Friday 31 January 2014
Thursday 30 January 2014
As much as I like this new independence that has fallen upon my shoulders after turning 18 and leaving school, I have had to start thinking and making decisions i never thought I"d have to make.
I have my eye on a ridiculously cute boy who pretty much ticks all the boxes (loves kids, isn't homophobic, subtle tankness, introvert but friendly GOOD LOOKING) but isn't Sri lankan but and Indian. Tbh that isn't the part that worries me. It's the fact he is muslim. Although after the whole J fiasco I'm not so keen on the religion, I would never be prejudice or discriminate a person on their beliefs but I definitely cannot say the same for my parents. If they knew about how i feel about him and his religion they probably wouldn't let me move to Queensland with him. I know we only just went on a first date and that there is a huge possibility that even if we do get to get eventually it will be nothing serious, but there is also a very real chance it could be. I feel like i'm digging my own hole by maybe starting something with him, but ugh i really really like him and ugh he is just so perfect after P. Fuck im so torn.
I have my eye on a ridiculously cute boy who pretty much ticks all the boxes (loves kids, isn't homophobic, subtle tankness, introvert but friendly GOOD LOOKING) but isn't Sri lankan but and Indian. Tbh that isn't the part that worries me. It's the fact he is muslim. Although after the whole J fiasco I'm not so keen on the religion, I would never be prejudice or discriminate a person on their beliefs but I definitely cannot say the same for my parents. If they knew about how i feel about him and his religion they probably wouldn't let me move to Queensland with him. I know we only just went on a first date and that there is a huge possibility that even if we do get to get eventually it will be nothing serious, but there is also a very real chance it could be. I feel like i'm digging my own hole by maybe starting something with him, but ugh i really really like him and ugh he is just so perfect after P. Fuck im so torn.
Wednesday 29 January 2014
Tuesday 28 January 2014
Thursday 23 January 2014
Thursday 16 January 2014
Tuesday 14 January 2014
MALSHI STAHHPP IT!!!
TOO INTENSE TOO FAST TOO INTENSE TOO FAST.
you CANNOT scare him away too.
This conversation can go two ways from that last message, w=ether terribly awkward or terribly cute.
Please be the latter (Y)
you CANNOT scare him away too.
This conversation can go two ways from that last message, w=ether terribly awkward or terribly cute.
Please be the latter (Y)
Monday 13 January 2014
Sunday 12 January 2014
Saturday 11 January 2014
"post new year/pre uni party"
or as I like to call it "an excuse for school leavers to come together and get wasted harmoniously".
I felt so self conscious on the train though, the most body hugging outfit i have ever worn. And watching a guy follow me up the stairs after going in the toilet with one decent outfit and out looking like a slut pretty much just escalated the shame. (I should also mention going into the toilets at dandy station got me so scared i was legit praying i wouldn't get raped)
Took about 2ish hours to get there and when we did arrive we were super early so we went and hid in B's outdoor house thing for a bit because it was too awkward. His back yard is absolutely amazing and the house was then used to half the people who stayed over and all the munters haha.
The party only really started going off when the drinks came out at like 9.30 and then it was pretty much one shot after the other. I did drink a little more than I usually do at parties but stayed within my limits (just). Well I guess the main thing that had my attention was getting A's attention and that I did. When we first saw each other we hugged (sightly awkward simply because I wasn't expecting it coz he is so shy, but definitely a good sign) then some talk about the med interview with the other when we were hiding out waiting for people to come. How I ended up dancing with him multiple times and laying on his chest infront of others and talking alone for another hour I seriously can't eve remember. I really have no idea how we got into the position but fuck we were there for a while ( 100% sure this would have NEVER happened if we were both sober). Then he went with N for a maccas run and I went with my instincts and didn't go when they asked me (yes I learned from S's but a small part of me does wish I went with them) so I was left on the couch with a pillow for my head instead of A's chest until i spent 20 minutes on P's legs seeping til he pushed me off onto the floor -.-
Out of the party hype and our own stupid drunken state N and I (and then S because she had no way of getting home) texted J and said he didn't need to come pick us up because N's brother was doing it. However, in reality we were just staying over at B's. Yeah it seemed like a good idea at the time but when I woke up this morning i regretted it so much. Not only would we have been sleeping on a bed at S's (the original plan) but I suddenly felt really unsafe, dirty and so so so guilty for doing something my parents in 100000000 years would never allow me to do.I had already worn a slutty outfit, drank, spent ages lying on a couch with a boy, lied about how I was getting to the party and then to top it off slept over there to. From the moment I woke up I wanted to leave. But seeing as I woke up at 6am I knew I had to wait so I sat there for an hour and at 7 got S up and then N and P and discussed how we were getting home and the stories we were going to tell our parents.
