Beautiful Intelligent Capable women

A new beginning?

So officially, today was the first day of year 12, but tbh, it didnt really feel like it because the entire day (the rest of the week for that matter) is just excursions. Today we were at melb uni were we listened to lectures and things and got an absolutely fantastic lunch (huge ass sandwich, sushi, fruit, chocolate, muffin and juice) and got to talk to first year uni students about their courses. Surprisingly  dentistry has a higher atar than med, and also surprisingly i found the most interesting course being radiography (or something along those lines) which is in the health department (along with physio, optometry etc). Its now got me thinking about all the other possibilities for careers I actually do have available.

I forgot how hard chem was.

just came back from intense one on one chem tutor where he was basically going on about how amazing N at chem, and that she is pretty much going to get into med. Me on the other hand "has some work to do" olweialrktkt not helping with my current emotional state

just got my timetable and my frees are the worst! as lame as it is, the main thing I'm sad about is that if P ever comes to the city, he will most likely never get to see me because I start and finish school at normal school time, pretty much everyday :( But even more than that, seeing how much more free time people who did two subjects have is just so depressing. I have more work to do and less time to do it.
I am so scared for this year.

now to explain all that emotion

So yesterday was the T20 match SL vs AUS (evidement) which started at 7.30 but a whole bunch of us - J,V,V,C,A,S,P,N,D and P went a couple hours early to grab lunch and chill. This part tbh, wasn't that great just because we were pretty bored and I hardly got to talk to P, but when we went to strike, P went to the toilet leaving P standing awkwardly alone, o I went over to talk to him (much to V and V's pleasure). It was quite awkward and there was a lot of silence's because we had no idea what to say to each other, but it wasn't for too long because we were all headin got the MCG anyway. Sine i was walking with P to the venue, I ended up sitting with him too :D we were there 2 hours early so we could get good seats (too keen I know) so we were pretty bored for the majority of the time. But this boredom led to conversation between me and P that wasn't awkward therefore, i'm not going to complain about.
And then it was the same shiz as last match, but more, well technically there was less poking because I had P on my other side and he was more fun to annoy, but I dunno, cute shit like slapping each's leg softly, bumping into each playfully, wrapping the flag around each other's head...actually figuring out a system to hold the flag properly :P But what really made me smile was when it started to rain. Everyone was getting up to move undercover but we didn't want to lose our pretty good seats, so we decided to stick it out. P was getting soaked (I was wearing my bro's hoodie) so I was playfully trying to shield him from the rain, and then when the rain stopped, he used the flag to try wipe dry my seat for me (like a gentleman ;P). Then we started complaining about smelling bad and I mentioned how damp my brother's hoodie felt, and P grabbed my hand in both of his and rubbed it affectionately as if trying to use friction to make it warm. As the night went on, it grew colder, and P not having a jumper started to shiver occasionally, which made me "awwww" and try use my hand to rubbed against his and make him warm, but somehow (i don't know who did what tbh) we ended up with linked arms for a good portion of the end of the match. HE HAS NEVER BEEN THIS FORWARD BEFORE!!!! When we had our victorious win we were jumping and shouting about, and more than anything I wanted to hug him and just be happy BUT what S said was still in the back of my mind ("you looked like you were infatuated with him, you were staring at him so intensely he like had to look away") so I didn't want to be pushy, but I had to leave straight after we won, because appachchi told me too, and when he saw where i was sitting (inbetween two boys) he did not look happy. So i gave P a tight hug (probs the most meaningful we've had so far) and left (actually had to pass him again twice which was awkward but you know).

ugh I just can't handle this, I really can't.

