I remember the first time I found a thinspo. The way my heart raced when i saw the pictures of skeletons covered tightly by a thin layer of skin, and nothing else. I remember how shocked, scared and I hate to say it, a little mesmerized I was. I remember even after I closed the blog, I couldn't stop thinking about it for hours.
Now.
I went on a thinspo (yes I know bad idea) and rather than any of the feelings I used to have, I just feel sad. Sad that there are so many people out there, emaciated and full of never ending sadness and despair. I know that my eating habits are still weird, that my weight is probably not where it should be and that my meal portions are not exactly perfect, but wow I really have come a long way. To see a thinspo again and not get triggered, but rather understand the absurdity behind it? It's a bit step.
And even though I know half my blog is about him anyway, I think P does have a bit to do with it. I know subconsciously all my efforts now to get abs/be fit are just so he can find me attractive, which i know is awful. That i'm changing myself for a boy? But at least it's a change for a better, a change that makes me healthier rather than focusing on losing weight. But what really makes me think he's helped me, is that as soon as I got off the thinspo, I got a facebook message from him. Pure coincidence and it had nothing to do with what I was looking at, but seeing that message brought this instantaneous smile to my face and replaced the sadness and sorry inside me with... happiness I guess. It even crossed my mind for a fleeting second "I've got him and that's all that matters" as lame as it sounds, but it's true. The self hate has minimized because if my underlying hopes and suspicions are correct, he DOES like me...If he likes me it wont be because he can see my ribs or my hip bones, it will be for other reasons, and those reasons are the reasons I should like myself for too.