P hated me for waking him up so early but tbh he owed me that much for kicking me off the couch and then not even using it and we left B's at around 8 saying bye to his parents (who are actually the cutest human beings alive) and got pick up by N's mum at dandy station at around 10. Everyone's stories worked out fine - I didn't even have to use one, neither parent asked me anything about yesterday and now I'm getting ready to go to the city again to have dinner with J and his friends.
I don't really know what to say to A. I mean if he asked to go out I would definitely say yes but I don't think a sober A would. But what if we both do med? Yes it would be perfect but although I was subconciously confident, that confidence is wavering now that I know he also is probably higher up in the rank compared to me. I dunno, I guess i'll just have to see how things play out.
I felt so self conscious on the train though, the most body hugging outfit i have ever worn. And watching a guy follow me up the stairs after going in the toilet with one decent outfit and out looking like a slut pretty much just escalated the shame. (I should also mention going into the toilets at dandy station got me so scared i was legit praying i wouldn't get raped)
Took about 2ish hours to get there and when we did arrive we were super early so we went and hid in B's outdoor house thing for a bit because it was too awkward. His back yard is absolutely amazing and the house was then used to half the people who stayed over and all the munters haha.
The party only really started going off when the drinks came out at like 9.30 and then it was pretty much one shot after the other. I did drink a little more than I usually do at parties but stayed within my limits (just). Well I guess the main thing that had my attention was getting A's attention and that I did. When we first saw each other we hugged (sightly awkward simply because I wasn't expecting it coz he is so shy, but definitely a good sign) then some talk about the med interview with the other when we were hiding out waiting for people to come. How I ended up dancing with him multiple times and laying on his chest infront of others and talking alone for another hour I seriously can't eve remember. I really have no idea how we got into the position but fuck we were there for a while ( 100% sure this would have NEVER happened if we were both sober). Then he went with N for a maccas run and I went with my instincts and didn't go when they asked me (yes I learned from S's but a small part of me does wish I went with them) so I was left on the couch with a pillow for my head instead of A's chest until i spent 20 minutes on P's legs seeping til he pushed me off onto the floor -.-
Out of the party hype and our own stupid drunken state N and I (and then S because she had no way of getting home) texted J and said he didn't need to come pick us up because N's brother was doing it. However, in reality we were just staying over at B's. Yeah it seemed like a good idea at the time but when I woke up this morning i regretted it so much. Not only would we have been sleeping on a bed at S's (the original plan) but I suddenly felt really unsafe, dirty and so so so guilty for doing something my parents in 100000000 years would never allow me to do.I had already worn a slutty outfit, drank, spent ages lying on a couch with a boy, lied about how I was getting to the party and then to top it off slept over there to. From the moment I woke up I wanted to leave. But seeing as I woke up at 6am I knew I had to wait so I sat there for an hour and at 7 got S up and then N and P and discussed how we were getting home and the stories we were going to tell our parents.
P hated me for waking him up so early but tbh he owed me that much for kicking me off the couch and then not even using it and we left B's at around 8 saying bye to his parents (who are actually the cutest human beings alive) and got pick up by N's mum at dandy station at around 10. Everyone's stories worked out fine - I didn't even have to use one, neither parent asked me anything about yesterday and now I'm getting ready to go to the city again to have dinner with J and his friends.