KILLING ME SOFTLY

I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM

w'rpigjtaer/lkjzvol jf;poujrz.gkhd.golr im so excited for tomorrow

shoe porn

forever new $60

Payless $29

forever new $60

rubi $28

Rubi $28

$28

tony bianco $60

i was supposed to go to sleep like half an hour ago because i'm so exhausted after swimming, but his messages are keeping me awake.

went swimming for the first time in like 6 years. Proper swimming, like laps and stuff, not that making around you do in the beach. It felt so good so feel so fluid and light in the water and god I can't believe it took me this long to go to Oasis again. I swam about 1.5km (dammit why did I decide i wanted to get toned, right before school started when I know I'm not going to have time) and for about 1km as lame as it is, I just thought about P the whole time. It was actually a really good way to clear my head but I'm im getting nervous for monday now.... what if I get completely let down, because it doesn't go as well as the last match?? And another thing is I can't help looking for cheap dresses for his formal. HE PROBABLY ISN'T EVEN GOING TO ASK ME! why am i doing this to myself? seriously I am going to be crushed when he takes some hot skinny asian and rejected that he didn't ask me. Even now I can't help checking facebook every 5 minutes to see if he has replied to my message. It's pathetic.

been awhile

there is something wrong with me legit.

• biggest fucking stalk session, went from N's blog, to Q's then discovered all these random asians blogs aswell as J's where i spent a good half an hour on. I need to get out more. But nah, I realised her life isn't as perfect as it seems, she goes through a lot more personal crap than i ever thought she did (self hard, self doubt, all that jazz) make you think you know? LOL and also felt uber special being in a couple of her photos :D
• I love you so much and you don't even know.
• school is in a week. A fucking week. I'm not ready, not mentally ready for the stress, the pressure, the chaos that this year is going to bring. I know I underestimate my self all the time, but when I look ahead with all the crap I have to do - umat, 5 extremely hard subjects, balancing some sort of a social life, keeping skinny, looking pretty, being good enough for everyone else's standards in general.... I just don't know how I'm going to cope. It all just seems so surreal. This is my last year of highschool, like wtf? how is that even happening?
• how can I weigh just over 45kgs giving me a BMI of 17 which is considered underweight, yet still have thunder thighs and a huge ass. please fat just travel to my boobs.
• my body shape sucks.

YES YES YES YES YES

HE'S COMING TO THE CRICKET, HE'S COMING TO THE CRICKET :D

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm unsure and I'm longing.
I want to sleep, I want to eat, I want you to win and I want you to say you want me.

COME ON NOVAK COME ON YOU CAN DO IT!

went out to the city with V, V, B, A, D and his random mate and was later joined by K and also bumped into P, B, S, G, I and a couple other randoms here and there. I would be lying if I said it was the most fun outing to the city i've been too, because the initial plan of DFO was ditched because of V and V's indecisiveness (It is actually ridiculous) so we ended up just staying at mc for like 4 hours. Very chill, and B and A were cute as, and also K doesn't seemed to be pissed at me despite the way he acted at the tsfx lecture which is good, but ugh trains were a nightmare. J was being a complete dick and naturally ammi and appachchi took his side and were angry at me despite the fact I was trying to do good by J and yeah, got the silent treatment from dad and yelled at by ammi. On the phone they seemed alot madder than they were in real life but still, I hate the fact that they don't listen to me.

she cut it too short, way too short FUCK I AM SO ANGRY, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IT LOOKS SO BAD, I TOLD YOU WHAT FUCKING LENGTH I WANT BUT YOU CUT IT LIKE 1.5 INCHES SHORTER. IM SO FUCKING PISSED, WHY THEY FUCK WOULD YOU FUCK UP MY HAIR LIKE THAT. omg i am like crying right now, seriously wish i never went to cut my hair, i would have survived the split ends, at least my hair looked good. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK :(

emotions suck

I hate this, how my emotions are so completely tied with his actions. How the smallest thing can take me from one extreme to the other. I feel like I have bipolar or something, I can't handle this, I've done this for too long, I can't keep putting myself through this. If I tell him and he says no, well maybe I'd be able to move on? but any chance of friendship would be gone and if I tell him and he says yes, well I will be so unbelievably happy, I don't even think I could imagine, but year 12. I have come to far to let a boy however much he might mean to me  to get in the way. I have my crush come back full throttle and i can barely concentrate, imagine if we actually had a relationship? and how would it work? we go to schools in complete opposite locations, if we were to meet, we'd have to make time specifically for it...time I could be sing for something more useful.

