thoughts

• ugh i really dont like SRC that much, I feel like I am being forced to buy a T-shirt i dont even want (i'd rather buy the form jumper) and all that "SRC family" crap just seems so fake
• so so so so much money and asking to do. 2 birthdays, annual ball, nipsican night, src top (dammit) and of course schoolies :/
• auditioned for house drama... don't know whether that was a good idea or not, what if its just too much stress?
• i just want to watch games of thrones tbh, but one episode goes for 1 hour, and im not letting myself waste that much time
• love me love me love me love me please

It happened again. In the space of 10 minutes my mood has absolutely plummeted. I feel like absolute crap.Finding out more about P and other girls, more resistance against schoolies, fighting and yelling...it's just crap. I weight less than 45kgs. I know that i should be eating more, but what am I having for dinner? half an apple and a packet of mini rice cakes...100 calories if im lucky. Now i'm not eating because I feel fat, I'm not eating because I feel shit and I feel like I dont deserve food. That's not to say, if ammi and apachchi come home with chocolate, ice-cream and scones i wont eat it. No. I will probably eat too much. It's on either end of the spectrum. Either I eat nothing at all and go to extreme lengths to make it seem like i've eaten..like making dishes purposefully dirty, "remolding" rice to make it look like i've taken a decent amount... or I eat absolute crap that i know isn't giving my body any nutrients and only adding fat. I just feel so so so so bad.i just want to curl up and cry, but I cant even cry properly... it's like im forcing the tears... like im trying to get rid of the feeling with the 3 or 4 tears that run down my cheek, but I can't. Its still there. Even when i can't feel it, it's there. Always just lurking waiting to pounce and drag me down to make me feel like this. I just want and need stability. Not knowing what is going to happen in driving my insane and making me think the worse and thus feel worse also. I don't know what to do.

another "why the fuck is my life so boring" mood

i just want to go to parties, dress up, dance and get drunk like a skunk

Appachchi said no to schoolies, and said i can only go if ammi says yes.
the chance of that happening to next to nothing.
even A and G are allowed to go. I'm the only one not allowed,
I feel like absolute shit.

if he doesnt reply in two hours, today will be the first day we haven't talked to each other everyday for about 6 months.

please reply (yn)

47/50 ON MAH ENGLANG SAC BITCHESSSSSS THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!1

aside from spending way way way to much time looking for formal dresses, I really hope I do well for my englang sac which im most probably getting back tomorrow.

please

please

please

I really enjoy englang, and knowing im decent enough to get an A would just be absolutely amazing and only want me to do even better in the subject. ohhhhh im so nervous :/

I JUST WANT TO FIND MY FORMAL DRESS DAMMIT!!!

the last few days

• FUCKING 19.5/20 FOR MA FRENCH SAC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so totally unexpected, I'm thrilled of course, but also kinda of scared because i know the only reason I did so well was because it was over two days and I got A to check/rewrite most of it :/ ah well at least my next sac wont make my average to low
• had the chem sac wednesday and it was okay, but today at tutor I realised i've already lost 3 marks.... fuck me :/
• the search for the perf formal dress is taking over my life. It really is.
• felt shit at dancing for the first time in aggggeessssss. I was seperated from the group doing basics and he told me to come on friday with the other juniors from now on because the seniors will be practising for a massive performance. why am i so shit?
• i need money, more more money. class hoodie, varsity, formal, 18th's, annual ball, src t-shirt, tattoo's, schoolies ALL NEED MONEY THAT I AIN'T HAVE!!!
• taking advantage of the fact i have no immediate sacs to worry about wayyyy to much. I have so much work to do, yet here I am blogging and half way through geordie shore season 5
• I feel like i've lost it again with P. I dont even know, maybe its just because we don't see each other enough? I know that's what happened with A and B, but.... me and P have been going for 3 years already... why now?? and tbh, we have seen each other in social gatherings way more this year than previous ones..... 2 cricket matches, lankan new year and (if he can come) N's party in 3 weeks. I knot its defs not a lot, but considering its only mid april, and I only saw him around 3 times all of last year... it's not too bad. ugh i just don't know :/

today.

