im terms of "essentials" i've got down pat, but in terms with checkpoints, not to much :/ It's not like im completely lost, but i just want to be able to do this sac and completely own. And of course spesh. I know I am able to completely forget about spesh and no one would care, but its just not in my nature. There is so much I dont understand, and when i try to study for it i just feel like im wasting my time. I know if i really tried i could probably get a 30 for spesh, but is it worth wasting time for a 30, when i could concentrate on my other subjects? i dunno :/
ugh i still have a week, and this long weekend. Hopefully the weather will cool down and I can really hardcore and see how things go.

formal dresses to keep my eye on

http://www.lipsy.co.uk/store/party-dresses/lipsy-halter-embellished-maxi-dress/product-is-JD02317_031

http://www.lipsy.co.uk/store/dresses/lipsy-cowl-neck-glitter-maxi-dress/product-is-JD02296_031

http://www.missselfridge.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=1&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33055&storeId=12554&productId=7811830&langId=-1&sort_field=Price%20Ascending&categoryId=222492&parent_categoryId=208100&pageSize=40

http://www.missselfridge.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=41&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33055&storeId=12554&productId=9517163&langId=-1&sort_field=Price%20Ascending&categoryId=222492&parent_categoryId=208100&pageSize=40

http://www.missselfridge.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=1&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33055&storeId=12554&productId=7839480&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=222489&parent_categoryId=208100&pageSize=40

http://www.missselfridge.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&langId=-1&storeId=12554&catalogId=33055&parent_categoryId=208035&categoryId=208092&productId=8439769

http://www.asos.com/au/Religion/Religion-Olsen-Maxi-Dress/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=2567711&cid=8799&Rf981=3680&sh=0&pge=5&pgesize=20&sort=3&clr=Black

http://www.allyfashion.com/store/new-arrivals/27523-dd0140-1w.html

stalking Q's blog, and her last post is this huge rant with fuck as every second word about how much she hates herself. How she thinks she is "fat". I really want to say something, but 1) they'd find out what a fucking stalker i am and 2) what do I say? telling her she is beautiful, that she has a body i would absolutely die for, that she is so skinny that it makes me want to cry, wont do anything. She won't believe it. I understand what she is going through, as it does through my head every other day, but it just goes to show how out of wack our perception of ourselves can get. I just dont want her to go down that road. She is talking just like someone i used to be and who i see owning thinspo'son tumblr. I know her sister had an ED... surely someone at home can see the signs?

cute tutor boy said bye to me first

Malshi you are like so totally in.

things with P have been really good. We talk so much more often, even texting now too :D He wished me a good time for Ed, while he was away on camp... i mean that isn't something he has to do right? I mean as a friend, and all.... oawirglsdjhgs i don't know. The whole formal situation just comes up again. I want him to ask me so so so bad, but fuck, what if im not even allowed to go? IF HE EVEN ASKS ME!

ED FUCKING SHEERAN!

It started off horrible, we got to the hall 2 hours before gates opened and there was already so many people there, we were sitting in the sun in line getting black, dehydrated and worrying about were we would be in the mosh. Once we got inside, we started getting excited, but then when everyone stood up and ran, and the mosh actually formed... it was ridiculous  Everyone was pushing each other  it was hot, sticky and I couldn't breath. I could barely see the stage, and struggle to hold on to J and couldn't even see S. J wanted to get out and just go to the back (we were somewhat near the front) and just forget about it, but i couldn't. I had to stick it out just to see ed. One song I told her, one song and then we would leave. Then he came on. I didn't realise how excited I would be, it was fucking ridiculous, the atmosphere was amazing, people stopped pushing so hard... guards were spraying water everywhere to try keep us somewhat cool (didn't work) and just Ed. He was just so so so so amazing, and I was less than 5 meters away from him. I will never go into a mosh again, but even if I had heard Ed sing "give me love" and then leave, everything I had gone through in the day would have been worth it. One of the best nights of my life.

i've felt like ive barely worked this whole weekend, but here is everything i have done

• 3 exercises of spesh
• my french tutor hw
• englang hurdle
• french essay
• umat practise exam
• chem tutor
• chapter 4 chem questions
• french hw
• and french/eng lang reading

it does seem like i've done alot, but I feel like i've done nothing :/ i also think im coming down with something, which hopefully will be gone by tomorrow because TUESDAY IS BLOODY ED SHEERAN!!! finally getting excited because transport is somewhat organised :D