today

• absolutely fucking freezing like actually so so so cold, which means im probably bailing on the run around albert park lake idea :/
• got my chem sac back and I only JUST got an A but I'm surprisingly pleased because it means i got almost 20% above the average mark
• had some stupid course selection lecture thing after school which was just a waste of time but did however highlight that enter scores come out 16th of december..... ITS SO CLOSE! and also I have to know whats courses I want ti do by August...lol shit
• got breadtop after, in the first time after months
• am being super chill with schoolwork atm because of my lack of sacs, but i really should be getting shit done while I have the time
• the abs are actually coming along nicely... the line down the middle is becoming more defined and i was able to hit the 3 minute mark with the plank and still do 120 sit ups after
• Despite crying over him last night, I feel a bit better about P after he sent a message today. I didn't expect him to send anything until after he got back from camp but he surprised me o say the least...... ugh its so pathetic how he can be in my good books again after such a small action after making me cry over a boy for the first time and making me feel shit for the majority of the day. It's not fucking fair.

TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TO TALK ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME


I need to wish a you safe trip :/

Hi Malshi, 
As you probably know, I spend an inane amount of time thinking and I was just thinking about how considerate, thoughtful and compassionate you are- I just had to let you know because I know I'll forget by tomorrow! I really do find your unconditional kindness so, so admiral- you're always making sure people are ok but you're never overbearing or patronising and you certainly aren't obliged to do it.
Anyway- just letting you know you really are quite special and someone to really look up to. Have a beautiful night (studying for methods) x.

I remember the first time I found a thinspo. The way my heart raced when i saw the pictures of skeletons covered tightly by a thin layer of skin, and nothing else. I remember how shocked, scared and I hate to say it, a little mesmerized I was. I remember even after I closed the blog, I couldn't stop thinking about it for hours.
Now.
I went on a thinspo (yes I know bad idea) and rather than any of the feelings I used to have, I just feel sad. Sad that there are so many people out there, emaciated and full of never ending sadness and despair. I know that my eating habits are still weird, that my weight is probably not where it should be and that my meal portions are not exactly perfect, but wow I really have come a long way. To see a thinspo again and not get triggered, but rather understand the absurdity behind it? It's a bit step.
And even though I know half my blog is about him anyway, I think P does have a bit to do with it. I know subconsciously all my efforts now to get abs/be fit are just so he can find me attractive, which i know is awful. That i'm changing myself for a boy? But at least it's a change for a better, a change that makes me healthier rather than focusing on losing weight. But what really makes me think he's helped me, is that as soon as I got off the thinspo, I got a facebook message from him. Pure coincidence and it had nothing to do with what I was looking at, but seeing that message brought this instantaneous smile to my face and replaced the sadness and sorry inside me with... happiness I guess. It even crossed my mind for a fleeting second "I've got him and that's all that matters" as lame as it sounds, but it's true. The self hate has minimized because if my underlying hopes and suspicions are correct, he DOES like me...If he likes me it wont be because he can see my ribs or my hip bones, it will be for other reasons, and those reasons are the reasons I should like myself for too.

aiuerghla,wuhg;elirut lher I'm just so so so so frustrated, I have spent weeks and weeks trying to find the perfect dresses, and when I find them I spend weeks and weeks trying to buy them. What if it still doesn't work?? PLEASE GOD! you already kinda skimped on the A+ for englang (dw I'm still happy though) and worst still C didn't get the scholarship which is just fucking wrong, but please can everything please go ok for the rest??
- methods sac result
- chem sac result
- aunty B
- methods sac
- spesh sac
- buy my formal dress
- P,P,P,P,P


pretty please?

I JUST WANT TO BUY MY FORMAL DRESS DAMMIT!!

today.

- pretty much planned out everyone's formal night today with N on the train, ie who everyone is taking, what table they would sit at and possible afters. Now we just need to tell the rest of the group :P

 - went out to breakfast with N,A,and G. We were supposed to go to the earl canteen but we couldn't find it so we just went to the nearest cafe which actually turned out to be really good. I got french toast which tasted great but was fucking hugeeeeee.

- LOL gat, omfg I need to work on my essay skills so bad. (highlight though, i used the word ostracized and pertinent but i just realised i spelt it wrong -.-)

 - went to chemist warehouse to get myself a concelor, but fuck me im too black for all of them, so i just ended up getting liquid eyeliner instead

- things with P seem okay?? kinda?? :S i dunno, still so unsure and waiting for a soul crushing text from W

- WAS SO CLOSE TO ACTUALLY BUYING MY FORMAL DRESS! but no, hopefully tomorrow!!

- i have my chem sac tomorrow and even though i barely studied for it today, i feel pretty ready, i dunno i just hope i do well :/

- also realised i'll be getting methods and englang sacs back tomorrow too.........PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LORD, MY FAVOURITE SUBJECTS PLEASE A+'S PLEASE !!!!!

- also lord one more favor....actually two. the first, please please please give C the scholarship, she deserves it so so so so so much and she is just so amazing, lovely and unique, she really needs it, and secondly please make aunty B ok. I know you can't take away the cancer, i'm not asking for a miracle.... just less pain and less worry. More optimism and more hope. let her live to see R's wedding, please.

oh malshi you stupid over attached teenager

whilst i'm silently dying from rejection, aunty B is actually dying from cancer. Which just makes me feel more shit about myself for being so fucking ungrateful and stupid. And emphasis on stupid because hey guess who has a chem sac in two days, but is sitting her writing on her blog and playing on her ipod? yeah thats right, me. ugh and tomorrow's GAT and im actually kinda worried because they keep emphasising how important it is, and we have to write 2 essays in 30 minutes and i stuggle to write an essay in a fucking day and omg i don't even know. Everything just feel so.... wrong/not right/uneasy/shit. I just want to lie in bed listening to sad music and eat/sleep.

also as a side note, as well as praying for aunty B, C HAS to get this scholarship. She finds out if she gets into the next round tomorrow, and honestly i just pray so hard that she will.

it still hurts, After three days, I still feel a hole in my stomach everytime I think of him. All I can think about is maybe the reason he is taking so long to reply to my messages is because he is talking to her. That all of a sudden our messages are so boring and he just wants to reply to her. What am I supposed to do? I know it's highly likely that everything could be just fine, that everything is how it was last week but I can't shake this feeling. I can't help thinking he doesn't want me anymore.

I'm in a total state of confusion

I feel like crap. I don't know what to do. What if something happened at the party? That any feelings P had for me are now totally confused with what he feels for her. It's killing me. I love him so so so so much and for him to be unsure how he feels about me? It just hurts so much.

just saw a photo that P was tagged in with his ex girlfriend laying on his chest. I have no idea what to make of it, like  I want to burst out crying, but at the same time, they could just be really good friends.
I mean he did ask me to formal....... but wth, how often do you completely lose your feelings for someone you once had a thing with. I feel like my whole inside is burning, I want to cry but I can't. omg I don't know what to do.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW 2ND IN HOUSE DRAMA!!!!

ok so I have finally decided on my formal dresses (for mine as well as P's) but am so so so so scared that the actually process of buying them screw up. Appachchi is being paranoid and not letting me just use his credit card which is the much faster and simpler option. Instead its going through his bank account, and will take 3 days to transfer IF IT EVEN DOES! I'm in this state of limbo where I don't know whether i've bought the dresses or not, which is freaking me out, because if size 6 gets sold out I will actually die.