Slapped right across the face

these feeling are back, so strong. Just thinking about him makes me smile and wriggle in delight. I just ugh, its been over 3 years, for someone to still have this control over me, I just don't understand. How can it even be possible to like someone this much. I'm not sure like is even the word anymore. It's been too much for too long. Do I love him?

the cricket

So today was amazing for one thing and one thing only...P. We sat together for about 4 or 5 hours and owarihglskrjghlaeirtya ugh, why are we seriously not together? A lot of the time we didn't know what to say/ had nothing to say but we just ending up poking each other or tickling each other and just other cute stuff, like companionable silence with a touch of awkward if that makes sense? We sat really close, and shared the flag as a use of a shield against the cold and the sun and ugh it was just great. I NEED TO CONVINCE HIM TO COME TO THE 20TWENTY! other notable mentions.
- B and A totally hit it off, went and sat alone for a couple hours and everything!
- saw N, S, M, K, D, L and N nice catching up :)
- saw A at the station, fuck awkward and then he texted me asking if there were spare seats near me, I lied and said no. Then when the match was over I saw him again, and I could tell he wanted to talk but i was with apachchi so it was too weird, so I just smiled and hurried away. LOL this friendship is not going smoothly
- nearly puked because of how hot it was, sitting in that intense heat and despite my best effort I still got dark, but it's only a shade or two, so I guess it could have been worse
- D and V were having a kinda fight :/ LOL I also found out her first kiss was at the carpark the day we went bowling :P
- weighed myself like an hour before and was 44.3kg lowest i've been i think despite the fatty roti for breakfast, sugary snacks and subway for lunch.....I allowed myself to eat a muesli bar just now because of it

just watched the perks of being a wallflower

holy shit it is amazing, they captured the book perfectly. it is just... i can't even.

I WENT TO J'S HOUSE, HIS FREAKN HOUSE... J WHO EVERYONE THINKS IS AMAZING, CUTE AND WAS FORMER MHS SCHOOL CAPTAIN!, I WAS IN HIS FREAKN HOUSE. yes true it was for umat classes with his sister BUT WTH what a coincidence! I was dressed relatively well, because as i was getting dressed I joked to myself about my tutor having a cute brother.... I DIDNT THINK IT WOULD HAPPEN! and J of all people aliurhflk,jfvs;eg hahah I can't believe it. I don't know whether to tell the others though.... i'm a selfish bitch I know, but ugh it will come out eventually.

went shopping AGAIN today, but only bought a long sleeve top (in terms or clothes that is), using my own money I bought a completely random huge ass black marker from typo, a fuchsia blush and some awful rub on stickers. I counted my money today and i have just under $300. And with plans for lunch, waffles and movies, that is probably going to reduce even more. That means these holidays, I've spent around $150ish. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!? ok no matter what, I will not have less than $250 when school starts, if this year turns out how I want it too be, (numerous formal invites) I'm going to need all the money I can get.

today.

lol so appachchi dropped my off at dandy plaza today with a $50 and I spent 3 hours roaming around by myself and bought a black skater skirt from kmart ( FINALLY a size 6), a dress from cocolatte, moisturiser from kmart (coconut scented), bobby pins and a pair of bright blue jeans from jayjays which i will probably return because they make me look fat :/ They only just fit (size 6) and make my hips look so wide, plus the colour is so hard to work with, i went through my wardrobe and only have two tops the jeans look half decent with. which reminds me I HAVE to stop shopping for clothes now...like legit, I now have plenty! I felt bad though, because I was out for 4 hours and didnt do work, but work tally of the day consists of
- 1h30 umat
- spesh chap review
- french writing draft
- eng lang reading

ok so I didn't do that much, but I cancelled on J tomorrow, for sometime next week, so i'll be able to catch up. tomorrow I will.
- 1h30 - 2h umat
- french writing
- eng lang reading
- french news
- subjunctive practise
- chem textbook reading
- start brainstorming for my eng lang essay

ok, so it's not a completely undoable list, leaving plenty of room for supernatural and ACTUALLY makeing applesauce muffins. come on, let me be proactive tomorrow (yn)