I want to stop feeling bad.

I think I had a revelation today at temple (lol not enlightenment, just a consequence of not understanding a word of what the monk is saying, so over thinking to pass the time). P and I aren't ever really going to be together. I know it sounds almost melodramatic, but when I look at the situation realistically, I just don't see anything. There is no way a long distance thing would happen. I can not deal with what I'm going through right now, for the rest of my uni life. I feel like we're stuck in this rut, and the only way to get out of it is just to stop it altogether or see each other more often, and if i end up living in sydney or queensland next year, that doesn't seem likely to happen.

The other situation is if I stick it here in Melbourne. I'd be going to monash... the one place I didn't want to go... that i wanted to get away from... but we could try it. It would still be long distance or sorts if he goes to bundurra, but we could make it work. But still, how invested would each one of us be?? Scratch that, how invested would he be.I keep replaying the phone conversation in my head. How it reminded me so much of the conversation I had with A. They were so similar but the situations couldn't be any more different. I didn't love A. So it hurts. It hurts like fuck that he doesn't care but I can't do anything about it. What really confuses me though is how similar I thought we were. I mean we are to an extent, but now I notice little things here and there were we disagree. We are not so different where "opposites attract" but we're not so similar that we're "soul mates". 

Another reason I feel so bad about it all is that conversations haven't gotten any easier. As in we talk fine and about the most random things in the world, but talking to P isn't like talk to D or M. I'm not at that stage where I'm comfortable enough to tell him anything and let me see me at my worst. I had this feeling before.. and I had always just blamed it on the fact there were too many secrets between us. That because he didn't know how I felt, and because I couldn't be completely honest with him, that of course we weren't going to be each others "no.1". But he knows, I know we both know how the other person feels.... yet I still can't talk as freely as I want to, and it's the same with him. He makes fun of me and feels the need to apologise, or clarify that he is joking... he stays on really safe topics of conversation....I just really thought things would have been different now.

I don't even know how but in the space of half an hour my complete mood just plummeted.
I feel so ridiculously uneasy about everything, and I feel myself stressing internally. I have no idea what even brought this on... I think it's P? but I was also talking about senior cup and now when i think about it, I feel like crap but I was also watching a video on youtube about anorexia (why I do this to myself I dunno). All I do know is I feel crap about everything right about now, and I don't know what to do about it as it eats way inside of me.

wow it's been awhile

shit I don't know why i've stopped writing. I mean there has been multiple occasions where i've just wanting to vent and vent but for some reason I kept think that something was wrong with this blog and it wouldn't work :s

anyway dot point recap

• fucked up pro lipsynching, but came 2nd in year 12 :) BY FOUR POINTS!
• got into senior cup
• had my first bagel
• C's party first day of holidays, wasn't amazing but wasn't awful BUT I got to taste pho
• feeling worse and worse about the situation with P. Our "future" is looking dimmer and dimmer.
• VTAC,SATAC,UAC,QTAC all applied for, only the atar gods can decide my fate now
• well into practice exam mode, oh those poor poor trees
• finally shits happening with yearbook, have started profiling and boy it takes yonks
• gained a kilo by the lack of physical activity i've done these holidays and the amount of shit i've eaten - i keep reassuring myself i'll get fit after exams
• nominated for "selfie queen" and "nail maniac" for yearbook
• had an amazing amazing night for A's surprise dinner last night. Was exactly what the girls and I needed to bond again. I stole for the first time (it was just the Parmesan shaker lid for my memory bucket but still) and we talked about EVERYTHING and like I ean everything. And food. so so so so so much food
• I really need to get my shit together for this last week and hardcore hard for french, englang and spesh.

