"Perception is reality. If everyone thinks you’re an asshole, you will be treated like one even if “deep down” you’re the nicest person around"

I have so many feelings inside of me, that are being mixed together so I can no longer identify which is which, except for when something unpleasant reminds my and makes one of the bad feelings more stronger and stand out.
- I wish I went to M's but I don't
- I wont to drop out of pro, but I don't
- I want to write a practice french essay, but I don't
- I want to be apart or yearbook committee, but I don't
- I want to give up on lipsynching, but I don't
- I want to apply for uni's, but I don't
- I want to be with you, but..... no, I just really want to be with you. But I know it's not the same for you. Yes you like me, but it's not the same. It's not the same distracting, hopeless type of like that makes me feel empty and sad 99% of the time. I thought things would be better. I thought everything would be okay, but I still feel like this, still feel this bad. I know love is supposed to hurt, but this isn't fair. I still haven't properly loved enough for it to make me feel this much.

did the fun run afterschool today, and I'm actually so surprised how much my fitness has improved compared to last year. Although I only bet my time by 2ish minutes, I can clearly remembered how much i struggled on the run, and this year although it wouldn't have been easy, i think I could have pushed myself to run further than the 5kms we had to.
My feet are sore, but my moral is good (Y)

• 3ish practise exams
• englang essay
• started JC application
• volunteer work sorted
• french general convo
• french revolution reading

does this count as a productive day off? I honestly can't tell anymore.

what's wrong with me?

I don't know whats happened to me. I'm always anxious. Like a near constant underlying sense of worry, which I can't precisely figure out why it's there. I never watch T.V anymore, I try to, but I never get past half an episode. I don't feel like reading, searching the internet or just anything. The only think I feel like doing is talk to him. I feel pathetic about it and it scares me so much, but is it really possibly for him to make me change this much? I feel so emotionally different but I don't know how. My motivation for everything is just lacking, and I just want everything to be over. Everything feels at disarray and I don't know how to set it right. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to do a video, i don't want to do yearbook, I don't want to do lipsynching, or job apps, or uni apps, or any more sacs. I just can't concentrate on anything anymore and I honestly think i could just sit on my bed for hours doing nothing but staring and thinking. I don't know how much I'll have to push to make things okay again, or even worse if they can be okay again before exams come round.

dying on the inside for not being good enough.

all i really want to do is have a real profound conversation with somebody, but I feel like nobody wants to talk to me :/