I can't even do a bit of work

Today was my last day of highschool ever. Holy Shit. How is this even possible. I have so much to write but I just can seem to articulate it, so so so so many feelings. Happiness, sadness, guilt, anxiety... so much anxiety but fuck. like what the actual fuck.

FUCK IM SO NERVOUS

french oral tomorrow and im shitting my pants. Like i have two sacs within the next 2 days that i NEED to study for, but i can't because im just so so so nervous.
please god please let me do my best. Just let me speak as well as i know i can and i will be forever grateful. Please just make these next two days pass without a hitch. That senior cup and both my sacs are alright too.
please please please. Im sorry if im asking for to much but i swear i will appreciate it and be so unbelievably thankful if you can help me out a bit.
please?

I want to stop feeling bad.

I think I had a revelation today at temple (lol not enlightenment, just a consequence of not understanding a word of what the monk is saying, so over thinking to pass the time). P and I aren't ever really going to be together. I know it sounds almost melodramatic, but when I look at the situation realistically, I just don't see anything. There is no way a long distance thing would happen. I can not deal with what I'm going through right now, for the rest of my uni life. I feel like we're stuck in this rut, and the only way to get out of it is just to stop it altogether or see each other more often, and if i end up living in sydney or queensland next year, that doesn't seem likely to happen.

The other situation is if I stick it here in Melbourne. I'd be going to monash... the one place I didn't want to go... that i wanted to get away from... but we could try it. It would still be long distance or sorts if he goes to bundurra, but we could make it work. But still, how invested would each one of us be?? Scratch that, how invested would he be.I keep replaying the phone conversation in my head. How it reminded me so much of the conversation I had with A. They were so similar but the situations couldn't be any more different. I didn't love A. So it hurts. It hurts like fuck that he doesn't care but I can't do anything about it. What really confuses me though is how similar I thought we were. I mean we are to an extent, but now I notice little things here and there were we disagree. We are not so different where "opposites attract" but we're not so similar that we're "soul mates". 

Another reason I feel so bad about it all is that conversations haven't gotten any easier. As in we talk fine and about the most random things in the world, but talking to P isn't like talk to D or M. I'm not at that stage where I'm comfortable enough to tell him anything and let me see me at my worst. I had this feeling before.. and I had always just blamed it on the fact there were too many secrets between us. That because he didn't know how I felt, and because I couldn't be completely honest with him, that of course we weren't going to be each others "no.1". But he knows, I know we both know how the other person feels.... yet I still can't talk as freely as I want to, and it's the same with him. He makes fun of me and feels the need to apologise, or clarify that he is joking... he stays on really safe topics of conversation....I just really thought things would have been different now.

I don't even know how but in the space of half an hour my complete mood just plummeted.
I feel so ridiculously uneasy about everything, and I feel myself stressing internally. I have no idea what even brought this on... I think it's P? but I was also talking about senior cup and now when i think about it, I feel like crap but I was also watching a video on youtube about anorexia (why I do this to myself I dunno). All I do know is I feel crap about everything right about now, and I don't know what to do about it as it eats way inside of me.

wow it's been awhile

shit I don't know why i've stopped writing. I mean there has been multiple occasions where i've just wanting to vent and vent but for some reason I kept think that something was wrong with this blog and it wouldn't work :s

anyway dot point recap

• fucked up pro lipsynching, but came 2nd in year 12 :) BY FOUR POINTS!
• got into senior cup
• had my first bagel
• C's party first day of holidays, wasn't amazing but wasn't awful BUT I got to taste pho
• feeling worse and worse about the situation with P. Our "future" is looking dimmer and dimmer.
• VTAC,SATAC,UAC,QTAC all applied for, only the atar gods can decide my fate now
• well into practice exam mode, oh those poor poor trees
• finally shits happening with yearbook, have started profiling and boy it takes yonks
• gained a kilo by the lack of physical activity i've done these holidays and the amount of shit i've eaten - i keep reassuring myself i'll get fit after exams
• nominated for "selfie queen" and "nail maniac" for yearbook
• had an amazing amazing night for A's surprise dinner last night. Was exactly what the girls and I needed to bond again. I stole for the first time (it was just the Parmesan shaker lid for my memory bucket but still) and we talked about EVERYTHING and like I ean everything. And food. so so so so so much food
• I really need to get my shit together for this last week and hardcore hard for french, englang and spesh.

I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but I can only do so much. With lipsynching, with EngLang, with you, I am putting in my all but feel like I'm getting nothing in return. I have written maybe 5 practice sacs and plans and just paragraphs, but have maybe only gotten feedback on one or two of these things. I've emailed and emailed and have gotten no response, and I just don't know what to do. I know you're going through a hard time atm, but the least you could do is email and tell me you can't help me instead of leaving me anxiously waiting with parents who constantly remind me that I failed and if I don't get help I will fail again. Lipsynching is never consistent, no one comes and I'm left guessing numbers and trying to imagine positions in my head because we don't have enough people to do it at actual rehearsal, I've made the dance, I've tried teaching the dance, what else can I do?
And you. We have gone as far as too "friends" can go. I've pushed the conversation, taken you out of your comfort zone for 10 minutes, and instead of pushing the boundaries of that zone to try and get closer to me, you just retreated straight back into your comfortable little shell.
I tried, and I'm still trying. I just don't know how long I can go before the disappointment gets too much for me to handle.

Je veux un vrai raison pour mes mauvaise sentiments. Je me sens comme un trou qui n'a jamais fini. Je veux etre plus. Je veux etre plus belle, plus maigre, plus aimable, plus intelligente et plus parfait, mais comment est ce que je deviens plus, quand je ne suis assez avec qui je suis maintenant. Je ne suis pas un dancer magnifique, ou assez belle ou intelligente. Comment est ce que je vuex plus quand je lutte de maintenir tous mes niveaux comme ils ont maintenant. Je ne peux pas devenir plus parce je ne suis pas assez maintenant. Je ne suis jamais assez, j'ai flemme d'essayer. Je suis fatigue et isolee. Tous ce que je veux est l'aimite et quelqu'un qui peux m'aider a trouver la motivation encore. Je suis perdu.