I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but I can only do so much. With lipsynching, with EngLang, with you, I am putting in my all but feel like I'm getting nothing in return. I have written maybe 5 practice sacs and plans and just paragraphs, but have maybe only gotten feedback on one or two of these things. I've emailed and emailed and have gotten no response, and I just don't know what to do. I know you're going through a hard time atm, but the least you could do is email and tell me you can't help me instead of leaving me anxiously waiting with parents who constantly remind me that I failed and if I don't get help I will fail again. Lipsynching is never consistent, no one comes and I'm left guessing numbers and trying to imagine positions in my head because we don't have enough people to do it at actual rehearsal, I've made the dance, I've tried teaching the dance, what else can I do?
And you. We have gone as far as too "friends" can go. I've pushed the conversation, taken you out of your comfort zone for 10 minutes, and instead of pushing the boundaries of that zone to try and get closer to me, you just retreated straight back into your comfortable little shell.
I tried, and I'm still trying. I just don't know how long I can go before the disappointment gets too much for me to handle.

Je veux un vrai raison pour mes mauvaise sentiments. Je me sens comme un trou qui n'a jamais fini. Je veux etre plus. Je veux etre plus belle, plus maigre, plus aimable, plus intelligente et plus parfait, mais comment est ce que je deviens plus, quand je ne suis assez avec qui je suis maintenant. Je ne suis pas un dancer magnifique, ou assez belle ou intelligente. Comment est ce que je vuex plus quand je lutte de maintenir tous mes niveaux comme ils ont maintenant. Je ne peux pas devenir plus parce je ne suis pas assez maintenant. Je ne suis jamais assez, j'ai flemme d'essayer. Je suis fatigue et isolee. Tous ce que je veux est l'aimite et quelqu'un qui peux m'aider a trouver la motivation encore. Je suis perdu.

"Perception is reality. If everyone thinks you’re an asshole, you will be treated like one even if “deep down” you’re the nicest person around"

I have so many feelings inside of me, that are being mixed together so I can no longer identify which is which, except for when something unpleasant reminds my and makes one of the bad feelings more stronger and stand out.
- I wish I went to M's but I don't
- I wont to drop out of pro, but I don't
- I want to write a practice french essay, but I don't
- I want to be apart or yearbook committee, but I don't
- I want to give up on lipsynching, but I don't
- I want to apply for uni's, but I don't
- I want to be with you, but..... no, I just really want to be with you. But I know it's not the same for you. Yes you like me, but it's not the same. It's not the same distracting, hopeless type of like that makes me feel empty and sad 99% of the time. I thought things would be better. I thought everything would be okay, but I still feel like this, still feel this bad. I know love is supposed to hurt, but this isn't fair. I still haven't properly loved enough for it to make me feel this much.

did the fun run afterschool today, and I'm actually so surprised how much my fitness has improved compared to last year. Although I only bet my time by 2ish minutes, I can clearly remembered how much i struggled on the run, and this year although it wouldn't have been easy, i think I could have pushed myself to run further than the 5kms we had to.
My feet are sore, but my moral is good (Y)

• 3ish practise exams
• englang essay
• started JC application
• volunteer work sorted
• french general convo
• french revolution reading

does this count as a productive day off? I honestly can't tell anymore.

what's wrong with me?

I don't know whats happened to me. I'm always anxious. Like a near constant underlying sense of worry, which I can't precisely figure out why it's there. I never watch T.V anymore, I try to, but I never get past half an episode. I don't feel like reading, searching the internet or just anything. The only think I feel like doing is talk to him. I feel pathetic about it and it scares me so much, but is it really possibly for him to make me change this much? I feel so emotionally different but I don't know how. My motivation for everything is just lacking, and I just want everything to be over. Everything feels at disarray and I don't know how to set it right. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to do a video, i don't want to do yearbook, I don't want to do lipsynching, or job apps, or uni apps, or any more sacs. I just can't concentrate on anything anymore and I honestly think i could just sit on my bed for hours doing nothing but staring and thinking. I don't know how much I'll have to push to make things okay again, or even worse if they can be okay again before exams come round.

dying on the inside for not being good enough.

all i really want to do is have a real profound conversation with somebody, but I feel like nobody wants to talk to me :/