I don't really know what to say to A. I mean if he asked to go out I would definitely say yes but I don't think a sober A would. But what if we both do med? Yes it would be perfect but although I was subconciously confident, that confidence is wavering now that I know he also is probably higher up in the rank compared to me. I dunno, I guess i'll just have to see how things play out.
Thursday 9 January 2014
retail therapy.
lawl I really need to start saving my money.
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| chiffon dress from valley girl $10 I really liked this in the store but I'm not so sure now.. perhaps it's just my mood |
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| plain white camisole from kmart $6 for the dress I bought above. |
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| Loose fitting muscle top for Supre $5, this is so comfortable but I have no idea how to wear it |
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| really pretty skater skirt from Supre $5 |
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| Stretchy bodycon dress from deborah K only $3!! it is a bit loose though |
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| jean shorts from JayJays got this one from stephy!! |
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| Aztec crop top from supre $5 |
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| Stripped bodycon tank dress from cotton on $5 |
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| correlated pencil skirt from cotton on $10 |
Monday 6 January 2014
I feel like im losing my best friend
I was always wary that J was converting for the wrong reasons. That subconsciously it is for N and N only. I know he isn't pressuring her in any way and that all the choices she is making are her own but I feel like she is changing so much and it scares me to death. No drinking, no parties, no hugging boys and not even telling me what's going on with her a N. Her blind and unwavering devotion to a god she only discovered 3 months ago? I don't want to lose her. I can't.
Sunday 5 January 2014
ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THE FUCKING FRUSTRATION!!! the frustration he still causes me. He makes me want to explode with anger and feeling.
fkjjrirrkrfkrfkfokfkorfklrfikrfkrkrfkklr
Saturday 4 January 2014
I still don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about tomorrow. The idea of med excites me and absolutely terrifies me at the same time and all the conflicting emotions are just doing me head in.
I want to be a doctor, make a difference, have a stable job, the opportunity to work overseas and have a career that merits respect and gratitude. However, I don't want to destroy myself in the process. To crack under the pressure, the stress and lose the m\best years of my life to studying and work.
I want to get into monash just so the indecision can be over. So I finally know exactly what's going on with something in my future. I have been uncertain pretty much every step of the way and can't bare to think it can carry on well after the 17th of Jan. And the guilt too. Parents having spent over $1000 on interview prep and depending if I move interstate having to withhold from retirement just so they can support me financially? It's a lot of pressure.
fuck i dont even know.
I want to be a doctor, make a difference, have a stable job, the opportunity to work overseas and have a career that merits respect and gratitude. However, I don't want to destroy myself in the process. To crack under the pressure, the stress and lose the m\best years of my life to studying and work.
I want to get into monash just so the indecision can be over. So I finally know exactly what's going on with something in my future. I have been uncertain pretty much every step of the way and can't bare to think it can carry on well after the 17th of Jan. And the guilt too. Parents having spent over $1000 on interview prep and depending if I move interstate having to withhold from retirement just so they can support me financially? It's a lot of pressure.
fuck i dont even know.
Wednesday 1 January 2014
Moral dilemma
I told J about my interview training with G. I know by rights I shouldn't have said anything - medicine is a competitive field. But I just felt so guilty seeing how worried she is.
And tbh I think I have the underlying motivation of maybe trying not to get in because im scared. Everyone I have talked to who is doing undergrad med at monash just talks about how hard and stressful it is and it is so so so scary. In one way I kind of hope I don't get in so then not doing med is out of my control but in the other when I see how disappointed my parents are I can't even imagine how I would feel.
I feel torn, ugh can we please just fast forward to results to see how everything turns out?
And tbh I think I have the underlying motivation of maybe trying not to get in because im scared. Everyone I have talked to who is doing undergrad med at monash just talks about how hard and stressful it is and it is so so so scary. In one way I kind of hope I don't get in so then not doing med is out of my control but in the other when I see how disappointed my parents are I can't even imagine how I would feel.
I feel torn, ugh can we please just fast forward to results to see how everything turns out?
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