• train delay by like half an hour yay.
• cake stall were we pretty much sold out and raised like $150 for charity!!! it did really shock me how cheap some girls are at our school, actually haggling for 20c
• chem sac after school was okay, a couple questions were a bit confusing but time wise i had plenty :) ALSO THE FIRST QUESTION HAD MY NAME IN IT!!! this then led so a subsequent "apology" of Facebook which is still raking in the likes :P
• P's sac's didn't go so well, and I am really trying to make him feel better but it doesn't seem to be working :/ 
• asked $150 for hoodie and varsity and the rents were somewhat cool. malshmellow is officially a go (Y)
• cancelled spesh tutor as a reward for finishing chem sac, then find out tomorrow's cancelled too, which is awesome but then means gargi's parents can't talk to mine about schoolies :/

P is bringing back my old statuses up again (which i know D and P have screenshotted btw) and know when people are asking why she did it she is blaming N and being all innocent and annoyed at my for swearing at her.
it.is.always.me. I have the right to be angry, these holidays have been filled with mhs boys bringing up old shit on facebook that doesnt need to be seen, i've had enough from then, i dont need girls from my school doing it too. :/

lankan fest

ok so going in with low expectations was good (Y)
they day started off horribly with ammi forcing me to eat kiri bath and going on about how ugly i was then having apachchi have a go at me etc... and when i did get to the festival there was like half the people who was there last year.BUT OMG in the car I was thinking how funny it would be if the first person I saw was P, and in the car looking around for a place to park, my dad starts waving, and who was it too?? P'S FUCKING DAD WITH P IN THE SEAT NEXT TO HIM!!! like i hadn't even stepped out of the car and I had seen him, fucking trust. When i did get out, i saw him again for like a split second, but i walked the opposite direction pretending I hadn't seen him... TOO AWKWARD FOR CONVERSATION JUST YET! I found V,V, B and D and they were sitting down doing awkward small talk and I was just feeling shit because i could see P and all the other guys but it was just too awkward to go over and say hi. So i got everyone to walk around with me and it was actually so shit, i remember walking around last year and bumping into people left, right and center but this year i saw no one!!! i saw my dad with P's dad and omg i made awkward conversation with him for like 5 minutes (note* at this point i hadn't even talked to P yet) so so so awkward ugh. then I lost V and everyone but I bumped into  A (who was with P and the other guys) and i went with him to get a drink and he took me back to the guys so I could talk to P without it being awks (i live you man), and alas came the time I actually started enjoying myself. P was not awkward at all, and he kept looking at me and he showed me the video of him dancing and just omg. Then J came so S started hanging out with us which gave P and his other friend C a reason to hang out with us, so effectively i spent the rest of the day with P because his tutor got cancelled. It was freezing, it rained and there was like no one there but we talked and he gave me a very solid hug at the end :P

i feel like shit, absolute fucking shit.
not allowed to go to camberwell market tomorrow, and had to listen to ammi and appachchi rant on for 15 minutes about how i dont eat and how ugly i am. Then find out like no one is going to lankan new year which is something I look forward to every year. J isn't going, so N doesnt want to go which means P probably wont go and that means P wont hang out with us, a.k.a me. Having him there tomorrow, and not talking to him would be just as bad as him not coming at all. So i'm going to call J and see if I can convince her to come only for a couple hours and who knows, with the low fucking expectations i have, maybe tomorrow might actually go okay.

lol yeah right

 I told myself i'd go to bed early read french and sleep at 11.

its not 5 to 12 and im staying up messaging him. Again.

ugh i feel like a fucking awful friend. I was supposed to call J last wednesday to see how she's going and i still haven't called. I sent her a message on facebook asking her how she is but she hasn't replied even though I know she has seen the message....twice. I tried calling her and no one picked up and i'll try again tomorrow too but I feel like i've really let her down :(

the amount of geordie shore i have been watching is not okay.

J's birthday yesterday was actually perfect, like she was so suprised and just so exciting. It was super small and cute (just me, N, V, C, H , A and S) and we played cards, taboo, said grace and just laughed and had fun.
I came home to a nightmare on facebook coz of M, N, S (no suprises there) and some fucking random O which would have ruined my night is they party wasn't as good as it was.
But like seriously, mhs guys can all go fuck themselves.

i just dont want to be miserable all the time, I just want to know the straight up truth.

I just want your love.

selfies alldayerrday

2013 thus yet.

its my blog, I can be vain if I want to.